Crisis of Self-doubt

I am just at this moment, having a massive crisis of self-doubt.

I have known for quite some time, and talked openly about my need to move out from under my parent’s roof. This fact has been underscored greatly these past few months, and there is a huge part of me desperately excited for the possibilities of coming freedom.

I picked up a complete stranger – someone whom I’d only met by email connections of my parents – at the airport on Sunday morning. We’d corresponded about the possibility of living together. She’s a year older than me, come to Canada from New Zealand to work for a year, and we both liked the easier financial drain of sharing a home rather than renting individually. Within 24 hours we were looking at our first basement suite. (which, by the way, we’re not taking – ask me about the lovely land-lady who’d be living upstairs sometime!)

We have an appointment to see another place tonight, and plans to hopefully see some more places tomorrow as I have taken the day off work.

But this morning, I find myself battling a resurgence of all sorts of fears. I am no stranger to fear, it has long been the biggest obstacle to walking in freedom in my life, and today those fears are running rampant.

I find myself wondering if it’s completely insane to have decided to live with a girl who I’ve known for a little more than 48 hours. I mean, I like her, she’s very sweet, but I know very little about her. I tell myself that it’s only for a year, and if it turns out terribly, it’s not that long, but I don’t know if I want to make a decision based on that? I find myself wondering if I should settle for an apartment I don’t like very much in order to get out of my parent’s house more quickly. I’m trying to decide what parts of the city I would feel comfortable living in, and whether I should push to find something in my favored neighborhoods, or if I should just simply pick something for the convenience of availability. I’m wishing my parents weren’t on a different continent so that I could run some of these thoughts past someone with experience in these sorts of things. I’m tired, and a little peopled out, with no particular end to that in sight. I’m wishing I could curl up in my bedroom and simply hide for several hours, but instead I’ve got dozens of plans for the next few days… things that must be accomplished. I’m wondering if I’m suddenly terrified because of spiritual attack, or if it’s actually a more cautioning voice of God, telling me not to move too quickly… augh… I’m going to have to phone a friend long-distance or something, find someone to chat some of this out with.

With that, I’m off to coffee break…