Sense of Obligation

I'm headed out tonight to house church. But more out of a sense of obligation than anything else. I'm really struggling with my church right now. Quite honestly, I haven't met God there in any kind of really significant way in a very long time - if ever.

I've met God through people I met there, but never in the context of a church gathering. And somehow, I think church should be challenging - and should be a place where you meet God. Now, I think this is maybe just my issue. And yes, I still enjoy the worship, the atmosphere, I'm just wrestling with some issues right now, and attending more out of obligation - because I think that church is important to the life of the believer than because I really want to be there, or because I receive from God when I attend.

And, the people who I consistently meet God with - well, a couple of them are out of town right now, and the others are considering or have already decided to move on from our church. And I'm struggling with that right now, because, well, I abhore change mostly, and I wonder if I'll see them as often, how our relationship will change as they make these decisions. And my temptation is to cling tightly to them, to be moody and childish about it, because these are the first true friends I've had in a very long time. And I find myself thinking about following them to wherever they end up. And then I criticize myself for failing to think independently - for being reliant and childish. I don't want to become a church-hopper. I know myself well enough to know that I would never find good relationships that way - it takes me time to build friendships. But, can time at a specific church be seasonal? Could it be that I need to reconsider my decision to stay? That I'm staying simply to avoid the discomfort of trying a new place - trying to figure out the rythyms and beliefs of a whole new set of people? And why am I thinking these things now - two years in, when I've finally stopped being an anonymous attender - when I know people. Someone who I would have not expected to know my name greeted me by name on Sunday night, and that gave me such a warm and accepted feeling that I've missed since leaving the church I grew up in - the one where everyone knew my name and (seemingly) everything about me.

And I wonder, as I sit there on Sunday and Tuesday nights, how many others are feeling the same dissatisfaction I'm feeling? But I'm still hesitating to speak up, to share my concerns and frustrations, because as a ten year old pastor's kid, I was one of the victims of a nasty, political church split. And I still carry wounds from that time. I hate dissension in a church. I think everyone should be equally happy or unhappy. Basically, I tend to think that everyone should think exactly like me. I have all these nice words, from my pastor's kid experience, about choosing to speak up and address concerns with the appropriate people, and I'm too much of a coward to do it. I keep telling myself I'm going to wait for a while. But I've been sitting on concerns for quite a while.

Uggh... Jesus, I would love for you to meet me tonight at house church. Yes, I'm going out of obligation. I'm serving as a taxi for someone who needs that fellowship and wouldn't be able to go if I didn't drive. I'm tired and resentful, and I confess that to you. I am yours. I once again stand with open hands before you. My life, my decisions, everything that is me - I give that to You.