Paradoxes (or “I Can’t Have It Both Ways Can I?)

Combatant prince, O come to me,
No weak, peaceful Brother disgraced.
A dead cold body hung on a tree.
This is not what I came to see.
(http://blog.beliefnet.com/godspolitics/2008/06/when-a-eucharist-of-humility-i.html)

I’m going back and forth this morning. I want it both ways.

I want the gentle, healing way. The way that a friend and I have talked about for months now. Gentle encounter. Healing in the midst of worship. Less warlike, and more filled with adoration. The way that defined my healing from depression nearly three years ago.

And yet, I want the warlike way as well. I want the Jesus who protects, who guards, who defends, who goes to battle on my behalf. I want a Jesus who will order the things tormenting me through these last days and months to leave. Not a Jesus who says, “Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.”

I want to be totally defended, to rest in the knowledge that I am protected. I also want to defend myself.

There is this shield picture spoken over my life, and I find myself struggling with it. The posture required of me to be protected by the shield held over me is one where I am defenseless. Laid out on my face, curled into a ball. There is no way to move quickly from that position. No way to defend myself. There is a trust required in it that is hard for me. To trust that that shield will be enough. That I am protected. To relinquish control of that.

I want that victorious Christian life you hear about sometimes. The one that a good pastor’s kid knows is a lie or a pipe dream. But the one that sounds so promising. Just meet Jesus and all your troubles will melt away. Seems my troubles have done nothing but increase since meeting Jesus. There are days (more frequently lately) where walking with Jesus seems only a marginally better option than life without Him. The question I find myself asking is if “marginally” is enough?

I want it both ways. To be in control, and to be surrendered to a protection far beyond my control.

Somehow, I don’t think I can have it both ways.