Integrating

I wrote a really great post this morning, about this topic, and then my computer betrayed me, and internet explorer had an error, and I lost it all. Nasty.

I woke up this morning with the realization that this has not been a good week for the integration of my spiritual life with the realities of day to day living. Some weeks that process seems to go quite smoothly - to flow naturally. This has not been one of those weeks. I've felt like I'm living in a million tiny spheres of life, and trying to protect each sphere from infringing on the others.

Lack of integration for me means avoidance. This week has been about avoidance. I wanted to avoid the anger at my friend's decision to endanger her life by getting in a car driven by a drunk driver. I wanted to avoid the grief of knowing a beautiful three year old named Rachel died of malaria unexpectedly. I wanted to avoid the fear of cutbacks surrounding my work situation. I wanted to avoid my own exhaustion and frustration with a number of situations in my personal life.

Because if I avoided the anger, then I didn't have to make a decision on the next step to take in caring for my friend. I didn't have to face the fact that I am living out the calling of God on my life, and it seems to make very little difference in the life of the person He has called me to care for. If I avoided the grief, then I didn't have to think about the thousands of children who die every day from starvation, lack of clean water and so on. I didn't have to think about how huge an issue it is, and how futile the tiny little steps I have taken seemed to be. If I avoided the fear, I didn't have to make decisions about my job. If I avoided the exhaustion and frustration I didn't have to admit how messy my life has become again.

And so, I have purposely avoided integrating the various aspects of life. And it has left me more tired and frustrated, not less. And I woke with the realization this morning that this strategy was not only not working, it was not true to the commitments I've made to set my life before God with open hands, to serve with open hands, to allow Him to work in whatever way He chooses.

I woke with the following lyric by Heather Clark running through my head, softly, like a breathy reminder of the presence of the God I have tried to avoid this week, and particularly the lines that I have made bold played over - an invitation to God, asking Him to bring restoration.

I have come to greet the King
I’ve come to give myself in total abandonment
I’ve come to lay down all that holds me back from You
I’ve come to lay down all that holds You back from me
So come in come in
King of Glory
Come in come in
We welcome You this day
Come in come in
King of Glory
Come in come in
We welcome You this day