Morose

I just want to be up front. I've written about all kinds of moods on here. If you've been reading for a while, you've weathered the last year that I suffered from severe depression, you've weathered the season in which I came to the realization that God had healed that depression, you've hung around while I walked through very messy life stuff with a number of friends. You've seen happy and sad, up and down, and many things in between.

Today, I'm morose. Angry at life and possibly the world in general.

I had a nightmare last night. First one in a long time. Not happy. Terrorists, and a very sick, insulin dependent man. I was on an airplane again. There was a baby again. What is it with those two things showing up in my dreams, and what the heck do they mean?

In about two weeks we're going to have to put my very healthy dog, Shiloh, down. He tore his cruciate ligament last week, and the only options are surgery that costs a minimum of $1500, or give him anti-inflammatory drugs and hope like hell that this tiny chance actually occurs, and the ligament sort of reattaches itself. It's not looking good. I think he gets the pill for another two weeks, and then, because my parents aren't going to spend that kind of money on a pet, we're going to put him down. And I'm angry that it stares me in the face every time I move in our house. And I'm angry that it costs so much. And I'm angry that we have to do this. And I'm angry that it sort of makes sense as a financially responsible choice. And I'm grieving because, even though I would never choose on my own to have a pet, Shiloh has been part of our family for the last 13 years, and the whole situation sucks.

I'm also lonely. Seems all of my closest friends are now living elsewhere in the province, country, or world. No one to share heart connect with easily.

I'm confused about next steps. Life feels cloudy and tenuous as I am thinking about the future.

I feel a bit lost. Not sure how exactly to take who I am and make it fit in the church and circumstances of life that I find myself in. (Funny, isn't it, how I feel this way just a couple of weeks after dreaming every night about lost things....)

I'm discouraged for/with my brother. He's a music student prohibited from playing music. He doesn't know what the future holds.

It snowed three inches last night, and then the temperature dropped. I do not like winter. That would be why almost all of the places I'm considering either long-term or short-term moves to are either southern or coastal. Milder weather.

And, just to top everything off, driving standard is not going as smoothly as I'd hoped. I was doing pretty well last night, even managed to start on a hill a couple of times, and then, I turned into our alley, hit some ice, and slid out. I almost hit a fence. My brother had to come push me out. Following that, there was a slight debacle where I rolled down the entire length of the alley with my clutch in because every time I tried to hit the gas, my tires spun. Turns out I was in reverse, not first like I thought.

And, we're in the middle of crazy, stressful, busy, renewal season at work. Whoo hoo... I have a spreadsheet waiting for me... and we all know how much I LOVE numbers!

So there you have it. I am not so happy today. The nightmare is lingering, I'm on the brink of tears, and my muscles ache from jerking awake several times from the nightmare, plus the general tension of everything else that's going on. Hope you all have a far better day than me.