Grrrr...

I spent the last 28 minutes talking very loudly into my phone. With a lot of vehemence, annoyance, and frustration.

You see, someone I know is consistently making a very dumb decision - choosing to get in a vehicle with a drunk driver. This person has lost friends to drunk driving, and yet continually chooses to get in a vehicle driven by someone consistently drunk. Furthermore, the person is defending the decision that she recognizes as stupid. And it makes me crazy.

Because I've been walking with her through life for quite a while now, and there is a complete lack of logical intelligence to this though pattern. The idea that this is the only dumb decision that's been made in the last three weeks just isn't cutting it. Yes, there are all kinds of other issues tied up in the situation, but none of them seem to be important enough for my friend to consistently risk her life in this manner. And no matter what I say, that isn't getting through.

And I am beyond my ability. At least she doesn't mind when I get really loud and blunt. Because that's how I was today. She likes that part of me - which I think is crazy - I'm not even sure I always like that "how can you be so blind" mentality that occasionally erupts from me. In some weird way, it amused this friend, and it often cuts through the issue and gets truth through to her. It didn't today. Apparantly we have to agree to disagree. What is that anyway - why should I agree to disagree with her, and thereby allow her to continue doing something stupid? Maybe that's what really ticks me off - that I didn't get through - that sometime in the next three days, she will be in a vehicle driven by a drunk driver. And I'm scared.

Jesus, protect her. Put your guards around her life and body. Can you do that even when she's knowingly endangering herself? Would you do that? Please? And could you continue to give me wisdom to handle this friendship? Teach me what to speak as I walk through this difficult time in her life. I am Yours - my hands are open and I desire to be used by you.

Riding in Cars...

Yes, it was a Drew Barrymore movie. Yes I stole at least part of the movie's title. But hey, it got your attention didn't it?

Titling is the worst part of writing for me. I can never come up with very creative titles. I usually titled my school papers along the lines of "A Review of...." or so on, because it was easier than trying to come up with a creative way to sum up my thesis in ten words or less. I think if I was an artist, all my works would be called things like "Untitled 1," "Untitled 2," "Man with Dog" and so on... But you can't really do that as a writer - your title is your hook - the line that draws the reader in and compells them to see what you have to say. And I mostly suck at titles... oh well... will you bear with me anyway?

So, anyway, back to what I actually wanted to talk about... Riding in cars. I have decided that God speaks to me most clearly when I in a vehicle. No. Seriously. I can name pretty much all of the significant God moments in the last several years of my life, and probably 90% of them have occurred while sitting in a vehicle. There's something about sitting (particularly in the dark) without having to make eye contact if you don't want, that lets you really share your life and thoughts. It's way easier to be vulnerable in that place. (Although I have had some significant God moments when I was alone in a vehicle as well....)

I sat in a car until 3:30 this morning, catching up on life with a friend, sharing and ultimately praying together. And it was fabulous. Worth every second. Yes, I regretted it a tiny little bit when I dragged myself to work this morning after four and a half hours of sleep, but more in the "my brain is not fully functional for my job" way than in the "that was a waste of my time what was I thinking way." Because I don't regret it. Because God was there again - as we shared the stuff that had happened in our lives in the month or so since we had last been together.

I actually have a bit of a reputation with my friends for car chats. (although chat might be too facetious a word!) I've heard them tell other people that if they need to have a serious conversation, they should have one of my "famous" car chats with me. I don't know. Maybe it's just the "counsellor" nature in me! Someone affirmed this week that I would actually be good at this counselling thing as a career. It was so encouraging to hear someone say that. Especially since I know that God is calling me to serve him in this sort of manner.

Whew! riding in cars... if you ever want to come with me and have a "car chat" let me know... I'd love it - particularly if you drive... but if I drive, I'll take you to my favorite thinking spot - where we can watch the lights of the city sparkle, watch planes land at the airport, talk, and speculate about the slightly "fogged" windows in some of the other cars. I promise to leave if our windows start to fog!

When you still don't have much to say...

use a bullet point list!

• My new copy of Matthew Paul Turner's The Christian Culture Survival Guide arrived yesterday. I loaned my original copy to someone, and then they disappeared, and I never got it back. So I ordered a new one. I love this book. If you have not read it, you must. I mean, you really should. Particularly if you've ever wondered if anyone else around you found this Christian thing just a little bit odd. Plus, it has lots of lists. Lists like, "Tell-tale signs you're about to encounter an 'old-fashioned' meeting with the altar," "Fifteen kinds of church people to look out for," "Eight ways to know if you might be worshipping your pastor," "Seven church cliches that need to go - NOW," "Five phrases highly offensive to many Christians," and my two personal favorites, "Seven Types of Guys (for girls to choose from) in Church Culture," and "Eight Types of Girls (for guys to choose from) in Church Culture." Plus, the book is not just all sarcastic amusement - it actually is encouraging. I know, because I've read it several times, and because, it happened to appear at our church Christmas party - where several friends who had also read it agreed with me, and where one of our pastors took great delight in reading a number of the above lists to whoever would sit on the couches where we were hanging out and listen to him. YOU MUST READ THIS BOOK!!!
• I'm almost financially stable again. For a few months anyway, until my student loans come due. It's amazing what three weeks of fulltime work will do.
• I have to go to the bottle depot for my mom today. I hate the bottle depot. It smells bad, and the people there are kind of scary, in that stereotypical way that makes you feel guilty for being slightly creeped out by them.
• I'm frustrated with one of my coworkers right now. She's scheduling me poorly, being less than flexible, and is entirely caught up in her own importance. I was handling a big order for some customers last night, was doing quite well on my own, and she inserted herself into the process. Irritating. Plus, she cut my hours for today, so I had no choice but to allow her to take care of a major portion of the prep work that I need to do before the customers come in to finalize their order with me this afternoon. And then she snaps at all of us because she has so much to do, and we don't really have anything to do because she took it all from us. ARGHH!
• Okay, well, now that I've vented a little, I'm off to the bottle depot, possibly to do some other errands, and then to work. Here's to hoping my friends come through and we're hanging out tonight or tomorrow night! I need a break from my house, a break from my family, a break from thinking about work, a break from crises, and a chance to just chill with my favorite people in the world!

What I've Been Up To

I noticed today as I was scanning some of the previous posts on my blog that I've been somewhat cryptic and circumspect over the last while.

A lot of that has had to do with the situations I've been dealing with. In order to protect the privacy of my friend, I've been unable to discuss the difficult things we've faced.

I also already mentioned that the situations in my friend's life, and the situations in my own life have driven me into an introspective, meditative, musing, muddled sort of state over the course of the month, that has not facilitated clear un-muddled writing.

With that said, here, in all its bullet-point glory is some of what I've been up to:

• I've done a LOT of reading. Nine or so books in fact. Not counting the two or three I'm currently reading. From the list, which is laying beside my computer on my desk, I recommend: Through the Narrow Gate by Karen Armstrong - a spiritual memoir about a woman who joins a catholic order, and eventually leaves, several years later. Messy Spirituality by Mike Yaconelli - I can't say enough good things about a book with the subtitle "God's Annoying Love for Imperfect People". Velma Still Cooks in Leeway by Vinita Hampton Wright - a beautiful, artistic, and deeply spiritual novel, without being trite or sappy.
• I've handled a lot of crises. Enough said.
• I've wrestled with family issues. Things with my parents. Areas of deep woundedness related to my family and upbringing.
• I've done a lot of desperate praying. I'm getting really good at the "help" type of prayers - for my own life and for others too.
• I'm learning to pray other things too. The single words like "hallelujah" and "immanuel" that I've mentioned here before. Brennan Manning's prayer, "Abba, I am Yours."
• I'm learning to listen a little more patiently for God. I'm still not hearing much, but I'm learning to pause and actually listen, not just fill every silence with words.
• I'm discovering a need to share my story. I have been blessed in the last few weeks a number of times by people who drew parts of the story of these crazy last months from me.

I think that's all I have to say for now. This is not everything. In fact, it's not even a snapshot in some ways. But I'm still feeling pretty introspective, I'm in the middle of a tense spot in a fairly enjoyable novel, I'm very tired, and I think I may heat up my "magic bag" and crawl into my cozy nook of a bed, and read, or journal, or possibly just sleep!

Cryptic Relief

I got some fantastic news in a two minute phone call tonight. An impending disaster, consequences of a crisis, has been averted, and I'm relieved.

I have spent much of this past week mentally preparing myself to face the expected circumstances, and I am so relieved that I will not have to do so. That it will not be required of the person in crisis to face this too.

Praise God for the little (or very big depending on your perspective) favors!