Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Where My Heart Is...

My heart feels scattered this morning, pulled in a variety of directions, prayers and patterns of thought...

I'm thinking about how much I identify with this cartoon at "The Naked Pastor."

I'm watching as a project I've been following from a distance gains momentum, and feeling the pull of that. Feeling the impact that it's having on my heart.

I'm feeling a deep sadness about a number of things.

And a deep frustration over some others.

I'm thinking about the "be relentless" prayer list that I composed at the beginning of this year, and negotiating/arguing just a little with God over one of the items. An item I'm tired of praying for, no longer believe is truly possible, and am feeling a bit like I just can't pray for anymore.

I'm feeling like the things I never wanted to change are shifting constantly, and the things in which I longed for that shifting simply will not move.

I'm thinking about a blog world aquaintance whose father just recently passed away. And the moving post she wrote here. And the ways it makes me reconsider some relationships of my own.

I'm thinking about 1:11 and 11:11, and how I keep catching those times on the clock, on a nearly daily basis these days. About how they touch a raw spot in my soul, and are inextricably tied in my heart to certain people and places, and stir prayers.

I'm thinking about a friend who is beginning the trip home today after some time away. Praying for safe travels, smooth connections, and the transition back into life at home.

I'm thinking again about idolatry. About the verse in Jeremiah that so struck me last fall. "Idol worship is a form of self-harm." A striking image for one who has dealt with those who have deliberately harmed themselves as a way of releasing pain. And asking questions again about what idols, what forms of self harm, need to be struck down within my own life.

And I'm thinking about venom, and bloodletting. Remembering vivid images that came in separate moments of prayer, months apart, driving my car to and from work. Praying for endings and cleansing and release.

My heart is scattered, and trying desperately to pray, to somehow find Jesus in the midst of all of this. I am thinking about so many things in my own life, and praying for so many of those whom I care for deeply. My heart hurts, but maybe that's okay?