Riding in Cars...

Yes, it was a Drew Barrymore movie. Yes I stole at least part of the movie's title. But hey, it got your attention didn't it?

Titling is the worst part of writing for me. I can never come up with very creative titles. I usually titled my school papers along the lines of "A Review of...." or so on, because it was easier than trying to come up with a creative way to sum up my thesis in ten words or less. I think if I was an artist, all my works would be called things like "Untitled 1," "Untitled 2," "Man with Dog" and so on... But you can't really do that as a writer - your title is your hook - the line that draws the reader in and compells them to see what you have to say. And I mostly suck at titles... oh well... will you bear with me anyway?

So, anyway, back to what I actually wanted to talk about... Riding in cars. I have decided that God speaks to me most clearly when I in a vehicle. No. Seriously. I can name pretty much all of the significant God moments in the last several years of my life, and probably 90% of them have occurred while sitting in a vehicle. There's something about sitting (particularly in the dark) without having to make eye contact if you don't want, that lets you really share your life and thoughts. It's way easier to be vulnerable in that place. (Although I have had some significant God moments when I was alone in a vehicle as well....)

I sat in a car until 3:30 this morning, catching up on life with a friend, sharing and ultimately praying together. And it was fabulous. Worth every second. Yes, I regretted it a tiny little bit when I dragged myself to work this morning after four and a half hours of sleep, but more in the "my brain is not fully functional for my job" way than in the "that was a waste of my time what was I thinking way." Because I don't regret it. Because God was there again - as we shared the stuff that had happened in our lives in the month or so since we had last been together.

I actually have a bit of a reputation with my friends for car chats. (although chat might be too facetious a word!) I've heard them tell other people that if they need to have a serious conversation, they should have one of my "famous" car chats with me. I don't know. Maybe it's just the "counsellor" nature in me! Someone affirmed this week that I would actually be good at this counselling thing as a career. It was so encouraging to hear someone say that. Especially since I know that God is calling me to serve him in this sort of manner.

Whew! riding in cars... if you ever want to come with me and have a "car chat" let me know... I'd love it - particularly if you drive... but if I drive, I'll take you to my favorite thinking spot - where we can watch the lights of the city sparkle, watch planes land at the airport, talk, and speculate about the slightly "fogged" windows in some of the other cars. I promise to leave if our windows start to fog!

When you still don't have much to say...

use a bullet point list!

• My new copy of Matthew Paul Turner's The Christian Culture Survival Guide arrived yesterday. I loaned my original copy to someone, and then they disappeared, and I never got it back. So I ordered a new one. I love this book. If you have not read it, you must. I mean, you really should. Particularly if you've ever wondered if anyone else around you found this Christian thing just a little bit odd. Plus, it has lots of lists. Lists like, "Tell-tale signs you're about to encounter an 'old-fashioned' meeting with the altar," "Fifteen kinds of church people to look out for," "Eight ways to know if you might be worshipping your pastor," "Seven church cliches that need to go - NOW," "Five phrases highly offensive to many Christians," and my two personal favorites, "Seven Types of Guys (for girls to choose from) in Church Culture," and "Eight Types of Girls (for guys to choose from) in Church Culture." Plus, the book is not just all sarcastic amusement - it actually is encouraging. I know, because I've read it several times, and because, it happened to appear at our church Christmas party - where several friends who had also read it agreed with me, and where one of our pastors took great delight in reading a number of the above lists to whoever would sit on the couches where we were hanging out and listen to him. YOU MUST READ THIS BOOK!!!
• I'm almost financially stable again. For a few months anyway, until my student loans come due. It's amazing what three weeks of fulltime work will do.
• I have to go to the bottle depot for my mom today. I hate the bottle depot. It smells bad, and the people there are kind of scary, in that stereotypical way that makes you feel guilty for being slightly creeped out by them.
• I'm frustrated with one of my coworkers right now. She's scheduling me poorly, being less than flexible, and is entirely caught up in her own importance. I was handling a big order for some customers last night, was doing quite well on my own, and she inserted herself into the process. Irritating. Plus, she cut my hours for today, so I had no choice but to allow her to take care of a major portion of the prep work that I need to do before the customers come in to finalize their order with me this afternoon. And then she snaps at all of us because she has so much to do, and we don't really have anything to do because she took it all from us. ARGHH!
• Okay, well, now that I've vented a little, I'm off to the bottle depot, possibly to do some other errands, and then to work. Here's to hoping my friends come through and we're hanging out tonight or tomorrow night! I need a break from my house, a break from my family, a break from thinking about work, a break from crises, and a chance to just chill with my favorite people in the world!

What I've Been Up To

I noticed today as I was scanning some of the previous posts on my blog that I've been somewhat cryptic and circumspect over the last while.

A lot of that has had to do with the situations I've been dealing with. In order to protect the privacy of my friend, I've been unable to discuss the difficult things we've faced.

I also already mentioned that the situations in my friend's life, and the situations in my own life have driven me into an introspective, meditative, musing, muddled sort of state over the course of the month, that has not facilitated clear un-muddled writing.

With that said, here, in all its bullet-point glory is some of what I've been up to:

• I've done a LOT of reading. Nine or so books in fact. Not counting the two or three I'm currently reading. From the list, which is laying beside my computer on my desk, I recommend: Through the Narrow Gate by Karen Armstrong - a spiritual memoir about a woman who joins a catholic order, and eventually leaves, several years later. Messy Spirituality by Mike Yaconelli - I can't say enough good things about a book with the subtitle "God's Annoying Love for Imperfect People". Velma Still Cooks in Leeway by Vinita Hampton Wright - a beautiful, artistic, and deeply spiritual novel, without being trite or sappy.
• I've handled a lot of crises. Enough said.
• I've wrestled with family issues. Things with my parents. Areas of deep woundedness related to my family and upbringing.
• I've done a lot of desperate praying. I'm getting really good at the "help" type of prayers - for my own life and for others too.
• I'm learning to pray other things too. The single words like "hallelujah" and "immanuel" that I've mentioned here before. Brennan Manning's prayer, "Abba, I am Yours."
• I'm learning to listen a little more patiently for God. I'm still not hearing much, but I'm learning to pause and actually listen, not just fill every silence with words.
• I'm discovering a need to share my story. I have been blessed in the last few weeks a number of times by people who drew parts of the story of these crazy last months from me.

I think that's all I have to say for now. This is not everything. In fact, it's not even a snapshot in some ways. But I'm still feeling pretty introspective, I'm in the middle of a tense spot in a fairly enjoyable novel, I'm very tired, and I think I may heat up my "magic bag" and crawl into my cozy nook of a bed, and read, or journal, or possibly just sleep!

Cryptic Relief

I got some fantastic news in a two minute phone call tonight. An impending disaster, consequences of a crisis, has been averted, and I'm relieved.

I have spent much of this past week mentally preparing myself to face the expected circumstances, and I am so relieved that I will not have to do so. That it will not be required of the person in crisis to face this too.

Praise God for the little (or very big depending on your perspective) favors!

Introspection

In the last several weeks, I have become increasingly introspective. I have spent hours and hours alone - reading, writing, sitting at my computer, listening to books on CD, watching movies. And it's mostly been a good thing.

I have been lost in the challenges I am currently facing. Treading water and trying to stay afloat in the midst of things that threaten to overwhelm me most days. Sitting silently, mostly unwilling to share my own struggles. Needing time to come to grips with these things before I share them with others and ask for their support as I walk.

My friends have been busy, and the ones that tend to be our social conveners have been out of town since the end of December, so it has been easy to semi-isolate myself in this time.

I didn't realize how isolated I had become, until Sunday night. I already mentioned in my previous post that I had two fantastic and encouraging conversations. What didn't hit me until this morning was that the reason they were so encouraging was that my soul had been longing for the connection. That it is time to begin emerging from this self-created isolation.

This is not going to be easy. I still feel lost in my own thoughts. I don't want to be a grasping and needy person like some I know - the kind of person with whom you dread having a conversation because you feel their tentacles of need reaching out whenever you're in proximity, and then I cringe, because I know that I have nothing more of myself to pour out. I don't want people to feel like that with me.

I have learned this month to talk with Jesus even more regularly. I still don't hear Him all that well, but I am learning to rest in Him, I think. To hand Him those moments of crisis in my friend's life, to hand Him the pain in my own life.

But now, I am ready once again to be with friends. To have a social life. To participate in fun activities that won't require my every thought to be focused on the things that I am facing.

I am caught by the words from David Crowder Band that I quoted in a post a few months ago:

Come awake, from sleep arise
You were dead, become alive
Wake up, wake up, open your eyes
Climb from your grave into the light.
Bring us back to life.