Stressed...and restless

I’m having the sort of week (can you say that only two days in?) that feels really high in the stress level, and low in the patience level.

My job remains slow. It feels like such a waste of my time to be sitting at my desk pretending to be busy eight hours a day this week. I have so many other things that need to get done, that can’t be done while I’m sitting here pretending to be busy.

I’m realizing that I don’t really make enough money to have a social life, live outside of my parent’s home, and own a car. Not sure what I’m going to do about that… curtail the social life quite dramatically? Beg and plead for a raise even though I don’t have a yearly review until September? Live in “poverty” (keep in mind that I’m well aware of the way much of the rest of the world lives, but my salary with the expenses until September and then either get a raise or a new job? Carve time out of an already busy schedule and get a part-time job for a couple hours a week on weekends to supplement my income from my full-time job?

It kind of figures that I’d find myself living in one of the most expensive cities in the country to live in, just when I’m finally ready to exert some independence! And yet, someone asked me this morning why I don’t just leave Calgary, and I just can’t yet. I’ve spent a year wanting desperately to get out, and then, in the last few months, I’ve known that I’m still supposed to be here. One of my closest friends invited me to come live with her in Vancouver again recently, and while I said that I’d think about it, I really feel like I’m still supposed to be here for a while. Weird.

I made some progress on my list last night, after procrastinating for a while. I even wrote half of the talk I’m giving Friday night, though at this point I’m not happy with the ending of that bit yet. I’ll probably sit down and do the second half tonight.

There is a restlessness in me this week. An unsettledness as I prepare to make some changes in my life, as I wrestle with the fear of really speaking my heart this weekend. A desire to be doing something, anything really, other than sitting at my desk pretending to be busy.