Stumbling Towards Faith

I read a book over the last week and a half that has changed my life. I can't really tell you how it has changed me, but it has changed me. I understand some things about myself better. I understand that I am not as alone as I have felt in some of the struggles I have been going through - the depression, the questions about God and faith, the anger.

I started reading it on the Monday two weeks ago, the night after my church spent the evening teaching on the passage in Mark about Jesus delivering the demon possessed boy. You know the passage. It's the one that ends with the statement that I think is one of the most profound in scripture. The father of the boy says to Jesus, "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief."

In the two weeks since I started to read this book, I have been telling everyone I know to pick it up and read it. I started thinking about that last night. Some of my friends are not going to "get" this book. I think they'll think I'm a heretic or something for loving it. But there is something so refreshingly honest, so real, so beautiful about the author's words - about the way she expresses the wounds inflicted upon her, and the way she progresses towards healing. The book does not resolve. I told a friend that last night (one of the friends who probably won't "get" this book because she doesn't understand my depression either), and she said that maybe the author did that so that she can write another book. I don't care. If she writes another book, I'll buy it based on the beauty I found in this one, but I love that this first book doesn't resolve. That the author wrestles throughout with Christians with pat answers, and that she doesn't become one is astounding. She is still processing. Yes, there is hope, and it is brilliant in light of her journey, but her last statement is somewhat more profound. She quotes the father from Mark, "i do believe. help thou, o god, my unbelief."

This book is artistic - interspersed with photography and the author's stunning poetry. there are no capital letters in sight - something I as a grammar freak never thought would work, but something that adds immense power to her words.

This book is a story of abuse, of woundedness, of questioning, and ultimately of the beginnings of healing. I still think everyone should read it, even if they don't "get" it. Maybe for those who don't "get" it, it will be a stretching exercise, a way to see into the lives of their friends and family who live in darker places than they themselves inhabit.

Now that I've set you up, the book that you must go and buy has the same title as this post. It is called "stumbling toward faith: my longing to heal from the evil that God allowed." The author is Renee Altson, and her words are beautiful and powerful. Her story is powerful. It's a little book - you could probably read it in a day if you wanted, but take time with it, and really absorb her words. You should see my copy - the paragraph on paragraph that I have marked, because I related or knew someone who would, because I was forced to stop and take stock of things in my own life that this touched upon.

Reading this book has given voice to some areas of my life that were long silenced. It has defined some wounds, and the ultimate desires for healing and freedom from those same wounds. Go read the book!

Bono on Faith

I recently found this link to an interesting excerpt from a new book about Bono. I thought he had some interesting things to say. Check it out here.

22

So, I'm older than when I last posted. I celebrated my 22nd birthday on Sunday. I don't know how much this really matters to me. Time has had a way of blurring due to the realities of my life in the last year.

I thoroughly enjoyed having five days in a row off. I should do that more often! I rented a car and drove through the mountains all day on Saturday. It was beautiful. Just me, my younger brother, some great tunes, good conversation, and beautiful scenery. I should do that more often too.

Saturday night I drove myself to a parking lot that has become a favorite place of mine. I sat in the dark, looking over the city lights, watching planes land, listening to music, thinking and journalling. It was a special time. Just me, and my journal, and God. I didn't have much to say to Him, I said it quickly, and then just sat, finally quiet with Him. It wasn't anything that was stunningly profound, just time away, time to regroup, to focus some thoughts.

I have more questions than answers. I wonder if I'll always be that way. I have more wounds than cures. I hope I won't always be that way.

I had a conversation with a good friend last night, sharing honestly with him the depth of pain and desperation in which I have found myself this last month. He said something that made me pause. He said that maybe this is a good thing, because now, I desperately need the salvation of God - that I am learning the meaning of daily salvation. He might be right.

of all the liars...

A few months ago when I started this blog, it was simply a way for me to chronicle my journey of life. I wasn't finding the time or motivation to write essays and share them with others as had been my previous practice, so I succumbed to the world of blogging, and decided to share my thoughts in their shorter, less polished forms.

At that time, I titled the blog "Of All the Liars in the World" from an anonymous quote that sits on my desk that reads, "of all the liars in the world sometimes the worst are your own fears." It was a thought that is profound to someone who battles overwhelming fears on a daily basis. It was intended to be a reminder for me not to trust the things that my fears were speaking to me.

In the last week as I have had my faith challenged by some dear friends, and as I have personally wrestled and struggled with what the next steps in my life are, my fears have been speaking loudly. They have greatly intensified, and with them my depression has also grown.

The truth is that God told me many months ago what my next step should be, and I have chosen over and over to ignore him. This thing he asks of me is terrifying, it is something which I must enter alone, and it is something that is more scary than any other thing in my life. How can he be calling me to something which will leave my wounds open and exposed? How can he be asking me to allow my pain to surface? No one, not even God could possibly love me if the depths of my fears, my depression, my lack of trust in God and others was ever revealed.

On the other hand, it's not all that easy to love me now. I am a hard person to be around, and I often find it hard to be around people. I spend much of my time alone, because it feels safer, it is easier than pretending that life is rosy. I have been irritable lately - snapping wrongly at people who don't deserve it. I recognized on Tuesday night that this is a symptom of the pain and the deeper issues I am still hoping to avoid dealing with. I want healing desperately, but am not sure I want it at the expense of my dignity, of my sense of security, of my tenuous emotional stability.

I know so much of this struggle is a living and breathing spiritual thing. And yet, I wonder still how much of the range of emotions, the battle with depression is genetic? Several members of my extended family have suffered from or continue to suffer from depression. My uncle is bipolar. And yet, I have to acknowledge the circumstances of pain that have caused the depression in my family members, and the healing of that depression that has occurred as their wounds were healed.

I am stuck with this conclusion. I am no longer able to battle the fears in my life alone, and yet I find it an equally terrifying proposition to confide these fears to another person or persons and ask them to pray. I know my fears are liars, but I find myself caught this week in the stranglehold of their lies. I think I'll use my time off this weekend to gather my courage and begin to take steps. I'm going to the mountains again - with my brother this time, to share life, to quiet my fears, to gain courage to share these fears and ask for prayer.

I am caught again by the words of the father of the demon possessed boy to Jesus. They have shown up again and again this week - in church, at house church, and in books that I've been reading. "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief." God, help me.

Waiting and Thinking

Someone asked me what's been going on since my last post. Well, here it is in point form!

• I greatly enjoyed having two days in a row off. I made it up to the mountains on the Saturday. I went on a day hike to a lake with a group of people I wouldn't necessarily have chosen (if I'd had my own way!) to spend the day with, but with whom I had a very good time. There's something incredibly refreshing about time spent in creation, away from the cares that way so heavily on my heart the rest of the time. Time spent enjoying God's artwork in nature seems to always be worthwhile.
• I connected with several friends, and have continued that process into this week. I love being part of a community that really enjoys spending time together. I love the random places that you can connect with people for an awesome conversation. I had a fantastic conversation about what it is like to live with fear and depression with two friends on Sunday night after church, sitting in a pub and enjoying good food and good company.
• I continue to struggle deeply with my own fears and depression. However, another conversation on Tuesday night has left me with much to process and respond to. I am grateful for the people in my life who offer challenges and gentle rebukes, rather than simply offering platitudes. Conversations with these people are rarely easy to walk away from, but are almost always worth the turmoil they tend to generate.
• I am working for something like the next eight straight days, followed by a five day mini-vacation during which I may or may not leave town. In between working, I have filled my free evenings and mornings with people rather than a blog! I have been reminded again recently that it is important for me to not allow writing to become my only forum of connection with others, so I am trying to connect with a number of friends this week. All this to say that blogging will likely be a bit scarce again for the next couple of weeks!