Re-Create

I didn't sleep much again last night.

I stayed home this morning. I'll go in to the office for the afternoon, but I couldn't make it out of bed this morning. I was ill, and exhausted.

I'm still exhausted. I'm beginning to think that it's a state that is never going to go away.

And I'm still only seconds from tears. There's a journaling excercise I'm going to try in a few minutes to alleviate some of that, but who knows...

And worse yet, my house, this morning, with both of roommates off at their jobs, is the best it's been in weeks.

No living with a pair of best friends when yours is distant.

No wedding discussions.

Nothing to underscore how lonely I've felt.

No need to put up a facade of practicality and happiness.

No need to resent them for being so consumed with weddings and ignoring the dozens of little things around the house that need to be done.

Just quiet.

But I'm avoiding the quiet too. Because quiet and stillness is an invitation for Jesus to show up and start talking, and then the surreal nature of life lately tends to intensify.

So I'm going to self-help.

I'm going to write my way through a journalling exercise that has always tended to expose the pains of my heart. And then I'm going to pray.

And then I'm going to shower. In my newly unclogged bathtub (which no one thanked me for fixing by the way.) With mango body scrub from the body shop. And shave my legs, and generally just relax for a little while until I have to leave for work. I'm going to put on clothes that make me feel pretty, and style my hair (since I'm going out to a special event after work with my brother anyhow) and put on makeup.

For the afternoon, I'm going to re-create myself. Just for a little while. And if it works, then I'll do it again and again until I start believing again that I really am someone who fits, who has a home, who is strong, who was created in the image of God, who can be beautiful, and who is loved.