Under the surface

I've been working for a couple weeks now to pretend like life is smooth. And in some ways it has been.

Like the surface of the sea has calmed for a while, but underneath, underneath is a roiling mess.

I managed to keep it mostly underneath. Until tonight.

Now it's all over the place, and I'm sitting here sobbing. My heart hurts. And there is quite literally no human that I'm aware of to whom I can turn.

The cost in relationships this last year has been high. And the few deep friends I have left are far away. At the moment even some of those relationships feel a bit tenuous in the midst of the spiritual storm that I seem to have been unceasingly caught in over this last year. (And that tenuous nature makes me scared, and increasingly, angry at the things causing it.)

My thoughts last night about blessing looking different than expected are ones I've pondered often.

I'll come right out and say that I'm asking a lot of questions of God about blessing. I've been taught (and believe scripture teaches) that obedience brings blessing. I was involved with some things last year that I believed then, and still believe, that God very specifically called me to. But the cost of those has been high, and has played out in every realm of my life, and still seems to be increasing. And I've found myself wondering where the blessing that was promised in the midst of obedience is. And if it will ever come.

Headline...

Another car crash where there is an indirect connection for me to the victims...

Family Reeling Over Death of Four Near Medicine Hat

Go to the land I will give you (When blessing doesn't look like blessing)

As part of Lent this year, there are two little devotional books that I have been reading in addition to my usual nightly routine of Scripture, prayer and a guided journal that was a gift from a dear friend.

Tonight, both of those booklets caught deeply at my heart, challenging and pulling at me in the midst of a number of things I've been thinking about.

The first one is simply called "Places Along the Way" and explores in a scripture reading and short reflection various places - taking you on a Lenten journey if you will. Tonight's "stop" was Ur of the Chaldees. The place from which the Lord called Abraham out into the unknown. Into a journey of trust. "Go from your country to the land that I will show you." It always surprises me that Abraham went. I'd have been asking a lot of questions. "What land, Lord? What should I bring with me? Why there instead of here?" But Abraham packed everything up and headed out.

I've felt a bit like I've been journeying in the unknown this year. Certainly in the uncertain and unexpected. And trying to learn trust along the way. To really believe that Jesus doesn't have it in for me, and that he is holding and guiding and seeking to bless me in the midst of this.

That booklet closed with the following paragraph, which hit my heart deeply:

"We go out today and tomorrow not knowing where the steps will take us. We will be tempted to become attached to the wrong places and things. We are likely to put our minds on cities without foundations, built by humans who are destined to be dust. But the Christ of promise gives us the vision and confidence to walk in faith, with eyes fixed on the permanent."

The second book is simply titled "Journeying Through Lent with Luke," and tonight's passage looked at the first two beatitudes as Luke presents them: "God blesses you who are poor, for the Kingdom of God is yours. God blesses you who are hungry now, for you will be satisfied. God blesses you who weep now, for in due time you will laugh." (Luke 6:20-21 NLT)

Again, this has been a year where I've asked big questions about the blessings of God, and so the words of the author of this little Lenten book caught at me tonight. She writes:

"Being comfortable and carefree is not what matters most in life. To be blessed is to receive God's favor, to trust God's promises, and to live in God's presence - even in the most unhappy times... Jesus' teachings turn natural expectations inside out. In Luke 6, he teaches that even the most painful situations, such as grief and poverty, may be occasions for blessing... The people most likely to be shunned and avoided are the very people to whom Jesus promises God's blessing. And the situations people most want to avoid are the very situations in which God may bless them... The comfort of the Holy Spirit is now, in the present moment, today."

huh.

If you'd been privy to the more personal things I've been thinking about the last few weeks, or even an ongoing conversation I've been having with God (and sometimes with a dear friend), you'd probably be laughing at me right now, or smiling at the way Jesus has once again chosen to make a point.

And so, I'm off to talk with Jesus again about trusting him with the journey I'm on and trusting specifically that he is indeed offering blessing. Even in the midst of some pretty gross things.

Just the Facts...

It has been a more pleasant Monday afternoon than normal, thanks to the half-day absence of a coworker who can be a bit controlling and difficult to get along with.

I feel slightly guilty for having a better Monday afternoon solely due to the absence of the aforementioned difficult coworker.

I am usually sunlight deprived while at the office.

I am not sunlight deprived today.

Both of the coworkers who have offices near our reception station keep the blinds to their windows fully closed nearly all the time.

When the aforementioned coworker is out of the office, I have my boss’ permission to open the blinds in that office.

This is why I’m not sunlight deprived today.

I am wearing a new top today.

It’s flowing and silvery, with lace detailing.

The lace forms a beautiful silver butterfly across my neckline.

I am also wearing high heels.

I love the way I feel in high heels.

I am going out for dinner tonight with a friend I met in high school.

She and I share a rather sarcastic sense of humor, and our times together are always filled with laughter.

Then I’m going home.

To read.

And think.

And write.

And pray.

And rest.

Trains in the News Again

Two headlines about trains in the Alberta news today:

Train Kills Canmore Woman

Alberta Man Dies After Being Struck by Train