The Questions I Would Ask...

I don’t have a “mentor” figure in my life right now. At least not one in the same city as me – not one I can call up and ask if they’d like to have coffee. Not one where I can easily pick their brains. I’m blessed with fantastic friends, who are teaching me about the new things I have begun to walk into, but I find myself longing for someone a little further along the journey, someone who can answer questions, and give wisdom, and assure me that I haven’t gone insane!

If I had that mentor figure, these are the things I would ask right now (in no apparent order):

• Does this ever get easier? I mean, I’ve been consciously trying to pursue God’s calling on my life since November 1st. That’s just about 3 months now. Yes, I did it in fits and starts at various times over the years, but there’s something different this time, something I can’t quite put my finger on. And it’s difficult – I’ve lost sleep, I’ve changed plans dozens of times to respond to crises, I’ve been stretched beyond my limits and my wisdom more times than anyone could count, and I’m wondering if it get easier to hear God and follow that calling?
• How do I create boundaries in my relationship with the friend that God has called me to care for? How do you create boundaries in a relationship where it has taken months of around the clock availability for her to begin to believe that I care and won’t abandon her like so many others have? When the trust is that tenuous, how do I create space to protect my own heart and mind?
• How do I reconcile my very conservative church girl past with the charismatic experiences I’ve had over the past months – with the dreams, with seeing things, and hearing things? I didn’t even really believe these things existed a few months ago, and now they’re part of the reality of my life and story, and I just don’t quite know what to do with them. I don’t know how to take the person I always thought I was, and integrate her with the person I seem to be becoming.
• How do I know what is God, and what is me? How do I know when the words coming from my lips are his, or when it’s me? How do I know if that sense that I have something to speak – to add to a conversation is just my need to be noticed, or if it’s God prompting my heart.
• How do I handle the woundedness in my own life, while caring for others with far greater wounds? Because I’m hurting – and those wounds were a large part of what left me struggling with depression for the last several years. Where do I look for healing?
  How do I overcome the fear that has dogged my steps for so many years?
• Does it get easier to hear the voice of God?
• Can God use an introvert? Because the only charismatic people I seem to know are not introverts – they’re all outgoing, comfortable speaking and sharing what God has laid on their hearts.
• How do I know the specifics of what God is calling me to? Should I become a pastor, or a counsellor? How do I make that decision as I begin to check into options for further schooling?
• And last but not least… should I even bother looking for answers to some of these questions? Is my need to answer these things normal? Or should I just live with the mystery or some such “spiritual” description?