Tea and Conversation

I sat/lay on a friend's living room floor most of last evening, drinking tea and sharing life. The boys had bailed on us for the evening (I mean, who sleeps before a road trip? You sleep when it's over, not before. LAME!) so it was just the two of us.

We had similar Christmases. Not particularly easy in any account. So we laid on the floor, drank tea, and shared. We dreamed about the next year, about travelling, about work, about where we see church and our group of friends going. We shared pain, and triumphs, and the little things that God is doing - or the BIG things (the ones that really hurt) that He is also doing.

And it was good. A much needed break from the intense family togetherness of the holidays. An escape from my house for the evening, and a chance to share hearts. Not to mention she makes some pretty good tea! (I think she's the only one I drink tea with - other than the occasional cup with my mom at home.)

The silence of a muddled mind

I've been trying to think of something to write here for the last few days. But the truth is, I'm kind of muddled right now.

I'm waiting with a friend as her mother inches ever closer to death. I'm on call for her 24/7, and that is taking my time. I go to bed each night wondering if this will be the night that my cell phone rings and wakes me - the night where I need to roll out of bed, climb in the car, and find a friend, with nothing more to offer than a hug.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that death is something that is part of life. That it is horrific, a harsh mercy, that it is not something that ever seems timely or fair. That it is draining. That it can induce fear, and that it can create great beauty and that it will bring great pain.

I'm learning about my own fears. And they are many. I'm learning that I don't have to live to the standard that exists in my head - that it is a false standard, and it is not failure when I don't achieve it.

I'm learning that I am Lisa. That I am not any one of a number of people in my life whom I greatly respect, but whose opinions, behaviours and standards I have come to realize that I measure myself by. The other night God spoke to me simply. "You don't have to measure up."

I'm learning to pray single words. To pray "Hallelujah - Glory to God" and "Immanuel - God with us." I'm learning this becuase these are the words God has spoken in the last week. I'm learning to pray them when they seem least applicable, to pray them when I feel them the least, to rest in them and take comfort in them.

I'm working through some painful wounds in my life. Some hurts from family that intensified during the last month.

I'm working on not carrying the load of my concerns myself, but on sharing them with friends, and primarily with God. This is not easy for a self-admitted control freak.

I'm coming to terms with the reality that Mike Yaconelli phrased like this:
"Brennan Manning wrote a children’s book that was rejected by Christian publishers because the name he had given for children for the Holy Spirit was “Danger”. And they said we’re not going to publish a book for little kids that tells them that the name for the Holy Spirit is “Dangerous”. And I’m thinking, “why? He is dangerous!” I’ve never understood why people get all kind of teary eyed, and they sing and go “oh holy spirit come into the room” Okay. I hope you know what that means. I hope you understand that as Thomas Merton said, that when the Holy Spirit shows up you’d better be prepared to die. This Christian faith is wild and dangerous and terrifying and it ought to revolutionize and turn our lives upside down… this is scary stuff…

The reality is that when Christ came into my life, He ruined it. I’ve never been the same since. When Jesus Christ comes into your life He doesn’t just come in and sprinkle a little wiffle dust on it and make us go “oh I just love singing and being with God” He scares the hell out of us. He frightens us....

I want to know how come so many Christians today are not terrified of God. I want to know why they’re not afraid of Him. I want to know why they think you can just come into the presence of God and of Christ and that nothing is going to change. He’s going to wreck your life. He’s going to ruin it. And it’s going to be a glorious ruining, and you’re going to be thrilled the whole time.

I'm muddled. And I think I'm okay with that. I'd like to be unmuddled, but since that doesn't seem to be something I can plan on happening anytime soon. Since God seems intent on "wrecking my life" at the moment, I guess I'll just sit back and enjoy the ride! The Holy Spirit has been dangerous as He has shown up in my life, but it has been a danger marked by intense beauty. What I've written here seems so sanitized, so very unmuddled. My words don't seem to communicate the "messy" nature of the last few weeks. So, I'll leave you with the assurance of my muddled mind, and the gratefulness that muddled is okay.

The Risk of Birth

I don't have anything profound of my own to share with you, other than wishes for a peaceful and joy-filled Christmas, but I do have my favorite Christmas poem, by Madeline L'Engle to share with you.

The Risk of Birth
This is no time for a child to be born,
With the earth betrayed by war & hate
And a nova lighting the sky to warn
That time runs out & the sun burns late.

That was no time for a child to be born,
In a land in the crushing grip of Rome;
Honour & truth were trampled by scorn -
Yet here did the Saviour make his home.

When is the time for love to be born?
The inn is full on the planet earth,
And by greed & pride the sky is torn -
Yet Love still takes the risk of birth.


MERRY CHRISTMAS!

To Do List

This is it - Christmas is only two days away, I'm done school permanently (well, at least until I decide what to study at seminary), I'm off work until Boxing Day, and I have a million things to do today. Here are some of them:

• Eat a nutritious breakfast consisting of a mandarin orange and a couple of Belgian chocolate seashells. Okay, so maybe nutritious is overstating a bit!
• Clean my bedroom, thus allowing for movement around the room, use of my reading chair, and space on my desk for scrapbooking and cardmaking projects that I want to attack.
• Find a small Christmas gift for a friend - she gave me a beautiful candle with a holder as a Christmas/Graduation present, and I'd like to find something small to show her in return how much I appreciate her.
• Hang pictures in my bedroom. I've been moved back in for a month or so, but haven't hung any of my pictures yet. I want it done before the whole extended family comes on Christmas day.
• Make the "bacon bites" that have become part of the traditional oerderve Christmas Eve meal at our house. What could be better than waterchestnuts soaked liberally in teriyaki sauce and brown sugar, wrapped with a strip of bacon, secured with a toothpick, and baked until they're nice and crispy. My family (not to mention me) would miss these little suckers if they weren't there on Christmas Eve when we sit down to eat.
• Write a nice, reflective Christmas post for this blog - okay, this one is still coming. Somehow a "to do" list doesn't quite count.
• Wrap all the Christmas presents I purchased and have stashed in my closet.
• Eat a few more Belgian chocolates.
• Go through some scrapbooking magazines and add any good ideas to my idea notebook.
• Clean the tub and shower tiles in the bathroom - this one I've been putting off for days, by mom will have a heart attack if it doesn't get done by the time everyone comes over for the Christmas Eve service tomorrow night (ah, the wonders of a father who pastors a church so tiny it can have a Christmas Eve service in our house), and for family Christmas dinner on Christmas Day.
• Hang out with a good friend tonight, before she heads home for Christmas for a few days.

Okay, I think that's it! And now, I must be off and attempt to accomplish at least the major portion of this list! Tomorrow and Saturday are coming quickly, and each day has more responsibilities. (For example, I'm the official "hot cider" maker for all major events - maybe because I'm the only one who drinks cider on a regular basis during the year and just have a knack for making realllly good spiced cider!)

Henri Nouwen Quote

I received the following short meditation written by Henri Nouwen in my email this morning. I found it profound, and thought I'd share it with all of you.

Light in the Darkness
We walk in a "ravine as dark as death" (Psalm 23:4), and still we have nothing to fear because God is at our side: God's staff and crook are there to soothe us (see Psalm 23:4). This is not just a consoling idea. It is an experience of the heart that we can trust.

Our lives are full of suffering, pain, disillusions, losses and grief, but they are also marked by visions of the coming of the Son of Man "like lightning striking in the east and flashing far into west" (Matthew 24:27). These moments in which we see clearly, hear loudly, and feel deeply that God is with us on the journey make us shine as a light into the darkness. Jesus says, "You are the light of the world. Your light must shine in people's sight, so that, seeing your good works, they may give praise to your Father in heaven" (Matthew 5:14-16).