Restored Perspective?

I am generally experiencing a sense of relief at the moment.

While I am still concerned, and wrestling with a number of the issues I mentioned in yesterday's post, I am feeling a sense of renewal, and (perhaps the best word would be) eased perspective.

Church today was not a complete washout. I had the chance to chat with some of the girls, to simply giggle inappropriately at all the wrong moments with them, and to enjoy their company. I sat with a number of them during church.

I came home and took a nap on the couch while watching curling on television with my dad (does it make me weirdly Canadian that I actually ENJOY watching curling?).

We had a meeting with the youth leadership team tonight. It consists of the pastor and I, and three kids from the group in whom we've identified leadership potential, and already existing roles of leadership within the group of young people that we work with. Together, the five of us plan the events, and evaluate the things we do as a group. It helped me to hear their perspective. They saw things quite differently from me in some ways, and it helped me to see the positives of the group of young people we work with through their eyes. It helped me to hear the things they're excited about, and the ideas they presented for ways we could better meet needs.

I feel a bit relieved.

It's not even 8:00pm. and I'm already wearing my pyjamas. This is indicative of the level of exhaustion I've been feeling lately. Tomorrow is another day of Lenten fasting for me, and back to the extreme busyness of my job these days. So, for the rest of the evening, my plan is to hide out, to watch some TV, maybe do a little reading, send a couple of emails, maybe do some crocheting, and just generally breathe and relax, and prepare my mind and heart for the week to come.

Where I'm at...

It has been an interesting sort of week, one that in reality is the culmination of a couple of months worth of things. I’ve spent a chunk of the day trying to figure out in my mind how to sum it up. I spent an hour sitting with my computer in my lap this afternoon, writing – ranting really – about the state of my life just presently. And I’m sitting here now, getting ready to clean and condense those rants into something I can put here, to frame them thoughtfully, and hopefully truthfully. So, I’m sitting here with only the light of the computer screen, and the three candles I’ve taken to lighting lately when I want to do some thinking and meditating. I’m intensely aware of my surroundings, of the noise of someone attempting a skateboard trick over and over in the parking lot across the street, of the reflections of the light from my screen onto my glasses, of the dampness of the hair at the base of my neck, because I’ve just come from laying in a hot bath to read, of the heat generated by the computer warming my thighs as it rests on my lap.

Here’s the best I can do: I’m really struggling right now. I’m feeling somewhat over my head, somewhat discouraged, somewhat angry, and just plain exhausted. And I’m tired of feeling all of these things, and I wish I could avoid them entirely, but they continue to make themselves known quite regularly.

I’m wrestling, this week in particular with some church related things. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you’ll know that I made a major church switch last fall, from a church that had been my home and family for nearly three years, to the church in which I grew up, the church my dad pastors. There were lots of reasons for the switch, it was a long, complex and deeply painful decision making process, and I felt nothing but relief when it finally came to a close.

I’m not feeling that relief any more. I was always hesitant about returning to my dad’s church. It had been the source of many wounds and sore spots over the years, but, after many hours of prayer and seeking the guidance of God, and many long conversations with those I trust as friends and advisors, I went ahead.

It has been very hard. I have spent much of my life looking for a place to belong, for a sense of acceptance and community. That existed in some small extent in my previous church. It doesn’t in my dad’s church. I am volunteering with the youth, and rediscovering how different my personality is from your standard youth leader. I hate the surface things, and I hate youth events. I’ve always hated youth events – especially as a teenager. I tolerated them then, because my youth leader made a point to drive me home last, and we usually got twenty minutes or so of meaningful conversation in at the end of the night. When I was a teenager, I worked to enjoy those sorts of things, the crazy skits, the loud games, the boisterous group conversations, because I thought I was abnormal for hating them. Then, I went to university, found out that I wasn’t alone, or even abnormal, and came into my own skin a little. I vowed never to find myself pushed into those sorts of situations again – and then I became a youth leader.

I’m working to model the level of caring and relationship that so impacted me for the girls I am caring for, but it doesn’t seem to be going well. These girls actually LIKE the crazy games, and events. They’re “cool” in a way that I never was and will never actually attain. And I wonder sometimes if I will (am) actually make a difference in their lives.

The trickiest bit is that the deep longing of my heart for many years now has been to find a community of believers in which their existed a solid structure of spiritual friends, and especially of spiritual parents. I long to live in community with people who share the deep desires of my heart to seek after God, to live a life of prayer, from which stems justice and mission, to seek the voice of God, and live in obedience to what He asks. I haven’t found that. I haven’t even made friends. I am the only person attending the church in my peer group, and many of my closest friends from other places, who would fit this bill live in other cities, or are simply busy with the stuff of life. I feel at times that I am walking this journey quite alone, and I wonder if that will ever change.

And then, there is the whole issue of direction for the future. It seems that at the times in my life when I knew that Calgary was the place I was supposed to be, when I was completely settled, and unable, or no supposed to transition, there were always exciting options available. Now, as I am seeking God’s direction for the next season of my life, as I am completely convinced that it is time to make a transition, that He is calling me outwards, He is depressingly silent as to the actual direction. Doors that had been open have been closed, and things that had seemed to be imminent possibilities suddenly seem very far off.

And, that, my friends is the update. I’m actually doing okay. I’m a bit lonely, a bit frustrated, but I believe strongly that something incredible is coming. I guess I’m just getting a bit tired of waiting, and in a week when I am forced to confront more than one distressing reality at once, I get pretty tired, pretty angry, pretty frustrated with God and with humanity too.

One of those weeks

This has been one of "those" fabled weeks. Seems like all sorts of things have gone haywire, the stress has piled right on, and generally I've been hit by all kinds of personal struggles as well.

I think I'm glad it's Friday afternoon. Not too much of the day left, then two whole days to forget about work and just vegetate at home for a while!

I've also been sort of sick. Not sure exactly what's going on, but while a semi-positive attitude has held up fairly well under the stress, my body hasn't done quite as well. I took a half-day sick day yesterday, left work at noon, and went home, and laid in bed for the rest of the afternoon. (Seems I don't sleep in the afternoon these days either.)

Seriously, if you know any good sleep remedies, let me know. I woke up five times last night between 3:20 and 6:30 when I finally had to get up. The only saving grace was that I actually slept solidly for about 4 hours before the waking up started. The whole insomnia thing has never been that uncommon for me, but this stretch (2 and a half months now) may be the longest I've ever experience without sleeping properly through the night. Some nights as I fall asleep, I literally beg God to let me sleep a whole 5 or 6 straight hours. Seems crazy, even to me!

And with that, I'm back to work. There's mail to sort, and things to do!

A longer, more "meaningful" post coming tonight or sometime over the course of the weekend, I promise. I've been doing lots of thinking this week, I just need to find the time to process it all enough to write it down.

filling time

It hit home for me today how much I have always used novels to hide from the messier or more stressful realities of daily life. As I was taking the train home, I was contemplating how much I'd like to curl up in a hot bath and read the evening away. And then I realized that I don't even have any novels around, because I've given them up for Lent, along with a weekly bout of fasting.

So, tonight I made a trip to the craft store. I've taken up crocheting, and I'm making a scarf just presently. Something to do with my hands while I watch a bit of TV, listen to music, or a sermon.

I like the feeling of creating, of watching something appear where there wasn't anything, of making something beautiful and practical.

I miss the novels, particularly after a day like today, which was full of stress, and created a knot of tension that took quite a lot of crocheting (and a liberal dose of chocolate) to loosen.

But this might be a good alternative... we'll have to see.

Tired Brain and an Ethical Dilemma

My youngest brother and my dad and I sat around our dinner table for nearly two hours after we finished eating tonight. We got involved in a wildly ranging theological, ethical and moral discussion that started with the topic of tongues, but quickly (though I'm not sure how) moved to a discussion of ethics, stemming from the following question, with the included presuppositions. Let me know what you think. I should, theoretically be able to tell you all about the ethics of it, but to be honest I'm not entirely certain I followed our conversation, which travelled in quite a number of circles before coming to a conclusion. (We did however, wander our way through an illustration of all of the events of world history as a five act Shakesperean play, with the five fingers on a hand as a visual... I found it very helpful in terms of some big picture stuff!)

So, here's the question: If someone you know was going to have an abortion (and, assuming that you oppose abortion, you've made your position very clear to them, but they're still going to have the abortion), and if you don't accompany this person, they'll be alone, would you drive her? And why?