One of Those Days

This has been one of those days.

Where everything hits you in ways that you didn't expect.

Where everything is connected to something.

(You might say "everything is spiritual" - or at least my friend Shelley might say that!)

I've got a couple of long thought posts brewing in my brain. Coming soon.

Later.

Lenten Resolutions

I almost quit my job yesterday. My second day back was that bad. Thankfully today went slightly more smoothly.

I came home from my trip with the realization that what had been stripped from me over the course of five weeks, and magnified as Lent began, was the ability to disengage, to hide from the painful things, or to avoid them. These days, when I employ avoidance tactics, all I can think about is how I'm avoiding something.

I'm thinking the Lenten season could be LONG this year.

My Lenten resolution this year? To take care of myself for a change.

I am often guilty of pouring myself out for others, putting them well before my own needs. (Not that this is bad.)

I've just come from a really intense trip, and I find myself walking personally through some very intense things. For a little while I need to take care of me. I need to make decisions to do things that are life-giving for me. I need to do things that are not done out of pure obligation.

I'm going to make choices that are caring for myself for a little while. To try and set some new habits - ones that will serve me well long term. I'm going to eat more conciously, instead of grabbing whatever is handy. I'm going to try and exercise a bit more regularly. I'm going to spend time daily writing in my journal.

For just a while I'm going to take care of me, and it feels really selfish to say it, but I think it's necessary.

True Intimacy - Henri Nouwen

I received another very challenging email from Henri Nouwen this morning... speaks to some things I've been thinking about lately...

True Intimacy

Human relationships easily become possessive. Our hearts so much desire to be loved that we are inclined to cling to the person who offers us love, affection, friendship, care, or support. Once we have seen or felt a hint of love, we want more of it. That explains why lovers so often bicker with each other. Lovers' quarrels are quarrels between people who want more of each other than they are able or willing to give.

It is very hard for love not to become possessive because our hearts look for perfect love and no human being is capable of that. Only God can offer perfect love. Therefore, the art of loving includes the art of giving one another space. When we invade one another's space and do not allow the other to be his or her own free person, we cause great suffering in our relationships. But when we give another space to move and share our gifts, true intimacy becomes possible.

Tears

Came across this "cartoon" today. Thought it was beautiful. Loved his title, too. "No Words."

Discombobulated

I’m feeling sort of discombobulated today.

Could be the five(ish) hours of sleep I got last night, or the dream I had before waking. Could be any number of things.

I’m missing the button on my pants. It came off as I was getting dressed. I have it in my pocket, since I didn’t have time to sew it back on. I’m not even sure I own a needle and appropriately colored thread at this point. I put a belt on instead. Hiding the way the waistband of my pants gaps, and effectively keeping my pants up.

I was just in the bathroom here at the office, and a glance in the mirror reminded me that I am also missing a set of earrings. I have two piercings in each ear lobe. Yesterday I wore funky dangly earrings to work instead of the basic gold posts I wear probably 85% of the time. I never put my posts back in when I got home last night, and today, I am earringless – which only matters when you consider that I have posts in my top piercing, but not my bottom one.

I’m making mental lists. Things I need to do today. Things at work that need to be done today. Things at work that need to be done this week. Things that need to be done at home, but not necessarily today. Emails I need to write. Journal thoughts that need to be recorded. I’m mentally working through the lists – almost to the point of putting them on paper – working to sort and prioritize and figure out what needs to be done when. I’m out of practice at sorting and prioritizing, and it’s taking a lot of mental energy.

Coming back to the office after five weeks away is a bit of a challenge. New people, some gone. A mess on my desk because apparently my replacement did a less than stellar job of filling my job.

There was one day in Rome where I spent the whole day fighting a mental and spiritual battle. Wandering through a beautiful place, with dear friends, and only half-way engaged with what I was seeing and doing. It was an old battle, one I’ve fought before, and one I expect to fight again.

I’m feeling a little of that battle today. And it’s making me discombobulated.