Just when I thought it was over...

Just when I thought it might finally be coming to an end. This year of madness and insanity. This year of deep brokenness. Just when I thought that it was over. That I was done. That it was finally going to be possible to move on, it kicked back into gear again.

More tears.

More exhaustion.

More disturbing dreams.

The growing distance. (I hate the distance.)

It's still going on all around me. It's still going on inside of me.

And the question is this: Can I be done? Or must it still be engaged? Can something that so deeply affects me, and those I care about deeply, be ignored until it really does go away? When will it all end? And what does living out life in the meantime look like?

And so, I'm back to waiting and praying. The tears spill over on a regular basis - a several times daily basis. My heart is shattered, and I wonder if it will ever be whole again. I wonder some days if whole is what I really want, or if shattered is maybe the thing that looks more like Jesus' heart anyway.