I’m rethinking church. AGAIN.
I made a decision last fall, after talking with many trusted friends and advisors, people who know me well, and hear God well, to return to the church I grew up in. The church that my dad pastors. I sensed God leading in that direction, went back, got involved in youth ministry there, and have tried to settle in.
Except I haven’t settled in. At all. I mostly hate it. I feel like I’ve been fighting against all of the old reasons that I had left the church in the first place. The religious nature of it. The pressure to be someone I’m just not. The sense of expectation surrounding being a pastor’s kid. The lack of community with my peers (there aren’t any people my age at all). Most Sundays I haul myself out of bed and go out of obligation and guilt – I have a deal with the youth pastor I work with that I’ll be there 3 Sundays a month.
The last time I had a Sunday off, and stayed at home, it was the most spiritually profitable time I’d had in weeks, just sitting in an armchair with my bible and chatting with God.
I’m committed to working with the youth through until summer – probably the end of June. I’m planning to do some rethinking of the whole church thing over the summer. Maybe some church visiting – trying to find something that fits who I am a little better.
Or, here’s a thought. Maybe I’ll just take a break from church for a while. Is that blasphemous? It feels blasphemous because of the way I was raised. I know all about the importance of being in community with other Christians, but I have to wonder – if that need isn’t being met through the church I attend, is it worth it to go through the motions just for the sake of going to church somewhere? I actually really value worship and teaching times – I can’t imagine being away from church permanently, but right now, the idea of a bunch of quiet Sunday mornings, just hanging out alone with God is really, really appealing…
Thoughts? Ideas? Comments? I’d love to generate some dialogue around the issue of church – whether or not it’s important, if it is, why is it important, how do you define church, what is it exactly? If you want to help out in my thinking process by commenting, I’d be grateful!
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
I became a Christian later in life and I didn't grow up in a church, where as my husband did.
He left the church when he was younger because he felt judged by the congregation and he didn't come back to the church until after I had attended and become a Christian.
As you know the church is the body of Christ. When we slag church of, we're slagging Jesus of too. I sometimes have real problems with my church also, but I pray that God will help me adapt to my church.
The guilt thing is an old skool way of thinking. A few weeks ago, I did a boot sale with a non-Christian friend on a Sunday morning. My husband had major issues with that. He said the 'church' wouldn't like it. I felt really guilty at first, but then I realised his old skool up bringing and sensed that the church (Jesus) would still love me whatever I do and besides I spent the morning with a non-Christian talking about God.
When I went to church the next Sunday, no one in the congregation had a problem with me going to a boot sale, and also most of the church weren't there due to a local football match. Funny that!
To help you out, I don't think there is a perfect church, because none of us are perfect, but focusing on Jesus will help us aspire to be perfect.
God bless ya and keep doing what you're doing 'cause Jesus still loves you!
Hey Lisa. I took a year away from Church. That was probably a bit much but God told me where and when I needed to go back. In the off-time, I really did enjoy the quiet Sunday mornings with the house to myself to just journal and chat with God. Plus, it wasn't as if I had no Christian contacts or instruction: there are a lot of really good theological and faith books out there for the reading, I have a number of Christian family members and friends I can talk to about my journey, and I'm at a Christian college. I believe you have at least 2/3 of those.
God sent me back to the EMC church of my childhood after Epic. I really struggled with that direction because I never wanted to attend there again. God's answer to me was that I couldn't abandon the EMC just because I didn't agree with everything in it. He made me look for good things that he's doing in the congregation and then started preparing me to become a leader there among the group my own age. Luckily, God sent me back to the EMC right at the time when they hired a new Young Adults/Youth Pastor...he just happens to be one of the original initiators of 24/7 prayer in NFL and even applied to be a pastor at Epic at one point but turned the job down because his student loan debt was too big. Anyhoo, he wants to turn the Youth/Young Adults groups on their heads, ending the tract-handing out and anonymous flyer leaving techniques that are so very unsuccessful in leiu of one-on-one building real relationships with people. I'm kinda scared and excited simultaneously. I was terrified that I was going to be the only non-traditional church structure experienced at my church after Amy left. God surprised me. Now I just have to keep up. I hope these thoughts were in some measure helpful.
It takes so much energy to be in a place where one doesn't feel comfortable being themselves, warts and all. That is the sense I get from your post....the pressure to be someone else.
I've gone through the gamut when it comes to church. no church. Home church. Legalistic church many times over. Fellowship is important. having to wear a mask to do it is exhausting.
I don't think there's anything blasphemous about taking a break from church.
Once when we were home churching I had a cancer scare. We realized that if my biopsy turned out to be malignant that we had isolated ourselves from the faith community and would have little support for the road ahead. The biopsy turned out fine but it got us going back to church. I found when we went back I felt far less judgement from those around me....and eventually came to the conclusion that I felt that because I had become a less judgemental person in the interm.
What else can I say? It is a relief not to go the Alliance church we went to before....I'm not good at faking it and being who I am didn't exactly cut it there. The people meant well. There were lots of caring, loving people. Our views of grace were different though.
Oh, I could type more but this is it. Pray. You'll find your way. Just know that Jesus will see you the same if you are in church or not. With loving eyes and a grace filled heart.
Thanks for the thoughts everyone...
I've actually made a decision around this whole thing. I was at church last Sunday, and in the middle of a conversation something snapped in me, and I knew it was over. The season of time at this church is done. I just have to follow through on some commitments to the youth I work with, and I'll be done at the end of June.
Watch the blog to see how it plays out. This hasn't been an easy decision, it hurts a lot, and right now is tied to some other strong and painful emotional and relational stuff... It's affecting my physical health just presently (strong emotional/spiritual stuff always does)...
So, I appreciate all of your thoughts, and also all of your prayers in the coming months...
Post a Comment