Timely Words

I got my daily email from the Henri Nouwen society today. As usual, it had a snippet of Nouwen's writings. I received this one sometime shortly after I posted this morning, and was struck by how closely it applied to what I had written. So, here it is, for all of you to enjoy too.

Enough Light for the Next Step
Often we want to be able to see into the future. We say, "How will next year be for me? Where will I be five or ten years from now?" There are no answers to these questions. Mostly we have just enough light to see the next step: what we have to do in the coming hour or the following day. The art of living is to enjoy what we can see and not complain about what remains in the dark. When we are able to take the next step with the trust that we will have enough light for the step that follows, we can walk through life with joy and be surprised at how far we go. Let's rejoice in the little light we carry and not ask for the great beam that would take all shadows away.

Tiny Moments and Hallelujahs

I'm stuck on a theme of "tiny" at the moment. The tiny things I'm grateful for took up my last post. Today I'm thinking about doing life in "tiny moments."

I was sitting at church last night, and a friend popped over to chat with me. Around us, people were praying, but we were just catching up. What had been going on in our lives? What was God doing? Why was it a good/bad day? I like low key conversations like that. And Nolan asks good questions. Plus, he's a very intense listener, and that makes him a good conversational partner when you don't just want to make small talk.

So I was chatting with him, and sharing a little bit of my frustrations of the last week. How I've felt isolated in the middle of handling fairly major crises. How I'm tired because of the lack of sleep I've had the last while thanks to odd dreams and restless tossing and turning (usually induced by odd dreams).

And then I had one of those moments I usually only have when I'm writing. An "epiphany" type moment. Where I say something (or write it) and am then struck by the truth of it for that moment in my life. I heard myself say, "I'm breaking this into little moments. I can be on call 24/7 for today. And then tomorrow, I'll get up and I'll be able to do it again for that day." I talked about the fact that I tend to be a somewhat organized, control freak. I like to make my plans a week or two or more in advance. But right now, I could make plans for Thursday, and if a crisis came up, my plans would change. I have no choice but to exist primarily in the present moment.

The thing is, I'm pretty sure that God is calling me to some kind of formal ministry as a career. Not that I'm surprised, because we've been battling over that issue for years. But here's the deal, if I start thinking about the fact that the life I'm living in this moment could be a long term pattern for my life, I get overwhelmed. Fast. But, if I approach this in the tiny moment way that hit me last night, if I say "I can be on call for the next 24 hours," or "I can drop everything to care for you today," and then tomorrow, I get up and say the same thing, it's not quite so frightening. It's breaking a huge thing into tiny, manageable chunks, and I can do that. Yes, it requires me to surrender, to set aside my need to control my schedule, but I can do that for a day at a time. I'm still making longer-term plans, but I'm more willing to see them change if necessary.

It's been crazy, this season. Learning to focus on someone else. To let their needs come first. I have been learning over the past six or eight months what a selfish, inwardly focused person that I've become. The longer I was depressed, the more focused on myself and my own problems I became. And now, my time is consumed many days with someone else. Because she needs me right now. My thoughts and prayers are more often about her, and less often about railing at God for my depression, my hurts. And it has required tiny moments, because they are all that is certain.

And one last thing. I am continuing to learn "hallelujah". I am learning what it means to pray "glory to God" in the midst of some of the messiest situations I have ever encountered. The first time I heard God say to me "pray hallelujah" I just about fell over, because it seemed to be the least reasonable thing to pray for that situation. I actually asked a friend if I could possibly be hearing God correctly - only a single word, and it was "hallelujah"? But God kept saying it, and I am trying to be obedient. Last night at church, the chorus or bridge or something (can you tell I'm not a musician?) to one of the songs was simply the word "hallelujah". And my heart leapt. And I sat there and soaked. Because it was so true. "Glory to God."

Glory to God in the mess that is the life of my friend right now. Glory to God in the wounds that I am facing in these days. Glory to God in the changes I see in my life. Glory to God in the lives of the others I am lifting before Him. Glory to God in my frustrations with my family. Glory to God in the lives of my coworkers and friends. Glory to God in my writing. Glory to God in the decisions I need to make about my future. Glory to God in illness and in health. Glory to God in the tiny moments and in the long term plans. Hallelujah.

Tiny Things

I was inspired by this post that Sheri wrote, and thought I'd think for a minute or two and make my own list.

Tonight, I'm grateful for tiny things.

• For a warm bed to crawl into at the end of a long day at work.
• For a phone call that was less about crisis, and more about chatting.
• For the fact that my friend made a wise decision after our conversation this week when I was sure she wouldn't.
• For the quick lessons of reality that I've lived in the last couple of months.
• For a life that is not easy, but has vitality right now.
• For days when I can sleep in a little - and not have to wake from the bad dreams.
• For a good novel to curl up with.
• For friends who write interesting blog posts.
• For dried mango to eat.
• For a change in work schedule that means I won't have to work 10 straight days this month.
• For patience as I spent three hours dealing with a bridal couple at work today. (It should have taken just under an hour, but they were indecisive.)
• For a day that was busy at work, so the shift went quickly.
• For the song "Hallelujah" which my brother finally lent me the CD of. I've been looking for it ever since I read the article I mentioned here a while back. And then, God started teaching me to pray "hallelujah".
• For a family that loves me, even when we're battling over various issues.
• For the fact that my friend is choosing to allow people to see her vulnerability and accept help from some of us.
• For a moment when my friend wondered how I was doing - what was going on in my life, rather than sharing her latest crisis.
• For a level head, common sense, and an ability to chat aimlessly when necessary - all of which have been saving graces in crisis moments the last few weeks.
• For high speed internet that lets me indulge my need to blog, to read blogs, and to email.
• For a fantastic public library system that is feeding my reading obsession these days.
• For a relationship with God that seems to be growing, rather than stagnant.

Hi ho hi ho it's off to work I go...

Only I'm going to work this morning with decidedly less enthusiasm than the dwarfs!

Long night last night. I woke up over and over, and had quite a number of strange, blurry dreams that have again left me unsettled. I woke in a state of disarray - mentally, physically, emotionally, maybe even spiritually. Blah.

Of course, I went to bed frustrated, after a conversation with my parents, so that could account for at least part of how I woke up. Biting my tongue to keep from saying things that would have landed me in a great deal of hot water. Right now, we're not navigating the "I'm an adult and making my own decisions/You're still my child living under my roof" thing very well. I desperately need to either move out or buy a car and create some independence. We're battling over financial issues - which I happen to think is none of their business. I work for my money, and I pay my bills, and I'm not sure why my mom in particular feels the need to have massive amounts of input into my finances. I'm financially responsible - I just don't do things quite their way.

Most of the conversations we've had recently have felt like criticisms for the way I'm choosing to live my life - the way I handle my finances, the church I've chosen, the job I'm working in, sometimes even the way I handle my social life.

But, no time to muse on this now... I must be off to work and keep making money so I can keep being financially stable (unless, of course, my mother steps in!)

Thinking Out Loud

I reread the last few posts I've written here today. I printed them off, tucked them inside the cover of my journal, and took them to work with me. I read them on my lunch break. They feel really honest, and, to be quite frank, somewhat exposing and raw.

I wonder if I should have shared the depths of my sense of inadequacy as I walk through this time in my life. I know God has called me to serve Him by caring for these individuals in crisis, but I wonder still what He could possibly see as my qualifications for this sort of service. And yes, you can't grow up a pastor's kid and not know that God will never call you to something without equipping you for it, and that that equipping comes in the moment it's most needed and never sooner. But still, I wonder.

I sat at lunch and thought about the conversation I had yesterday. My friend is facing some pretty big challenges in her life right now. There is a strong likelihood that the challenges will get bigger before they taper off. I listened for a while, and silently pleaded with God (as I had off and on for much of the afternoon before meeting up with her) to give me words - to speak - preferably loudly. I guess He did - although not loudly. As I began to respond to her, certain things became startlingly clear in my head. And I spoke them, challenging her to make some decisions, to rethink some she'd already made. I hope that was God. I think it was.

Everytime I answer my phone these days, I wonder what I'm going to get hit with next. I'm almost afraid to spend time praying and meditating, because each time I've paused lately, I have been made aware of deep wounds in my life. Can God use the walking wounded? Because at the moment my life is a mass of open wounds - wounds that He has exposed, but not yet healed. Wounds that are going to be a long time in healing, I think. I'm the walking wounded. And yet, the phone calls haven't stopped coming. The crises haven't slacked off. And I wonder...

I am confronted with spiritual realities that are new to me. Areas of darkness are huge in the life of my friend. And I am ill-equipped to face that. I know nothing of spiritual warfare. It was not a topic discussed in the home or the church I grew up in. Spiritual warfare in our home refers more directly to the realities of my dad's occasional mission trips to Ghana, not to something we deal with everyday. And yet, I am so very aware these last few months of the battle for my friend's heart, for my own heart a lot of days. I am aware that there is a battle, but I feel so incredibly ill-equipped for the reality of that statement. And that scares me.

I have surrounded myself with friends who have greater understanding and discernment in this area than I, two friends in particular. But the two of them are off traveling for the next couple weeks - enjoying a post-graduation road trip. They won't be back until nearly the end of the month, and in the mean time, the crisis around my friend in intensifying, and will probably continue to intensify for the foreseeable future - especially once her mom dies. As I dropped her at home yesterday, I wished for nothing so much as for my friends to be in town, because I had no idea how to respond. They're my backup. I emailed them, and the next time they're somewhere where they can check, I know they'll pray, but in the meantime, I have to continue to negotiate this situation. (And boys, if you read this - thanks for praying - I appreciate it. I hope the road trip is awesome, and I miss you guys!)

And I can't help but think, "how did I get here?" Because, that night, when I sat in my friend's car (November 1), and prayed at his encouragement, invited Jesus to enter my life in new ways. To allow me to experience Him and not just know about Him. Nothing that night indicated the kind of ride I was in for. And yes, I see major changes in my life. Things that stun me. Things that fall into the category of "I would have sworn I'd never do or never say that."

I was chatting with a friend from high school last night, and she read a bit of this blog for the first time, and commented, "it sounds like life has been pretty rough for you lately." Well, yes, that's true I guess. I'm tired all the time. I've been on 24/7 call for the last month or so. I've having weird dreams almost every night again. But I'm meeting God in stunning ways almost every day.

The word "vital" or "vitality" popped into my head just now as I tried to think of a way to describe what has changed in my life in the last few months. I looked it up in the dictionary, and vital has several parts to its definition. The parts that popped out at me were "essential to the existence or continuance of something" and "full of life and vigor". My life has felt vital this last little while. And after several years of depression, it is beautiful. I would so much rather be walking through wounds, than living in a place too numb to even see the existence of those wounds. I would much rather hear a painful word from God than never hear Him at all. I would much rather pour my life into caring for a friend in crisis than live in a world that is focused on my own depression.

And yes, I feel most days incredibly young and inadequate to walk out these things. But God is calling me ever further along this journey, and the vitality of the previous moment gives me the faith to take each tiny step to the next. I struggle to trust Him, but am at the moment choosing to acknowledge that He has been faithful these last months, never giving me anything beyond my ability to walk into it - even when it doesn't feel that way in the moment.

So, Jesus, here I am. Young, inadequate, feeling terrified and unworthy, but willing to do almost anything to keep hearing from you, to make these changes in my life continue. Abba, I am Yours.