Thursday, July 16, 2009

I Can't Walk Away

I'm asking "what would happen if..." questions this morning about a lot of things.

Most of them aren't quite ready to share here.

I'm struggling deeply, and, to be honest, in some ways, I'm trying to hide from God. I'm tired. And in the rare occasions I've sensed his hand and leading and voice lately, the things He's asked have been painful and hard, tugging at my already broken heart.

I'm still listening to "Because You Are" on repeat as I drive to work each morning. "I keep singing skyward, it just never rains." Would it make sense if I said that I both desperately desire the rain, and am absolutely horrified at the thought of what it might bring?

I traded emails with a dear friend last night about a decision I needed to make. Her words were helpful in that, at least for a few moments I felt slightly less alone in the midst of some of the things I was walking through. Her words (and the words that formed in my responses) brought deep tears to the surface, and a few of them fell.

Sleep remains elusive. I'm trying not to count nights (four) or panic (too late). It becomes harder to push away the panic and anxiety when I'm not getting adequate rest. The things that haunt me become stronger and stronger as sleep becomes a more distant memory. The growing number of bruises on my arms and legs when I wake each morning tell me a story of struggle, battle, wrestling as I sleep. And that thought too, is draining.

There are days I wish I could leave Jesus behind. Where I wish that somewhere along the way, I'd found joy and peace and fulfilment of the depth I've found in Jesus somewhere else, anywhere else, because then I could leave Jesus without knowing that I was walking away from the one thing that has brought peace and joy and healing. But I can't walk away... even in those moments when I deeply fear what will happen if I keep walking forward. Even in the moments when the panic is thick and deep. I can't walk away. And that is both the most comforting and absolutely terrifying and frustrating thought in existence.