Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Going to Fight for It

Yesterday was actually a fairly decent day at work.

But I really, really fought for that.

I don't think I realized how hard I fought for it until I stepped out of the building at the end of the day, breathed a sigh of relief, and almost melted into a puddle of tears and exhaustion.

I slept restlessly again last night, and I'm even more tired today.

I had a bit of a shock when I woke up this morning, that made me catch my breath, and spun me just a little.

I'm going to fight for another good day.

I know after yesterday that it's a battle I CAN win.

But it's a bit more of an overwhelming thought today.

There is none of yesterday's blind determination today.

Just the knowing that it is indeed an incredible fight.

And I will fight for it.

But the very thought makes me want to melt in a puddle of tears.

I don't realize all the time just how exhausting the process of changing thought patterns is. How hard it is to make choice after choice after choice to see the world differently from that which is the most natural and habitual way of seeing for me.

Or just how draining it is to keep all of the negative energy, the anger, tension and stress that floats around my office from affecting me.

Or how I get tired of working my butt off without being thanked.

You know those "love language" things? I'm totally a words of affirmation and gifts girl. Someone thanking me or offering a compliment or a word of encouragement really does make an incredible difference in my day. Someone seeing how hard I'm fighting and taking the time to comment really does give strength for the battle. And, while I'm working on finding that true affirmation primarily in Jesus, that identity and worth only in Him, those words of encouragement still really do help.

Thankfully I don't see every day how difficult it is to do all those things differently, to see and think and choose and be different.

So, here I go.

I'm going to fight for it.

We'll see how it goes.