I guess I'll just be restless...

I've been thinking more since I wrote yesterday. I've had a song called "Restless" by Steve Bell floating around my brain for the last couple of days. (If you don't know Steve Bell, he's a fabulous Canadian singer/songwriter from Winnipeg. Part mystic, part theologian, a fantastic story-teller, and master of the art of lament.)

I was chatting with Kari and Steve for a few minutes about that last bit - the lament bit - at the conference my company hosted last weekend. I'd met Steve a number of times in the past, and when we started looking for suitable entertainment for 300 Mennonites, he came to mind. It went great. But, as I was saying, since we were chatting about lament, I wanted to take the opportunity to say thank you to Steve for talking openly about the need for laments in the church, and for writing so many fantastic songs that express lament. His music was some of the only "Christian" music I listened to during all of those years of depression.

I particularly listened to the song I mentioned at the beginning of this post, off of the "Waiting for Aidan" album (my personal favorite, for so many darker emotions that I deeply related to at various points, as well as the offered hope.) Through those years of depression, of wanting to die, but knowing I could never act on that; of begging God to simply release me - from life, from any committment to him, since it had been so painful, I identified with these words that Steve penned. They came back again yesterday morning, as we were driving to church, and again last night as I headed out to see a movie, and yet again off and on all day today. Particularly this line:

I get no rest from the days of my week
I get even less on a Sunday
Sunday's become the antagonists' feast
Like an arrow through me

This is how I felt yesterday, as I headed to church to prepare to celebrate the risen Christ. I wondered where he was, why, on this day of all days, I couldn't seem to summon the hope and joy that the day was supposed to entail. Why I couldn't seem to find direction for my future.

I'll give you the whole lyric now... I can't help longing. So I guess I'll just be restless till He satisfies me.

Restless
(music and lyrics by Steve Bell)

Blest are the departed
The repose for which I long
To descend into the fathomless quiet of God

Wretched are the rest of us
Tossed upon the sea
And I guess I'll just be restless till you satisfy me

I get no rest from the days of my week
I get even less on a Sunday
Sunday's become the antagonists' feast
Like an arrow through me

So I fly to a desolate place
Here am I
Falling on my face
To silence every claim to my soul
Just to see God sitting high on a throne
But I'm not yet free
That's my dis-ease

Scanning the clouds for some sign of your face
Maybe the whole thing is folly
Like waiting for Eden to rise from the lake
But I can't help longing

So I fly to a desolate place
Here am I
Falling on my face
To silence every claim to my soul
Just to see God sitting high on a throne
But I'm not yet free
That's my dis-ease

Blest are the departed
The respose for which I long
To descend into the fathomless quiet of God

Waiting are the rest of us
Tossed upon the sea
And I guess I'll just be restless till you satisfy me
So I guess I'll just be restless till you satisfy me.

He is risen...

He is risen indeed! Hallelujah!

I always feel like that call and response saying we all grew up with needs a hallelujah on the end. Sort of a benediction. A way to finish the sentiment, and give all the attention to the right thing.

Today was... interesting.

To be honest, right now I'm really wrestling with church a bit. Wondering again if it was the right decision to go back to my dad's church, get involved with the youth. Wondering what this season of life is.

I drove to church with my mom today, and on our way we picked up my nana. Just before we got to Nana's house, my mom asked a question, and I mentioned in an off-hand kind of way that I really wanted to stay at home today, just skip church entirely. Mom jumped immediately into a thing about "if you're not sure about coming to this church..." And I nearly started to cry, except we were about two seconds away from Nana's house, and it wouldn't have worked to start that whole discussion. All I could do was answer that I'm really frustrated with where my life is at right now, and church is only one expression of that.

I was supposed to be living in another city, possibly another country, by this point in the spring. If not another city, at least not in my parents house anymore. But I'm not. The girl I was moving cities with changed plans, and it only made sense to move countries if we did it together. We were also supposed to move in together in Calgary if the other plans fell through. She told me a week or two ago that she's accepted a request to become the roommate of another friend entirely.

I spent Lent praying for direction, and fasting in various ways to seek that direction, and I still have no idea what I'm doing. It's not that I regret the fasts - I learned some valuable things about myself - it's just that I was hoping for something clear. Some sense of next steps, of my place in the world, and of what I'm going to do in the next season of my life.

I'm tired all the time right now. Some of this is weighing on me, and my sleep feels like an area of spiritual attack once again. I have to be hyper-vigilant about praying protection each night before I fall asleep, or I'm highly likely to suffer nightmares. Because I don't sleep at night, I tend to fall asleep every time I slow down. I fell asleep in an armchair this afternoon, with a houseful of relatives sitting and chatting around me (though admittedly, we were all watching golf on television, and that does end up being rather soothing after a while).

Church this morning ended up being okay. The worship was great. It was great to simply celebrate Jesus and his redemptive power. I sat with Nana (who doesn't make it to church very often any more because of her health), and that's always fun. (Nana is my adopted, very British grandmother, a lady our family has known for years, who happens to live across the back alley from our house.) I chatted with a few of the youth.

You see, the thing that frustrates me with going to the church I'm attending is, it was supposed to be temporary. I was supposed to know by now what came next. I was supposed to be moving on. Instead, I wonder if I'm beginning to lose myself again in the sort of religious culture that it took so very long for me to begin to untangle myself from in the first place.

I don't know what comes next, and that is terrifying and angering, and makes me cry just thinking about it tonight.

I'm working to rest in the end of the phrase I started the post with. That last word that God has spoken so often to me over the last year and a half. The hallelujah. I want to live there. I'm trying to live there. It's not so easy just at the moment, but it's worth my best shot, with a few desperate prayers like "Help!" thrown in.

He is risen. He is risen indeed. Hallelujah.

Good Start to the Day

I didn't sleep very well again, but forced myself to lay in bed until 8:30 or so.

However, I got a nice surprise when I emerged from my bedroom.

My mom had made bacon and waffles for breakfast. SO good. There have been lots of times lately when I've chafed against living with my parents, and the way it tends to curtail my independence, but I have to admit, getting up on the occasional weekend morning to find a great breakfast waiting has definite positives too.

I made a quick trip to the farmer's market with mom, and this afternoon, since my parents have a counselling session in our living room, I'm going to head out to the grocery store, and probably to China town to pick up some baking.

All in all, it's been a good day so far.

Good Friday

Today started early. I couldn't seem to sleep, so I watched a bit of a movie on my laptop in bed for an hour or two.

The Tenebrae service was fantastic. Next time I'd really like to be in the congregation, instead of a participant, as you get a bit more of the full visual impact. I couldn't see some parts as well as I would have liked from where I was sitting as a reader. I was delighted that a few friends joined us for the morning (I hope you enjoyed the service, guys!).

I spent the afternoon at Elbow Falls, near Bragg Creek, with one of my youth girls, my brother, and one of his friends. It's become something of a tradition for me, over the last several years, to try and get away from the city, and out into the mountains for a period of time on Good Friday. I find it refreshing. And it's always fun to share it with friends! Today was a bonus - because of the cold (very unspringlike and un-easterlike if I do say so myself) weather, there were very few people at the falls, which meant we could roam a bit and laugh and chat and generally be a bit less considerate than we would have needed to be for a bit more crowded touristy type day!

My mom and I baked hot-crossed buns after dinner tonight. (Actually, I think they're still finishing rising, and then we'll bake them!) I wonder if this is a distinctly Canadian thing, hot-crossed buns for Easter? Anyhow, my grandma has a fantastic recipe, which we followed, and I quite happily expect to be eating a lovely, warm bun, within the next hour or so, with a bit of butter melted onto it to make it extra fantastic!

A long bubble-bath (chamomile and lavender) rounded out my evening quite nicely. I'm working my way through Pete Greig's "God on Mute" (a more full review once I've finished reading) and enjoyed laying in the bubbles and reading.

I'm thinking of heading to China Town for a while tomorrow... anyone interested in tagging along? I have a craving for these fantastic buns with barbequed pork baked into the centre of the them. I want to pick up a couple dozen, so I can freeze them and have them for lunches at work over the next while... We'll see. If the weather stays cold, I probably won't want to wander around downtown Calgary on foot.

And with that, may you go in the remembrance of the cross. May you be caught anew by the suffering of Christ, by the magnitude of the bloody significance of this day.

Random Thursday Thoughts

I’m sitting at my desk and sipping tea, contemplating eating the blueberry yogurt granola bar that’s sitting on my desk.

My boss took the opportunity yesterday to declare today a “casual day.” The chance to wear jeans to work today was quite literally the motivator to get me out of bed this morning!

I love taking the train with my brother, T. on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. We’re close, and this time is ours, to chat, to catch up on life, to enjoy for twenty minutes or so, each others company. This morning we talked about the fact that we would both like to get away from Calgary for a bit this summer. We’ve been batting around the idea of taking a week and going someplace together, but agreed this morning that even if that doesn’t work out, we’d at least go somewhere, pretty much anywhere, really, for a few weekends here and there. That made me happy. It made me think about warmth, and summer, which has been a hard thought to summon over this last, nasty, cold and snowy week.

I’ve been thinking about lament lately… I’ll have to write a longer post on that sometime soon.

Been thinking, too, about the sense of quietness within me, how new that still feels… but that, too, is the subject of a much longer post.

I’m off for the next four days after today. Good Friday and Easter Monday are stat holidays for my company, and I’m glad. I can really use the long weekend after working for a chunk of last weekend, and all the stress that lead up to getting ready for last weekend’s conference.

I’m kicking off the weekend by having dinner and seeing a movie with Megs tonight. Can’t wait!

And then, tomorrow, I’ve got the Tenebrae service in the morning, and plans to head for the mountains for a few hours at least in the afternoon. I do love the relaxing quality of time in the mountains, out of reach of the city.