Incognito

My thoughts have gone underground.

There were some days this week where everything was on the surface. Every wound in my own life, every crisis in the life of my friend, and I honestly thought that I wouldn't survive. I camped out at the house of some friend's for the afternoon on one of those days, and as we chatted at the door while I was leaving, the tears of anger and frustration surfaced, and I started playing the "if only" game. "If only I was only facing my own wounds, I'd be okay," or, conversely "if only I was only dealing with her crises, I'd be okay." The combination became, in that moment so overwhelming that I was sure I wouldn't last another day. I was tired, and drained, and wasn't sure I could even face another 24 hour chunk of time.

My friend handled it wisely, drew me back into her home, sat me at the kitchen table, and informed me that we needed to pray. My only was response was that I was prayed out - I had cried out over and over again to God, particularly about the crises I was handling, and I just couldn't do it. So she prayed. Nothing earthshaking, but there's something about someone praying audibly for you that is calming. That calming gave me the strength to head back out her door, to drive myself home, and to engage in completely mindless, relaxing activities for the evening. I even slept better that night than I had in recent days.

The next day, I went back to work, and my emotions have gone underground. I did, however, wake up with the confidence and peace that I could be "on call" for the next 24 hours - that I could face my wounds and not allow them to control me for the next 24 hours. Yes, I am still extremely tired, but out of necessity, the 24/7 focus of my day cannot be either my wounds or my friend's crises. If I'm not paying attention to what I'm doing at work, it's not a good thing. And a gloomy bridal consultant isn't really a good thing for the customers either!

My tendency is to only write when the emotions are on the surface and refuse to be ignored. That happens once or twice a week these days. The rest of the week I stuff them down so that I can make it through the day. It's probably not a healthy way of managing. So, I'm sitting here this morning, getting ready for work, and writing, just to acknowledge that the things I'm ignoring are still there. And that I'm really looking forward to having my entire support network back in Calgary at the end of the month - to not facing the load in quite so alone a manner.