Just Thinking About... (Take 2)

Startled Awake
I had a rather odd moment this morning. I’m not sure what it means.

At around 5:00 I startled awake quite suddenly. My instinctual response as I woke was to quote the child Samuel, “Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening.” And then I lay there for a moment or two before drifting back to sleep.

Nothing spectacular followed in the hour and a bit of light sleep that came before waking more permanently to prepare for the day. I didn’t have any kind of divine revelation, nothing spoken that I’m aware of. Just this moment of waking and having my instinctual response be a prayer that created a posture of listening and invitation.

Interesting way to start the third Monday I’ve fasted.

Voices
In this current season of seeking direction and intense awareness of the spiritual realm, two voices in what I’m reading and listening to have stood out in the last while – the first is Jason Upton (both his music and some recordings of talks he gave at a conference in November) and the second is Rob Bell (particularly the chapter of Velvet Elvis titled “Tassels”.) I love this line from Rob Bell (paraphrased as I don’t have the book in front of me), “Your job is the relentless pursuit of who God has called you to be, and anything else is sin.”

Fasting
I’m not good at fasting intentionally. It felt easy that first Monday, the one right after I nearly died driving home from Marty and Kari’s. Such a strong sense of divine calling that day (and the queasy stomach from the leftover nerves helped too!). Last week was okay, and I ended up breaking the fast early to join my family and some guests in a meal, but this morning I keep having to remind myself that I’m not eating today. The chocolate bowl on my desk for our staff is mocking me. We (or should I say they) had cake to celebrate a co-worker's birthday, while I watched.

I’ve discovered that I eat out of habit – it is a way to fill time, to take up space that feels empty. When there's nothing else to do, when there's a pause in the action, I eat - some quick snack, often something fairly healthy, but I eat simply to fill space. I’m not sure that this is a particularly healthy method of eating, and it is probably good to discover these things about my appetites. This fasting has created a regular, forced reminder in my day that I am supposed to be focusing on God to fill me.