Provision and sleeplessness

I am a pastor's kid. My dad does not pastor a mega-church, and he's not a best-selling author or radio preacher. That means that I grew up in a home where finances were always tight.

But the thing is, I learned early on about Jehovah Jireh - God the provider. My parents were always clear when unexpected money showed up at just the right time, or when an unexpected gift allowed us to do something special that it was God's way of taking care of us, of treating us, of making sure we were provided for.

I have seen it dozens of times, and I always forget it. It didn't even occur to me in all my blustery financial stress last week that God would provide above and beyond my expectations for this trip to Mexico. But He did. First, my glasses were repairable - for only $100. My frame is three years old, but by some miracle they hadn't been discontinued, and I was able to replace only the broken piece.

Then, a variety of people I never expected to offer their financial support gave me money or let me know that they would be giving me money. Some of them were people I hadn't even thought or intended to ask to pray, never mind contribute financially. And God has provided above and beyond what I could have asked or expected. And I was amazed, because I had forgotten yet again that the God I serve, the God who asked me to travel to Mexico, would also provide the means for me to obey.

Which brings me to the sleeplessness. I haven't slept well at all the last couple nights. If you read this blog at all, you know that really isn't that unusual. The thing is, I'm battling anxiety attacks -unexplained fears. That is not normal in my own bed. I had anticipated that this would be a challenge when I travelled - it always is, and I was taking steps to be prepared to ward off the fear while we were travelling. But it has arrived early. Today was very unsettled because of the uncomfortable and undefined fear from which I awoke this morning. Please pray for my sleep over the remaining week until I depart. Pray too for my sleep while we're gone. The thing is, I believe God has called me to this trip, and I'm working to trust him with my whole self - and with my rest. So, I'm asking you to pray for and with me in this.

One week from tonight I will be on a church floor somewhere in Billings, Montana, attempting to sleep. I am excited to make this trip, but very apprehensive as well. Your prayers are coveted.

Looking for wisdom

I’m looking for someone who has walked this way before. Someone with age and the wisdom borne of long years of experience – of trying and failing, of getting back up and trying again.

I’m young and inexperienced. Five months ago some things in my life shifted in a major way, and I’m trying to negotiate this new journey with God. I am desperate to know Him in a deeper way. To learn to recognize His voice and presence. To understand what it means that I’ve encountered the Living Spirit of God and that my life has been totally altered by the encounter.

I am looking to be taught, to be pulled along this journey by someone with experience. And I haven’t found that person. I’m looking for someone radically in love with God. I’m looking for wisdom and encouragement. For someone who will tell me that I haven’t gone crazy.

I want someone to explain this thing to me. To tell me in the moments when I’m completely exhausted from caring so deeply for those God has laid on my heart that I’m not insane for allowing my emotions to become involved.

I’m after someone who can explain spiritual warfare to me. Who can tell me how to recognize attack, and how to fight against it. Who can help me as I wade through the realities of the decidedly evil decisions made by some of those I am caring for. Who can answer questions about nightmares and sleeping difficulties. Who can teach me to combat with God’s help the instinctive fear that seems to control so very much of my life.

I would love for someone to walk through my own wounds with me. To help me identify areas of strength and areas of weakness. To teach me what it means to be emotionally and spiritually healthy.

I am looking for this. And I am afraid of it. I am afraid of my life being exposed. The idea that I am vulnerable to spiritual attack is new, and I struggle with fear already. I am very nearly afraid of beginning to wade into the realities of this new life I find myself living. It terrifies me. It pulls me beyond my much loved comfort zone. But I’m looking for it. Because life the way I used to live – life of hopelessness and depression is no way to live.

Airport Security

I just read this rather funny post on the Dilbert creator's blog... Made me laugh a little bit anyway.

I wish you could see...

I spent most of the afternoon working on an art/scrapbook/collage project that materialized in my head yesterday. It is a visual representation of the idea of beauty in the ashes that I have been so caught by this week. And there is a phoenix rising out of the flames. I'm really pleased with how it turned out. Especially since writing is usually my medium, and I rarely branch out into artistic stuff. I wish you could all see it. But, it's multi-dimensional and 12x12 so it won't really scan very well.

So, if you live in town, call me, or email me, or just come over and see it. (Or maybe I'll bring it with me to church on Sunday night.) If you're out of town, you're out of luck, unless you want to come visit me?

Things and People I Like

I've updated my links. Here are some of the hi-lights!

• Kari's Blog - a friend of mine - I quoted from her yesterday.
• Hope's Blog - I've been loving reading about Hope's journey - since I check it almost every day I thought you might like it too!
• Cameron Conant - I quoted him today. Always quite insightful.
• Kirk's Blog - Kirk preached at our church on Sunday night. I've been loving reading his thoughts over the last while, and have often been challenged by them.
• YS Marko - a youth ministry blog - which is funny, 'cause I'm not in youth ministry exactly, or even close to it really. But I do like the things he has to say, there is often funny stuff to read or comment on, and he tends to review some good books - which I have then read and enjoyed. It was also Marko's newest tattoo that refreshed the idea of the phoenix in my brain, and allowed for God to take the image and use it powerfully for me this week.

I think that's all I've added for now - there are a few more changes coming, but what's on that sidebar is now most of the blogs I read on a daily or semi-daily basis. I love the blogging world. Since my thoughts are so shaped by writing personally, I love that blogging lets me interact with like-minded (or not so like-minded) people all over the world, or even just here at home. Reading someone's writing adds a new dimension to knowing that person, and can provide a great jumping off point to start a conversation. Plus, I tend to be fairly introverted by nature - not shy necessarily, but not likely to initiate a lot of conversations. But, hey, if you know me - come up to me an invite me to chat. Or drop me an email at the address which I will add to my profile as soon as I post this. I'd love to engage, I'm just not so hot at initiating that engagement!