Do Over

Yesterday was maybe one of the worst days in recent record for me.

Anger, jealousy, resentment, frustration, exhaustion, hormones. All of them bubbled up and around and out of me in less than flattering ways. There were apologies to be made, and I spent much of my train commute home last night whining, and then confessing the sins of my day to Jesus.

After a full evening I collapsed in my chair and began to write. I don't like some of things inside me right now. They're honest questions, but they're being expressed in ugly ways, and I don't quite know how to handle them.

I could tell you that yesterday was particularly bad due to hormonal mood swings, and a situation at work that has been out of hand for months, and over-exhaustion from not sleeping for weeks at a time, and the fact that I do not handle transition well, and I'm in the midst of moving. All of those would be true statements, and all of them would be an attempt to rationalize sin.

I spent a long time sitting in that chair, with my journal, talking with Jesus. Confessing, and asking for forgiveness. Begging Him to hold me and to draw near to me in this space.

I passed a restless, nearly sleepless night. Sometimes laying there, sometimes praying.

Yesterday was a day in which I found myself wishing for a "do over."

I can't re-do yesterday, but I can learn from it.

I can choose differently today, though all of the same extenuating circumstances remain.

I can choose joy. And peace. And hope.

I can choose courage in the face of the fears that so completely overwhelm.

I can fight back as necessary, and choose to rest in a promise of a shield spoken over my life.

I can choose to remember that I am loved, that I have not been forgotten, by Jesus or those around me who walk out life with me, and encourage me to draw near to Jesus.

I can wait patiently for the tears to fall, and let them pour from me when they finally begin.

I can choose to believe that healing will come.

I found the following in my email inbox - the "Daily Text" from the Moravians for today:

The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him intruth. Psalm 145:18

Bartimaeus began to shout out and say, "Jesus, Son of David, have mercyon me!" Jesus stood still and said, "Call him here." And they called theblind man, saying to him, "Take heart; get up, he is calling you." Mark 10:47,49

We are grateful to you, O God, for the blessing of your forgiveness. Wethank you that in Christ, you set us free from the guilt and blindnessof the past, and give us hope for the future. Amen.