Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Discombobulated Catharsis

I'm feeling a bit like my brain has taken leave of my body today. Discombobulated and scattered.

I was complaining about this fact to my roommate as I drove her to the train this morning, and she tried to encourage me by reminding me that if I can make it to Friday, this is a long weekend, and next week is a short work week. She laughed when I told her that work was the one thing I am consistently finding semi-enjoyable in life right now! Which should tell those of you who've been privy to some of the back story of my office politics and tensions for the last year just how much things have improved with the departure of a certain challenging coworker, and my assuming a new position and responsibilities at the office.

My body aches today. I've slept uncomfortably, tossing and turning for several straight nights, and my body is sore today from that. I also made the decision as my body heat fluctuated throughout the night last night that it is perhaps time to change the sheets on my bed from the flannel fall and winter ones to the soft cotton spring and summer set. So tonight, after work, and some errands, I'll go home and do that. Maybe it'll inspire a more restful sleep?

I spoke for a few hours on the phone with a dear friend last night. We ended up talking about some things I'd had no desire or plan to delve into. I'd had a rough few days and talking about those things was the last thing I really wanted to do. I was feeling sick of myself, and sick of feeling miserable, and exploring that was certainly not on my agenda. I wanted to hear about an upcoming trip she's making, and spend some time praying for her as she prepares to go. We talked about that, and prayed, true, but I wasn't prepared for the directions the rest of our conversation took. And I cried through much of it.

Which is probably partly why I'm feeling scattered and discombobulated this morning.

And yet, in some ways it was deeply cathartic too. She is one of the few people in my life who routinely invites tears. They seem to simply spill over when we talk or email, or spend time together in person. And perhaps, as my roommate (who'd seen the tears threatening on Sunday evening as we caught up on our weekends) was right in pointing out that I maybe needed to cry.

But I needed the sort of truth she spoke. The "pep talk" of sorts.

Because I've (to borrow a phrase my dad used back in his marathon running days) "hit the wall" with some of the changes I've been trying to implement in my life. The decisions designed to increase health and well-being. The initial drive to make them is gone, and the hard slogging has officially begun.

So I needed to hear her challenge to keep pushing towards those things. But also the grace and encouragment she offered.

So, today I'm existing in a state of discombobulate catharsis. And maybe that's okay too.