Retreat

Retreat
1. the forced or strategic withdrawal of an army or an armed force before an enemy, or the withdrawing of a naval force from action.

2.	the act of withdrawing, as into safety or privacy; retirement; seclusion.

3.	a place of refuge, seclusion, or privacy: The library was his retreat.

(dictionary.com)

Any good historian will tell you that there are times in the midst of battle in which one must retreat, withdraw, regroup.

I think that's where I'm living right now. Since the new year, my life has been a battle of proportions I've never before encountered, and at this juncture I find myself exhausted and in need of a chance to withdraw into safety, to find a place of refuge and seclusion.

I don't know anymore if that is the wisest course of action, but it is the course of action I've chosen for a bit.

I'm curled up inside myself, hiding from reality in novels, losing myself in the lives of characters for whom, if life does not turn out perfect, there is almost always a perfectly obvious redeeming characteristic or event readily available.

I'm regrouping, asking myself questions I thought long settled, that have been stirred by events of the past week. I'm wondering what my answers are to the questions "who am I?" and "what am I made for?" I would have told you that I could answer those, but someone close to me told me a week ago that I could not, that I used pretty words to answer, that served to cover "aimless maturing" and "unfocused passion". I am deeply stung by this accusation, and find myself questioning even the things that seem most simple and true in my supposed answers.

I am thinking this week about the story of the treasure buried in the field, and the pearl of great price, and the man who gave up everything to obtain that one thing. It feels as if there are things that will cost me dearly in front of me, in order that I might obtain that one true treasure.

I'm wondering at my own growing intuition and awareness of things that would seem to exist only in the spiritual realm. I was shopping in a trendy neighborhood with my mom last weekend, visiting a clothing consignment shop that shared space with a new age/occult bookstore and crystal shop. I noticed the sign advertising psychics in the back of the book portion of the shop, but paid little attention as I headed towards the door. My mom paused to look at something that had caught her eye, and I paused alongside her. A gentleman approached me and asked if I was "Nicole" (I think that's the name he used). Everything inside me instantly tensed, the spiritual part of me jumping back. This perfectly jovial, rotund late middle-aged gentleman had incited an unexpected response. Looking back, I'm quite sure that he was one of the advertised psychics. (Which brings to mind the old joke about psychics - "if he was truly psychic, why didn't he know who the person was that was to meet him?")

I'm surprised by the directions God has led my thoughts and prayers. I took a long walk on Saturday morning in Fish Creek Park, taking time to pray and prepare myself for an encounter I was dreading later in the day. I was slightly surprised to find myself unable to pray for that situation, and delighted as Jesus led me through a long period of interceeding for friends all over the world, before very naturally walking with me through my own requests for that day and the next weeks and months.

I feel in retreat. I'm taking a few moments to regroup, to try and rest, to focus less on the intensity of the things going on in my life. I'm working through the very mundane tasks on my "to-do" list for this week. Things like cleaning the bathroom, laundry, tidying my desk, emptying the garbage pail in my bedroom, watching a rented DVD, and updating the playlists on my ipod. I'm making space for reading and studying, but also space for novels, movies, and the relationships I'm involved in that are life-giving.

I feel oddly off balance when it comes to writing. Like there are a million things to say and at the same time absolutely nothing worth saying.

If the blog is quiet this next week or so, you now know why!