I want to have nice words...

I want to have nice words for you all, challenging and inspiring thoughts to live by, but the truth is, today I don't.

I don't even have nice words for me.

I'm tired of telling you that I'm struggling. I'm tired of struggling for that matter.

My roommate asked me this morning as I drove her to the train if I was okay. I laughed at the question and told her that I'm so far from okay right now that I'm not even sure how to begin the process of picking up the pieces this time and getting back there.

I wonder some days if the tug of war with God ever gets any easier.

I wonder some days why it isn't granted to me to understand the bigger picture. I'm so much more at ease when I understand what is happening around me, and in me and through me.

I'm struggling with the ongoing "recovering pastor's kid" battle today. The lie that says that being all things to all people is absolutely key, and that measuring up to their expectations is central to my own self-worth. That measuring up to God's expectations is central to receiving his love, his joy, his peace.

And I'm having a bit of an argument with a dear friend over the space in life that I'm occupying. Which is actually kind of funny, since there's been the perception that at times that I idolized this particular friend. No one who'd been privy to the conversations we've had in the last while could think that. I'm grouchy because she's usually right, and I think she probably is again this time, though for the life of me I can't figure out how that translates into choices and real life.

The good news in the midst of all this?

Well, I'm not depressed - that's still a victory to celebrate. And despite another absolutely brutal night of dreams, that caused me to wake up quite ill this morning, I didn't puke - that's good news these days. I can tell you that the whole expectations game is a lie now, even though I'm not always particularly successful at combatting it's effects. I have a job that (mostly) pays my bills. I'm living in a place (as far as I know) of obedience to everything God is asking, even though some of it really sucks right now. (I'm still working on the joyful obedience part.) Even though I'm arguing with a friend, I'm not worried that her love is conditional - that's pretty huge for me too. I can't think of anyone else in my life (except maybe God, and even that can be a bit of a wobbly assurance at times) that I can say that about.

So.

On with the day.

On with the conversations that may or may not happen.

On with the crazyness of my office in renewal season.

On with prayer, and fasting, and obedience, even when it hurts like crap.

On with trying to find joy.

On with identifying the lies, and working to combat their presence and influence in my life.

On with remembering to be thankful for little blessings like warm boots, and not throwing up, and a friend I can argue with and know she won't stop loving me.

On with the day.

On with choosing life.