I was reading through portions of my journal a couple weeks ago, and flagged this bit to come back to. It so beautifully describes some of my dreams and goals for life - the places and things that are important to me, and the things I believe God has planted deeply within me.
It's from a journalling workshop I attended back in March. March 24th to be exact. Kim McMechan taught it, and while I can't remember the exact instructions for the exercise, the title of it is "Instinct".
I wrote:
I would live somewhere with lots of sun, but not too much heat. Somewhere where you feel wrapped in warmth. Somewhere kind of humid, because I don't care that humidity makes my hair curl - I love to wear it curly.
I'd wear skirts all the time, flowy things, and sometimes, just because I felt like it, I'd twirl like I did when I was a little girl - just to see what shape my skirt made as I spun.
I'd hang out with people who let the messy things in their life show, because that kind of honesty is beautiful.
I'd spend lots of time with people, listening, sharing stories, praying.
I'd spend lots of time alone, too, curled up in a blanket, with a cup of tea, slowing down to reflect on my day, and on the stories I'd heard while I was with people.
I'd find a way to see the world - all of the European history I studied but have never seen with my own eyes. Machu Picchu in Peru.
I'd live in a big, laid-back, coffee shop loving city, and embrace that sort of lifestyle for a while.
I'd pierce my nose, and get a tattoo.
I'd hang out in the mountains, listening and praying, and I'd spend time writing beside the ocean.
I'd spend more time with the friends you can just be quiet with.
Showing posts with label conversation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label conversation. Show all posts
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Fear, a Youth Retreat, and Crepes for Dinner
I’m having a weird sort of day so far.
I’m sitting at my desk drinking mango rooibos tea, and eating smarties. (I eat them by color – is that slightly obsessive compulsive of me? And, before you ask, no I don’t “eat the red ones last.” I eat whatever I deem to be the “prettiest color” last – today that’s probably the blue ones. I eat them in order of color ugliness. Okay, yeah, that’s a little strange once you write it down.)
We had our planning meeting last night for the youth retreat we’re holding next weekend, and picked a topic. We’re going with a general theme of “How can we be more aware of God in our daily lives?” So, on the Friday evening we’re going to do some teaching around the theme of “How does God speak?” The pastor I work with will do the intro, and set the context of the scripture passage we’re using, and then will do “God speaks in a whisper”. After that, we take a short break, and then I’m doing “God speaks in a scream/big event” and “God speaks in silence/When God is silent”. The following day, we’re taking the kids hiking for 3 or 4 hours in the mountains near the town where we’re staying. Over the course of the hike and the rest of the day, we’ll stop three times for reflection, moving inwards, applying some of what we’ll have talked about the night before. We’ll ask them to do some journaling, and then to share a bit with the group. So we’ll start with “God in creation”, then “God in my family and friends” and finally “God in me”. My only teaching responsibility on the Saturday will be to intro the journaling portion at the beginning of the hike, explaining why journaling can be important or significant, and that it doesn’t necessarily encompass only writing sentences, could be drawing, or whatever.
I was really excited about this topic all through the meeting. I felt confident that God was leading us, and I was excited about the topics I’m going to be teaching on. However, almost as soon as the pastor I’m working with left my house, the fear and anxiety set in. The sudden “Oh my goodness, what have I agreed to do sort of feeling.”
I slept really poorly last night.
I woke up this morning with a pall of fear hanging over me. I don’t understand how I can at some moments walk in such spiritual freedom, and at others become so overcome by fear. Fear has always been a huge issue in my life, and has at times kept me from doing and becoming who I really want and feel called to be. To be honest, I think there is also some generational stuff involved in the fear over my life, and I’m not quite sure what to do about that either. Anyway, I’m really struggling with it this morning. I feel this fear and almost depression hanging over my head. It feels almost ridiculous to be struggling with this. Those verses people have quoted at me for so many years play through my head, “God did not give us a spirit of fear…” And I can’t help but wonder what sort of help people think it is to quote a verse in this manner. I always wanted to scream, “you think I don’t know that? And yet, I’m still afraid. So great, we’ve identified that God is NOT behind my fear, which means that Satan probably is. I’m still afraid, what are we going to DO about it?” I was always too nice to actually say that, but now, today, I’m in that “What do I do about it?” place. I’m thinking I need to arrange a time to hang out with some praying friends, and pray through some of the reasons that this keeps appearing so very strongly in my life.
However, besides the meeting (which was great until it ended and I realized what I’d agreed to) I had a great evening last night. At lunch with a friend yesterday, I discovered that another friend was in town for a few days, and was possibly free last evening. When I got back to work, I gave her a call, and we ended up meeting for dinner in Kensington. We stumbled into this tiny little basement hole in the wall restaurant, with funky decorations, that serves crepes. Seventy plus varieties of crepes. SO GOOD. I had this fantastic concoction filled with whipped cream, mango, and apple, and drizzled with a mango sauce. To die for. I’ll definitely be going back there.
Hanging out with Rae for the evening was a god thing. There’s been some family stuff going on in my life for the last year, and it intensified greatly over the weekend. To be away from home and miss the intense family dinner hour was very much a gift from God at a moment when I needed it. Plus, Rae is one of those friends with whom there is little point making small talk. We don’t see each other often enough for that, and quite quickly get to the heart of what God is doing in each of our lives. It was great to be able to have that conversation, to empathize with each other, to be grumpy in that not really grumpy sort of way at the ridiculous, painful, and yet beautiful ways God has been showing up in our lives lately. To really be genuine. I miss that – not too many friends living in Calgary anymore that I share that with.
This is a REALLY long sort of post. The trouble is, I’ve got nothing but time on my hands at work these days. So I sit and journal in my word processor so that it looks as if I’m actually working, and then I stick a lot of it here on my blog for you to enjoy. There’s been a lot on my mind lately, and I’ve been writing a LOT. So, kudos to you if you made it through this post, and all of the other lengthy posts I’ve been putting up here lately!
I’m sitting at my desk drinking mango rooibos tea, and eating smarties. (I eat them by color – is that slightly obsessive compulsive of me? And, before you ask, no I don’t “eat the red ones last.” I eat whatever I deem to be the “prettiest color” last – today that’s probably the blue ones. I eat them in order of color ugliness. Okay, yeah, that’s a little strange once you write it down.)
We had our planning meeting last night for the youth retreat we’re holding next weekend, and picked a topic. We’re going with a general theme of “How can we be more aware of God in our daily lives?” So, on the Friday evening we’re going to do some teaching around the theme of “How does God speak?” The pastor I work with will do the intro, and set the context of the scripture passage we’re using, and then will do “God speaks in a whisper”. After that, we take a short break, and then I’m doing “God speaks in a scream/big event” and “God speaks in silence/When God is silent”. The following day, we’re taking the kids hiking for 3 or 4 hours in the mountains near the town where we’re staying. Over the course of the hike and the rest of the day, we’ll stop three times for reflection, moving inwards, applying some of what we’ll have talked about the night before. We’ll ask them to do some journaling, and then to share a bit with the group. So we’ll start with “God in creation”, then “God in my family and friends” and finally “God in me”. My only teaching responsibility on the Saturday will be to intro the journaling portion at the beginning of the hike, explaining why journaling can be important or significant, and that it doesn’t necessarily encompass only writing sentences, could be drawing, or whatever.
I was really excited about this topic all through the meeting. I felt confident that God was leading us, and I was excited about the topics I’m going to be teaching on. However, almost as soon as the pastor I’m working with left my house, the fear and anxiety set in. The sudden “Oh my goodness, what have I agreed to do sort of feeling.”
I slept really poorly last night.
I woke up this morning with a pall of fear hanging over me. I don’t understand how I can at some moments walk in such spiritual freedom, and at others become so overcome by fear. Fear has always been a huge issue in my life, and has at times kept me from doing and becoming who I really want and feel called to be. To be honest, I think there is also some generational stuff involved in the fear over my life, and I’m not quite sure what to do about that either. Anyway, I’m really struggling with it this morning. I feel this fear and almost depression hanging over my head. It feels almost ridiculous to be struggling with this. Those verses people have quoted at me for so many years play through my head, “God did not give us a spirit of fear…” And I can’t help but wonder what sort of help people think it is to quote a verse in this manner. I always wanted to scream, “you think I don’t know that? And yet, I’m still afraid. So great, we’ve identified that God is NOT behind my fear, which means that Satan probably is. I’m still afraid, what are we going to DO about it?” I was always too nice to actually say that, but now, today, I’m in that “What do I do about it?” place. I’m thinking I need to arrange a time to hang out with some praying friends, and pray through some of the reasons that this keeps appearing so very strongly in my life.
However, besides the meeting (which was great until it ended and I realized what I’d agreed to) I had a great evening last night. At lunch with a friend yesterday, I discovered that another friend was in town for a few days, and was possibly free last evening. When I got back to work, I gave her a call, and we ended up meeting for dinner in Kensington. We stumbled into this tiny little basement hole in the wall restaurant, with funky decorations, that serves crepes. Seventy plus varieties of crepes. SO GOOD. I had this fantastic concoction filled with whipped cream, mango, and apple, and drizzled with a mango sauce. To die for. I’ll definitely be going back there.
Hanging out with Rae for the evening was a god thing. There’s been some family stuff going on in my life for the last year, and it intensified greatly over the weekend. To be away from home and miss the intense family dinner hour was very much a gift from God at a moment when I needed it. Plus, Rae is one of those friends with whom there is little point making small talk. We don’t see each other often enough for that, and quite quickly get to the heart of what God is doing in each of our lives. It was great to be able to have that conversation, to empathize with each other, to be grumpy in that not really grumpy sort of way at the ridiculous, painful, and yet beautiful ways God has been showing up in our lives lately. To really be genuine. I miss that – not too many friends living in Calgary anymore that I share that with.
This is a REALLY long sort of post. The trouble is, I’ve got nothing but time on my hands at work these days. So I sit and journal in my word processor so that it looks as if I’m actually working, and then I stick a lot of it here on my blog for you to enjoy. There’s been a lot on my mind lately, and I’ve been writing a LOT. So, kudos to you if you made it through this post, and all of the other lengthy posts I’ve been putting up here lately!
Friday, April 13, 2007
Yesterday
Yesterday was a good day.
Work, was, well, dead. (This is actually not part of the “good” day.) I had nothing in particular to do, which makes for a rather long shift, staring at my computer screen and wondering how much of the day is left.
But, on my way home, I got a text message and then a phone call from Rae. I knew she was in town, but neither one of us were sure that it would work out to get together. It did.
We met for tea at the Oolong Tea House in Kensington. I hadn’t been there for tea since before Rae moved, because everyone I know drinks coffee instead of tea. So, since it was a nice night, we sat on the back porch of the tea house and started catching up. And, eventually, we got more tea to go, and wandered up 10th Street, eventually ending up walking the path around Riley Park.
It was so good to hang out again. I’ve missed that kind of honest conversation that you can only have with the best of friends. The kind you know will be reciprocated. The kind that inevitably delves into the deeper spiritual stuff of our lives. So many of the people that I have that kind of conversation with don’t live in Calgary anymore, and I miss them. I chat with lots of people, meet them for coffee dates, hang out and so on, and I’m generally always honest about where I’m at in life, but very few will reciprocate deeply, and fewer still are comfortable enough for me to share the spiritual stuff, the questions, the “odd” occurrences, and so forth. Rae and I chatted like we’d seen each other the day before, instead of sometime before Christmas. It made for great conversation as we walked in the park, enjoying one of the first really beautiful spring evenings we’ve had this year.
I also bought a tea infuser – one that will work well for a single cup of tea. So I’m sitting here this morning, drinking a lovely cup of citrus rooibos, made from great loose tea, instead of a tea bag. Smells great, tastes great, and makes me happy.
Work, was, well, dead. (This is actually not part of the “good” day.) I had nothing in particular to do, which makes for a rather long shift, staring at my computer screen and wondering how much of the day is left.
But, on my way home, I got a text message and then a phone call from Rae. I knew she was in town, but neither one of us were sure that it would work out to get together. It did.
We met for tea at the Oolong Tea House in Kensington. I hadn’t been there for tea since before Rae moved, because everyone I know drinks coffee instead of tea. So, since it was a nice night, we sat on the back porch of the tea house and started catching up. And, eventually, we got more tea to go, and wandered up 10th Street, eventually ending up walking the path around Riley Park.
It was so good to hang out again. I’ve missed that kind of honest conversation that you can only have with the best of friends. The kind you know will be reciprocated. The kind that inevitably delves into the deeper spiritual stuff of our lives. So many of the people that I have that kind of conversation with don’t live in Calgary anymore, and I miss them. I chat with lots of people, meet them for coffee dates, hang out and so on, and I’m generally always honest about where I’m at in life, but very few will reciprocate deeply, and fewer still are comfortable enough for me to share the spiritual stuff, the questions, the “odd” occurrences, and so forth. Rae and I chatted like we’d seen each other the day before, instead of sometime before Christmas. It made for great conversation as we walked in the park, enjoying one of the first really beautiful spring evenings we’ve had this year.
I also bought a tea infuser – one that will work well for a single cup of tea. So I’m sitting here this morning, drinking a lovely cup of citrus rooibos, made from great loose tea, instead of a tea bag. Smells great, tastes great, and makes me happy.
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