The Plan

I actually slept last night. About 6 hours. Without too many nightmares. It was much needed sleep. I was far less foggy today.

I worked for about 6.5 hours today. It was boring, but I didn't need to engage my brain too heavily, and that worked well for my state of mind. After work I got to spend about an hour and a half drinking cider and walking around the resevoire with a very old and dear friend. It's been far too long since we've had unlimited time together, and today was no exception, but it was such fun to just hang out with her and catch up on each other's lives.

Tonight, I'm doing the things that need to be done so that I can leave town for three days tomorrow morning. My friend is picking me up at 11, and we're headed out to see our friend for a few hours, before swinging back through the city to pick up another friend and head to the mountains for our church retreat weekend. That's where I'll be for the next few days. I probably won't be blogging until Sunday night at the very earliest, because we will be going straight from the retreat to the funeral on Sunday afternoon.

I know I've said this, and that many of you are already praying, but I can't say it enough. We greatly covet your prayers as we seek to minister to our friend tomorrow afternoon. I greatly covet your continued prayers as I continue to walk out life with this friend in the days following the funeral. I could not be more greatful for, or more reliant on your prayers than I am at this moment, when I am so clearly at the end of my own strength. I have every confidence that God will give me the wisdom and grace necessary in the very moments I need it over these next days, but I continue to rely on your prayers for my health and strength and abilities.

With that said, I'm off to pack, and return a couple of phone calls. I'll see you all Sunday night, or early next week!

On Hold

I know I promised a well-written account of the things God has done in my life in this last while. But it seems to be on hold for the moment. Circumstances have once again intervened.

For the next while, I'm going to be busy educating myself on things like grief and post-traumatic stress. I'm going to be walking with a very broken young woman as she begins to face the loss of the mother she had only recently begun to rebuild a relationship with.

I find myself exhausted today. It has been emotionally trying. There weren't tears when she called me with the news last night, but there were definitely tears this morning. I got very little sleep last night, thanks to a few nightmares and a mind that just refused to quiet and rest. I'm once again battling the illness that has been recurrent since mid-October, and would greatly appreciate any prayers for my own physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health in these next days. I am very aware of my own vulnerability as I step into what promises to be a greatly intensified series of struggles and crises with my friend.

My thoughts are far from telling my own story tonight. They are focused intensely on my role in the here and now. I was blessed to only have to work three hours instead of eight today. My boss took one look at me, listened to my story, and rearranged the schedule to allow me to leave at four this afternoon. I took some time when I got home to crash for a little while. It was very needed.

I've passed funeral details along to all the appropriate people, and now I'm going to lay in a bubble bath, with a Bible, a pen, a couple of emails of encouragement that arrived for me today, and a novel. I need to take the time to restore my own soul before I step into the challenges that are sure to come over the next few days and weeks.

I'll be away for the weekend, so blogging will be scarce for the next several days. My church is having a retreat weekend, and I'll be there. I'll also be visiting my friend on Friday, to spend some time caring for her, and give her a break from the tense family situation that she's facing in the wake of her mom's death. Another friend has agreed to drive out to see her with me, and he and I would greatly appreciate your prayers as we seek to care for her and love her for a few hours. The funeral is Sunday afternoon, and I'd love your prayers for that day as well.

Grief and Prayers

I received a call about a half an hour ago. My friend's mom passed away this evening, after battling cancer for much of the last few years. I feel helpless, an hour away from my friend (her mom was in a small rural hospital for these last few months.) I'm wishing I was with her so that I could wrap her in my arms and cry with her.

I would covet your prayers for her and her family in these next days. I would covet too your prayers for my own wisdom as I seek to support, love and uphold my friend through this time. The loss is huge, the timing is never right here on earth.

Things That Make Me Happy

The quote on my quote calendar from a few days ago says, "One of the secrets of a happy life is continuous small treats." (Iris Murdoch). These are a few of the small treats I've had lately.

• A friend who is four days sober, and still determined to help herself.
• That I'm going to see a very good and old friend this week. That I get the chance to catch her up on all the crazy God things that have happened in my life in the last few months.
• The cozy smell of clothes fresh from the dryer.
• Good music on my stereo.
• The feeling of sitting in the sunbeam coming through my window and letting it warm and bake me.
• New friends.
• The chance to leave the city for a weekend coming up, hang out with good friends, and have some retreat time.
• Wool socks that keep my feet warm and don't make them itch - a huge shout out to Levi Strauss who made my fabulous socks.
• Books everywhere - all over my bedroom, my bed, my desk!
• A DVD version of "Blue Like Jazz Live"
• The fun of falling into a gentle dozing state while watching a favorite movie or television show on DVD while curled up underneath a pile of blankets.
• Waking up with the line "Thy mercy my God is the theme of my song..." playing through my head, and realizing how true it really is right now in my life!
• Challenging conversations with friends.
• A great sermon series on evangelism that you should really download from here. You want the sermons from August 21, August 28 and September 4, 2005.

And now, that I've made a list, I'm off to take advantage of at least a couple of these - right after I make myself some lunch!

The Story Must Be Told

I have had the gathering sense these last few weeks that the story of my last few months, of the things God has done must be told. Not in abstract references, and oblique comments, but in a manner that will hopefully communicate the depth of my wonder and awe and bewilderment at this place I have suddenly found myself inhabiting.

The thing is, I wasn't fully convinced that I needed to tell this story. I mostly thought it was just for me, for those few friends who have been integral parts of the journey these last years and months, and possibly for the few God has put in my path to minister to - the ones to whom my story might possibly be an encouragement. But, the sense that this must be told has grown - that it must be told broadly - that I must speak up and say "This is the thing that God has done for me." And yet, I wasn't quite convinced.

So, this morning, I was sitting curled up on a bench at the mall, because I was early for work, and I was reading a passage in the Psalms. I've decided recently to be more deliberate in my scripture reading, because I find myself needing the strengthening of that daily time with God as I enter the challenges that daily living is presenting. I decided to read Psalm 107, which God laid on my heart nearly a year ago as an encouragement, not only for me, but for the life of someone in my family who was in the midst of a difficult situation. At that time, I had read it in the Message, but last weekend I purchased a beautiful purse-sized copy of the Bible in the New Living Translation, so that is what I was reading in this morning.

And this is the verse I encountered:
"Has the Lord redeemed you? Then speak out! Tell others he has redeemed you from your enemies." (Psalm 107:2 NLT)

I'm convinced. Watch for the story. It'll take me a while to pull it together. I need to tell it in person to a couple more important people in my life, and then I'll probably start writing. I want to do a good job in telling this story - a God honoring job. I want to take my time and work at it carefully, because God gave me this gift of writing, and sometimes I just use it in a slap-dash fashion. But this story is especially His, and it must be done right! (With all that said, I may devote my day off tomorrow to this pursuit, and you could find it here as early as tomorrow or Wednesday!)

I'll leave you with these words from Blue Like Jazz that caught me as I was re-flipping through the book the other day. Miller writes, " I know now, from experience, that the path to joy winds through this dark valley. I think every well-adjusted human being has dealt squarely with his or her own depravity. I realize this sounds very Christian, very fundamentalist and browbeating, but I want to tell you this part of what the Christians are saying is true. I think Jesus feels strongly about communicating the idea of our brokenness, and I think it is worth reflection." (pg. 23)