Trust?

Exhaustion is hanging quite heavily today.

Depression is once again crowding the edges of my mind, and I find myself one false step away from that descent back into the hopelessness I swore I would never descend into again.

Both the exhaustion and the threatening depression bring physical symptoms with them. Decreased appetite. Nausea. Headaches. Stiff and aching muscles.

I’m seriously considering looking for a new job. Just to get even one aspect of my life back into a rhythm instead of unpredictable chaos. I’m tired of my integrity and maturity being questioned because someone else is acting with limited integrity and maturity.

I don’t know how much fight I have left in me. I need Jesus to fight for me.

I’m trying to trust Him. I want to trust Him.

Trust is not one of my strong points. Trust seems easily betrayed. To trust wholly is to be exposed and open to pain.

I’m trying to trust Him.

Grey’s Anatomy (as usual) summed it up in lines that Meredith said to Derek at the end of the season finale a few weeks ago:

"I'm still mad at you! And I don't know if I trust you. I wanna trust you, but I don't know if I do, so I'm just gonna try. I'm gonna try and trust you because I believe that we can be extraordinary together, rather than ordinary apart."

I'm gonna try and trust Him.