Restless is the best word I can come up with to describe my life right now. Restless and maybe unfulfilled. I experience life only partially, flitting from one time consuming activity to the next in a desperate attempt to fill my time, and still my mind - to distract myself from the challenges of my life right now. Television, novels, computer games, coffee with friends - all of these are excellent ways to fill time and avoid my own troubles for an extra hour or two.
I'm tired, so tired. All I keep hearing from people is how good God is. Just ask Him and he'll answer. He'll heal, whatever. That is so not my experience of God right now. I cling to Him desperately, because He's all I have, He's stability, but He's not healing, and I can't hear Him speaking. I'm tired of people who've never experienced depression offering useless answers. I'm tired of being tired and depressed. I'm tired of people who don't struggle so heavily with fear telling me that fear is a sin, and that God didn't create a spirit of fear. I'm tired of never being able to overcome fear - of wanting, but not quite finding the strength to battle the fear that stops me from praying, from risking, from engaging with the people around me.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Disconnect, Crash, and a Jann Arden Song
I realized something about myself last night. I can so completely involve myself in the life of another person, that I can forget about my own problems. I neglect my own life in favor of the life of a friend. I'm not sure that this is a totally healthy thing.
I spent a great portion of the last month with a very close friend who was preparing to leave at the beginning of May for two months doing HIV AIDS work in South Africa and Mozambique. I hung out with her, shopped with her, listened as she talked through some big issues in her life, let her vent frustrations and fears, and just spent time with her. Especially in the two weeks before she left, we were together nearly every other day for at least a couple of hours, and on the days we weren't together, we were emailing or talking on the phone. Add to that my work schedule and family committments, and you have a very busy month. It was a good investment of my time. I'm glad to have spent the time with her.
A week ago yesterday, she left. It took me until to realize that in the time I had spent caring for her, I had neglected to care for myself. Just before these weeks of time with her, I had a rather brutal nightmare again, one that I believe has some degree of significance spiritually. In the frenzy of caring for my friend, I completely forgot that I had had the dream, until someone I had given a copy of it to reminded me of it. I've neglected personal devotions as well. This cannot be blamed fully on my involvement with her life, as it has been a struggle for months now.
So, last night I listened to someone share a story of deep depression, and God's intervention in their life, and my only response was anger. I'm not sure exactly what I am angry at - God, for not intervening in my life, myself, for being continually susceptible to this depression, those around me for not understanding what I'm experiencing.
When I am vigilant, I am able to keep the depression to a dull roar. When I stop being vigilant my emotions spiral out of control.
Today I crashed. I feel a sense of disconnect with the world, a disconnect with myself. I cried at the simplest things, and longed to sob my eyes out, but couldn't quite find the emotional release necessary. I never thought that I would miss crying, but it has been at least a year since my last truly cathartic attack of tears, and I long for the release that they would bring. I fought a headache and an upset stomach - all signs of my own emotional crash. I know that the life I am living cannot be all that God has for me, and yet, I find myself still waiting for God to intervene, and wondering when he will show up in my life. "I love the Lord, for he heard my voice." (Psalm 116:1) I have clung to the simple consolation over the last months that God does indeed hear. I'm so grateful that God hears, but wish he would do more than hear - that he would intervene on my behalf.
Emotions are a volatile thing. For much of my life I believed that emotions were not to be trusted - that all emotions were liars. Then, as I began to explore a more emotional side of faith, it seemed that I was being told that my ability to reason was not to be trusted, that it was liar that kept me from experiencing God. So, here I am. Which one is lying - my emotion or my reason? How do I navigate this balance?
So, the day is ending, and so is my time of crashing. I will take it easy again tomorrow, before I work again on Friday. This is how it works. I cycle downwards for a while, and then I have a day like today where I simply shut down, unable to believe that there is still good in the world. Tomorrow, I will pick up the pieces of my life, start looking for work again, and have coffee with a friend.
I've been listening to Jann Arden lately - mood music, I know! Anyway, on her "Greatest Hurts" album, she recorded a Leonard Cohen song with the following lyric that is my prayer tonight, from a place of pain and longing:
If it be your will
If there is a choice
Let the rivers fill
Let the hills rejoice
Let your mercy spill
On all these burning hearts in hell
If it be your will
To make us well
And draw us near
And bind us tight
All your children here
In their rags of light
In our rags of light
All dressed to kill
And end this night
If it be your will.
I spent a great portion of the last month with a very close friend who was preparing to leave at the beginning of May for two months doing HIV AIDS work in South Africa and Mozambique. I hung out with her, shopped with her, listened as she talked through some big issues in her life, let her vent frustrations and fears, and just spent time with her. Especially in the two weeks before she left, we were together nearly every other day for at least a couple of hours, and on the days we weren't together, we were emailing or talking on the phone. Add to that my work schedule and family committments, and you have a very busy month. It was a good investment of my time. I'm glad to have spent the time with her.
A week ago yesterday, she left. It took me until to realize that in the time I had spent caring for her, I had neglected to care for myself. Just before these weeks of time with her, I had a rather brutal nightmare again, one that I believe has some degree of significance spiritually. In the frenzy of caring for my friend, I completely forgot that I had had the dream, until someone I had given a copy of it to reminded me of it. I've neglected personal devotions as well. This cannot be blamed fully on my involvement with her life, as it has been a struggle for months now.
So, last night I listened to someone share a story of deep depression, and God's intervention in their life, and my only response was anger. I'm not sure exactly what I am angry at - God, for not intervening in my life, myself, for being continually susceptible to this depression, those around me for not understanding what I'm experiencing.
When I am vigilant, I am able to keep the depression to a dull roar. When I stop being vigilant my emotions spiral out of control.
Today I crashed. I feel a sense of disconnect with the world, a disconnect with myself. I cried at the simplest things, and longed to sob my eyes out, but couldn't quite find the emotional release necessary. I never thought that I would miss crying, but it has been at least a year since my last truly cathartic attack of tears, and I long for the release that they would bring. I fought a headache and an upset stomach - all signs of my own emotional crash. I know that the life I am living cannot be all that God has for me, and yet, I find myself still waiting for God to intervene, and wondering when he will show up in my life. "I love the Lord, for he heard my voice." (Psalm 116:1) I have clung to the simple consolation over the last months that God does indeed hear. I'm so grateful that God hears, but wish he would do more than hear - that he would intervene on my behalf.
Emotions are a volatile thing. For much of my life I believed that emotions were not to be trusted - that all emotions were liars. Then, as I began to explore a more emotional side of faith, it seemed that I was being told that my ability to reason was not to be trusted, that it was liar that kept me from experiencing God. So, here I am. Which one is lying - my emotion or my reason? How do I navigate this balance?
So, the day is ending, and so is my time of crashing. I will take it easy again tomorrow, before I work again on Friday. This is how it works. I cycle downwards for a while, and then I have a day like today where I simply shut down, unable to believe that there is still good in the world. Tomorrow, I will pick up the pieces of my life, start looking for work again, and have coffee with a friend.
I've been listening to Jann Arden lately - mood music, I know! Anyway, on her "Greatest Hurts" album, she recorded a Leonard Cohen song with the following lyric that is my prayer tonight, from a place of pain and longing:
If it be your will
If there is a choice
Let the rivers fill
Let the hills rejoice
Let your mercy spill
On all these burning hearts in hell
If it be your will
To make us well
And draw us near
And bind us tight
All your children here
In their rags of light
In our rags of light
All dressed to kill
And end this night
If it be your will.
Monday, May 16, 2005
Random Retail Observations
I've been working in a variety of retail/customer service jobs for quite a few years now. The characters you meet, and the experiences you collect in that type of job never cease to astound me. Take the following examples:
- The man that I saw reading in the mall last week. His clothing, and the part of the mall he was reading in told me he probably works at an upscale men's clothing store. However, he reminded me of nothing so much as the stereotypical image of a used car salesman. His greased back hair and big glasses practically screamed of that movie used car lot. I spotted the title of his book, and had to laugh to myself. It was Emotional Blackmail! I had to wonder if he was feeling emotionally blackmailed by someone, or was looking for pointers to do a little blackmailing of his own. The things that pass through my mind...
- When I worked in a children's clothing store, I encountered the meanest mother I've ever met. She had her daughter with her - probably around five years old, and still in that "haven't quite outgrown the baby fat" stage. The mother tried a skirt on her daughter, and I complimented how it looked. The mother quite loudly informed me that the skirt wouldn't do - her daughter was "a bit fat", and the skirt might work later, after she lost some weight. All I could do was wonder what the self image of that little girl will be like by the time she hits thirteen. If at five she is already hearing from her mother that she's fat, then by the time she's thirteen, she'll probably be rather traumatized.
- And then there are the coworkers. My current favorite is a woman from the china store where I'm working right now. Picture your stereotypical, upperclass old lady. Got it in your head? I work with her. She dotes on her grandchildren - talks about them constantly. She sings with the Calgary Philharmonic Opera chorus, and if I don't bring CD's to work, will make me listen to opera for a whole shift - not so bad for an hour, but painful for eight hours! She not only does needlepoint, she is the PRESIDENT of the Calgary needle point guild. I didn't know that Calgary had a needlepoint guild until I met her. And then, just to make it interesting, she seems a bit crazy. Her behavior is unpredictable, her moods erratic. She's taken to pacing around the store, talking under her breath. Recently, she's added swear words to her under the breath repetoire, even when customers are around!
Ah, the joys of retail! Only until December, and then maybe, I'll find a nice, safe full-time office job while I figure out what I want to be when I grow up, and how my bachelor's degree in history fits into that plan!
Saturday, May 14, 2005
Worth It?
I'm tired this morning. I worked the late shift last night, and it was unusually busy. At least it was with a coworker that's fun to work with! Got home, watched a sappy movie on TV with my parents, read for a while and went to bed.I spent most of the morning reading in bed, and now I'm getting ready to work another late shift.
I find myself wondering if this is the sum total of my days - filling time to make the day go by, so that I can sleep and then do it all again. Don't get me wrong, I like my job, and I'll be really sorry when it ends, especially if I don't find other work soon. But, I keep thinking that there has to be something a bit more meaningful than this.
I guess I'm in a bit of a funk again. I'm tired of waiting for God to show up. Tired of longing for that, and then telling myself not to be disappointed when it doesn't happen. I'm jealous of those to whom hearing from God seems to come easily or be second nature. I'm jealous of some of my close friends who are off having adventures and serving God in different parts of the world.
I want more of God, but I almost don't expect him to show up anymore. It's been too long, and I've been disappointed too many times. Most days I don't bother to pick up a Bible any more, because it feels like such a dead read. I content myself with running through the few passages I have memorized at work recently. I pray more out of habit than out of passion - at least for myself. For the needs of my friends I come before God with some degree of passion.
I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I guess I'm having one of those days when my life feels empty and where I'm wondering, "Is it really worth it to keep pursuing God?"
I find myself wondering if this is the sum total of my days - filling time to make the day go by, so that I can sleep and then do it all again. Don't get me wrong, I like my job, and I'll be really sorry when it ends, especially if I don't find other work soon. But, I keep thinking that there has to be something a bit more meaningful than this.
I guess I'm in a bit of a funk again. I'm tired of waiting for God to show up. Tired of longing for that, and then telling myself not to be disappointed when it doesn't happen. I'm jealous of those to whom hearing from God seems to come easily or be second nature. I'm jealous of some of my close friends who are off having adventures and serving God in different parts of the world.
I want more of God, but I almost don't expect him to show up anymore. It's been too long, and I've been disappointed too many times. Most days I don't bother to pick up a Bible any more, because it feels like such a dead read. I content myself with running through the few passages I have memorized at work recently. I pray more out of habit than out of passion - at least for myself. For the needs of my friends I come before God with some degree of passion.
I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I guess I'm having one of those days when my life feels empty and where I'm wondering, "Is it really worth it to keep pursuing God?"
Friday, May 13, 2005
Selfish Activist
Wow, I just reread my last post. I sound like some kind of impassioned activist type! It made me laugh a bit. The truth is, I do care, but, to my own shame, most of the time I'm far too lazy to do anything about it. I keep telling myself that I should get involved. Most of the time, though, my good intentions are shoved aside in favor of daily life.
I've been often convicted over the last months of selfishness. Most of the time I care far more about my own life and my own problems than anything else. I spend far too much of my time consumed with my own pursuits. I feel safe when it is only me (and maybe those in my closest circle of friends) that matters. When I stop to admit that someone who is a stranger, or someone who makes me uncomfortable is important, then I have to acknowledge that I might be pulled out of my own comfort zone in order to help or be with that person. I would have to acknowledge the possibility of being hurt, or of having my trust betrayed.
A couple of months ago, my dad sat down at dinner, looked at me, and said, "I have a challenge for you." I started quaking in my seat, and tears got ready to fall. My dad is a wonderful person, but incredibly blunt, and I knew instinctively that I would probably not like what he was going to say. What he said, was something like this, "I challenge you for the next month, in conversations, to talk less, and listen more. You are very like me, and I have learned that I miss a great deal of depth of relationship when I constantly fill the silences with my own empty words. It's taken me forty plus years to learn this, learn it now while you're young."
OKAY. So, I kind of laughed at him, but his words so meshed with the convictions God had placed upon me in recent months that I couldn't help but ponder them. I began to try to listen. I think it scared some of my friends at first, that I was suddenly more silent. All I was trying to do was hear them, and hear the things God would have me say to them, rather than just blabbering constantly as had been my habit. But it was true. When I stopped talking, my friends began to fill the silences, and I learned new things about them, and was able to pray for them much more effectively.
I don't know quite how to end this story. Unfortunately, life happened, and my resolve to be less selfish slipped as I dealt with depression again and many other things. My conviction is this - I need to be less selfish, but at the same time, I am terrified of being pulled from my comfort zone. I believe I'll end with this - I pray that God will continually convict me of my love affair with myself. I pray that he'll give me courage and wisdom and strength to love others more than I love myself.
I've been often convicted over the last months of selfishness. Most of the time I care far more about my own life and my own problems than anything else. I spend far too much of my time consumed with my own pursuits. I feel safe when it is only me (and maybe those in my closest circle of friends) that matters. When I stop to admit that someone who is a stranger, or someone who makes me uncomfortable is important, then I have to acknowledge that I might be pulled out of my own comfort zone in order to help or be with that person. I would have to acknowledge the possibility of being hurt, or of having my trust betrayed.
A couple of months ago, my dad sat down at dinner, looked at me, and said, "I have a challenge for you." I started quaking in my seat, and tears got ready to fall. My dad is a wonderful person, but incredibly blunt, and I knew instinctively that I would probably not like what he was going to say. What he said, was something like this, "I challenge you for the next month, in conversations, to talk less, and listen more. You are very like me, and I have learned that I miss a great deal of depth of relationship when I constantly fill the silences with my own empty words. It's taken me forty plus years to learn this, learn it now while you're young."
OKAY. So, I kind of laughed at him, but his words so meshed with the convictions God had placed upon me in recent months that I couldn't help but ponder them. I began to try to listen. I think it scared some of my friends at first, that I was suddenly more silent. All I was trying to do was hear them, and hear the things God would have me say to them, rather than just blabbering constantly as had been my habit. But it was true. When I stopped talking, my friends began to fill the silences, and I learned new things about them, and was able to pray for them much more effectively.
I don't know quite how to end this story. Unfortunately, life happened, and my resolve to be less selfish slipped as I dealt with depression again and many other things. My conviction is this - I need to be less selfish, but at the same time, I am terrified of being pulled from my comfort zone. I believe I'll end with this - I pray that God will continually convict me of my love affair with myself. I pray that he'll give me courage and wisdom and strength to love others more than I love myself.
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