Right at this moment I should be preparing a Bible study. I have to teach one to a bunch of senior high and university girls tomorrow morning, and at this moment, with about 12 hours to go (hopefully some of those spent sleeping!) I have no earthly idea what we're going to talk about. We're supposed to be working our way through the Gospel of Mark, or at least that was my original plan, but I'm feeling somewhat uninspired about that plan just presently.
I'm finding it a rather immense challenge to lead a study for this group of girls. I never know who's coming from one week to the next, whether I'll have one girl, or three, or more (though I've never had more). The girls who had been regular attenders to this point can't make it tomorrow for an assortment of reasons, so it'll be a completely new bunch, with only one confirmed to be attending so far. Sometimes I wonder if we jumped into the whole study thing too soon? The youth pastor I'm working with was keen to get something started for the girls (he had the guys angle covered) but I have to wonder at times if it wasn't just that he wanted something to be happening for girls too? We may have rushed it a bit. I don't have huge levels of relationship or trust with most of the girls yet (though I do with some of the guys - mostly because I watched them grow up, while the girls are all new to the church). I'm just not entirely sure that this study is producing anything worthwhile, and that we shouldn't simply be organizing times of getting to know each other better, having coffees, shopping, and doing the things girls do together that still allow for great conversation, but take the pressure off...
Hard to say...
Well, now that I've lit candles around my room (maybe atmosphere is good for inspiration?) and procrastinated by writing a blog post, I suppose I better go do some praying, and see what I can come up with.
Is it really bad that I'm kind of hoping only one girl will show up, and then we can scrap the study entirely in favor of heading to a coffee shop to spend some time getting to know each other a bit better?
Friday, March 09, 2007
Thursday, March 08, 2007
An Affinity for a Dreaming King
I just came home from the final gathering of a Bible study that I've been a part of off and on since September. It's been taught by a brilliant teacher (though the group was entirely awkward) and we've been doing a basic survey of the Old Testament.
We worked our way through part of Daniel tonight, reading chronologically, rather than in the order the chapters are laid out.
I feel a definite affinity and sense of empathy for King Nebuchadnezzar and all his troubles with dreams. I laughed internally as we read of his fury at his advisors - "Tell me my dream and what it means, I'm greatly disturbed." Boy, do I know that feeling! There have been so many mornings over the course of my life and particularly lately where I come awake, and know I've been dreaming, for it has left a sense of disturbance, and even fear at times in my emotions, but I have no idea why. I'd love to have someone who could tell me what I dreamed and what it meant. And then he dreams again, and this time he can remember the dream, and repeat it, but still can't quite figure it out. Been there, done that. (Just ask the friends who regularly get emails from me asking if they have any insight into this dream or that dream!) I understand this guy, who suddenly finds himself blindsided in his sleep by God, and can't quite figure out what to do with it.
Did you know that I haven't slept through the night (more than 4 or very occasionally 5 straight hours) in at least two months now? I don't dream every night - but I do dream most nights. I don't retain most of the dreams, just the damage they do to my emotional and spiritual equilibrium. The ones I do retain, I rarely seem to understand. I'm thrilled that God is speaking. (But I really would like to sleep at least a couple times a week.) Often I wake to voices, though I rarely retain the words, strong pictures, things repeating over and over again as I toss and turn through the night, but not ingraining themselves strongly enough that I can remember and respond when I wake.
Like I said, I feel a certain empathy for this Babylonian king who was ambushed by God Most High while he slept.
We worked our way through part of Daniel tonight, reading chronologically, rather than in the order the chapters are laid out.
I feel a definite affinity and sense of empathy for King Nebuchadnezzar and all his troubles with dreams. I laughed internally as we read of his fury at his advisors - "Tell me my dream and what it means, I'm greatly disturbed." Boy, do I know that feeling! There have been so many mornings over the course of my life and particularly lately where I come awake, and know I've been dreaming, for it has left a sense of disturbance, and even fear at times in my emotions, but I have no idea why. I'd love to have someone who could tell me what I dreamed and what it meant. And then he dreams again, and this time he can remember the dream, and repeat it, but still can't quite figure it out. Been there, done that. (Just ask the friends who regularly get emails from me asking if they have any insight into this dream or that dream!) I understand this guy, who suddenly finds himself blindsided in his sleep by God, and can't quite figure out what to do with it.
Did you know that I haven't slept through the night (more than 4 or very occasionally 5 straight hours) in at least two months now? I don't dream every night - but I do dream most nights. I don't retain most of the dreams, just the damage they do to my emotional and spiritual equilibrium. The ones I do retain, I rarely seem to understand. I'm thrilled that God is speaking. (But I really would like to sleep at least a couple times a week.) Often I wake to voices, though I rarely retain the words, strong pictures, things repeating over and over again as I toss and turn through the night, but not ingraining themselves strongly enough that I can remember and respond when I wake.
Like I said, I feel a certain empathy for this Babylonian king who was ambushed by God Most High while he slept.
Pants!
Okay, so this may be the least profound post ever, but I just wanted to let you all know that I bought a pair of pants last night. This may seem very ordinary, but I seem to be in between sizes at the moment, and have been having great difficulty locating a pair of pants that fits properly (and I rather desperately needed pants - can't keep wearing the same two pairs in rotation to work for weeks on end!).
Now all I have to do is shorten them by six inches or so (blast the fact that girls pants don't come in lengths like guys do), and then I'll be happily wearing them around town!
Now all I have to do is shorten them by six inches or so (blast the fact that girls pants don't come in lengths like guys do), and then I'll be happily wearing them around town!
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Lent, two weeks in
I realized tonight that I am enjoying this season of Lent, that it is doing things in my heart yet again, that God is working, even where I didn't expect him.
I'm fasting once a week, and I've stopped reading fiction for the course of this season. Both things that I felt God was asking me to do without for a while, in order to more fully listen to his voice. Both food and novels are ways I hide from the world, and often from the more painful realities in my own life, and the painful things God is doing.
Here's the thing, while the fasting isn't that easy, and I can't quite figure out what to do with my time now that I'm not reading two or three novels a week, I feel certain things shifting in me. I feel parts of me coming alive again, in ways they haven't been alive for a quite a while now. I am listening more, instead of filling the space in my head with false realities. I am hearing God, and voices of people I trust. I'm checking out sermons, reading works of theology and biography, and watching things that challenge me. I am feeling inspired to create again, and to write. I haven't particularly wanted to write this last while - not the blogging sort of writing, but essay writing, and working on a book project I started last fall. I want to create beauty again, rather than just enjoy other's creations from a distance.
Today, as I took the train to work, I was writing in the journal that has rapidly become my c-train book (it's smaller than my other journal, more portable, and pretty - orange silk with a cool decoration - a gift from a friend's trip to China last year). As I was writing, I began to reflect on the various things I'd learned in four weeks of fasting on Mondays. I'm not going to share those things here, yet, and maybe never, but as I wrote I came to the conclusion that even if God does not provide the clarity and direction I'm seeking over the course of this fast, I won't regret it. I value the things I am learning about myself, about God, and about my relationship with God.
Sometime in the next few days I'm going to post some "Jesus stories" here. The latest discussion topic on Marty's blog has got me thinking, and I definitely have some stories to tell - some I'll tell there, some I'll tell here.
See you then!
I'm fasting once a week, and I've stopped reading fiction for the course of this season. Both things that I felt God was asking me to do without for a while, in order to more fully listen to his voice. Both food and novels are ways I hide from the world, and often from the more painful realities in my own life, and the painful things God is doing.
Here's the thing, while the fasting isn't that easy, and I can't quite figure out what to do with my time now that I'm not reading two or three novels a week, I feel certain things shifting in me. I feel parts of me coming alive again, in ways they haven't been alive for a quite a while now. I am listening more, instead of filling the space in my head with false realities. I am hearing God, and voices of people I trust. I'm checking out sermons, reading works of theology and biography, and watching things that challenge me. I am feeling inspired to create again, and to write. I haven't particularly wanted to write this last while - not the blogging sort of writing, but essay writing, and working on a book project I started last fall. I want to create beauty again, rather than just enjoy other's creations from a distance.
Today, as I took the train to work, I was writing in the journal that has rapidly become my c-train book (it's smaller than my other journal, more portable, and pretty - orange silk with a cool decoration - a gift from a friend's trip to China last year). As I was writing, I began to reflect on the various things I'd learned in four weeks of fasting on Mondays. I'm not going to share those things here, yet, and maybe never, but as I wrote I came to the conclusion that even if God does not provide the clarity and direction I'm seeking over the course of this fast, I won't regret it. I value the things I am learning about myself, about God, and about my relationship with God.
Sometime in the next few days I'm going to post some "Jesus stories" here. The latest discussion topic on Marty's blog has got me thinking, and I definitely have some stories to tell - some I'll tell there, some I'll tell here.
See you then!
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