Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Still Thinking About Judgement

Last week I wrote here about the fact that I'm a judgemental person.

I was thinking about that again this morning.

I received an email from a list that I've been on for a while now, and it contained an article about a topic I've thought a lot about, discussed often, and feel quite strongly about.

I started to read the article. Twice.

And then I realized something. I wasn't reading the article because it covered a topic I've thought about and discussed and care deeply about. I was reading it because I was hunting for ammunition. Because I wanted to be right.

Because in the imaginary conversations that play out in my head, I wanted to be able to detail my point. To throw scriptures at my imaginary conversational partner. To win.

I want that imaginary conversation to end with my dialogue partner on their knees, begging my forgiveness for how poorly they've lived some things out.

I was reading because it let me judge. It was the wrong motivation.

And as I stared at the article without seeing, I felt that little mirror pop up in my heart. That voice that reflects yourself back at you and reminds you that you are engaging in the very thing for which you want to judge another.

Not a major or profound moment.

But a quiet reminder.

I closed the article. And the email it came in. And deleted the email.

Hopefully one little step towards letting go. Towards forgiveness and release instead of hatred and judgement. At least I pray so.