Things I Never Thought I'd Say

So, I’m sitting in a car tonight, on the way home from a wedding, and listening to (and sometimes taking part in) a conversation about relationships between guys and girls. And then, we switch cars, but I’m alone now with one of the people from the first car, and she’s still talking about this conversation, frustrated by it’s lack of resolution, and so finally, I just get fed up, and I start talking. And I’m sitting there, and as I’m talking, I’m thinking, “I never thought that would come out of my mouth.”

We were talking about being single versus being part of a couple. And so I started there. I’m happy (most of the time) being single. I feel like I’m in such a good place at the moment. I’m 22 years old, I’ve never dated, and never been kissed, and I’m okay with that. I’m so not in a hurry for these things. There are so many things I want to do that marriage would make harder. I’m open to the possibility of a relationship, but it needs to be a natural thing. (Note, this did not really surprise me when I said it. I’ve been okay being single for quite some time.)

But then, I moved on.

I looked at my friend (who is, like me, a control freak) and commented, “You know, if you’d asked me two years ago what my life would look like today, this is not what I would have described.” I started university four years ago, and I KNEW what I was going to do with my life. Today, I’m seventeen days from graduating, and I have no idea what I’m going to do with my life. Starting December 21st, for the first time in 17 years, I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do with major portions of my life for the next year. Yeah, I still like to make plans, but I’m okay with spur of the moment, or even with last minute changes.

The last month of my life has been insane. I can give you the specific date it changed. November 1, 2005. God stepped into my life on that day, and did some crazy things. He’s continued to do some crazy things. I’ve poured hours and hours into caring for friends in crisis this month. I’ve fought illness that’s been hanging around off-and-on since mid-October. I’ve written several term papers, midterms, and generally been extremely stressed by school. I’ve been overwhelmed by the areas of my life God has been touching. I’ve been delighted to realize that for the first time in my life I have a strong network of supportive, spiritually and emotionally healthy friends who care and pray as I step into crisis situation after crisis situation, and as God begins to open and heal my own wounds.

And here’s the funny part. I’ve always hated those classic “Christian” stories where someone describes some kind of intense period of their lives – usually a really painful time – and they get to the end of the story, and say, “I wouldn’t trade this time in my life, despite the pain, for anything in the world.” Something inside of my always went, “yeah right, you’re so not telling the whole truth.”

So, let me say it. I wouldn’t trade the last month of my life for anything on the planet. I mean it. It’s been absolutely INSANE, and I would not want it to have been anything different.

God is revealing Himself to me, and it’s blowing my mind. He is showing up in ways in my life that I would never have chosen for myself. He is touching old wounds, opening them and making them raw, and beginning to let me see healing. He is speaking even in the moments I have trouble distinguishing his voice. He is calling me to serve Him with my life and breath. He has handed me situations I never thought I’d deal with, and giving me the grace to walk friends through them. He has provided me with friends who are encouraging me on the journey, who are supporting me, praying for and with me, hearing God on my behalf. He is working. I have a sense of hope that was absent for the past years.

And here’s the thing. The most dangerous prayer I have ever prayed is, “God, my life is open to You. Do whatever You desire, use me if you want, and I don’t care how it looks.” That’s not an easy thing for a self-admitted control freak to pray. But, since that crazy day just over a month ago, it is the prayer I breath nightly as I fall asleep. It is the prayer on my lips as I ride transit every day, as I go to a job that can be less than exciting some days, as I pick up a crisis phone call. And it is the deep cry of my heart. I long to know Him intimately, to be sold out for Him, to know and understand His heart for me.

I have no idea where the next year is going to take me, but I’m excited. I sense His call on my life, and somehow, I know that something changed that day last month. I know that I will never be the same person I used to be. And I’m terrified, and ecstatic, and apprehensive, and overwhelmed, and I can’t wait for what’s coming next.