- Hanging out with a friend I met when we were both bridesmaids at T & L's wedding
- Feeling just a little bit better
- eating supper at the table on the patio, fresh off the grill
- making my way through the vast majority of another stats assignment
- marking a few little niggling tasks that had been there for several days off of my list
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 347
Today's Daily 5:
Subject Lines and Fortune Cookie Wisdom
Have I ever mentioned that God has this tendency to send me email? And talk to me with fortune cookies after Chinese takeout? I have a long history of awkward, funny, or convicting moments.
The following are some of the subject lines that popped up in my email over the weekend and the last day or two:
Tough Seasons Grow Us Up
A Wild Wilderness Ride
Have I found a way to take my struggles and pain to God?
Where do I abide?
You will be SAFE in the Eye of the Storm.
Then there were a few blog posts today that hit hard.
This quote from Walter Bruggemann at Marko's blog. "Mature personhood does not come by pilgrimages of continuity, but by abrasion, disruption, and discontinuity which shatter our grasp of things and make us, at key points, not the initiators but the recipients of gifts and surprises that we often do not want to receive."
These thoughts on insecurity at Grit and Glory.
And there was the fortune cookie. Keep in mind that I opened this fortune cookie, leftover from Chinese takeout the night before, after spending a good solid hour sobbing, talking with someone about some rampant insecurities, and self image/self confidence issues that are resurfacing in my life right now.
The fortune read: "Your qualities overshadow your weaknesses."
What made the fortune cookie even more hilarious is the fact that, as I paused to open it, I remembered several significant moments in the past where the fortune in a cookie like that has been a clear confirmation of direction. I can't decide if I was hoping for encouragement this time, or just a dud. Because I was definitely not really wanting to hear from God. I was (maybe am still, depending on the moment) pretty mad at him, at his timing, at how my life is looking in the present moment. And then my fortune confirmed what the person I'd been talking with had spent a good chunk of time trying to hear me. And confirmed it in that, "this is not a coincidence" way, simply because I'd been reminded as I cracked open the cookie of just how often Jesus has decided to entertain himself by padding my fortune cookies with his messages to me.
So, I guess that leaves me in a place of either trusting all these not-so-subtle messages, or of trying to ignore a point that is being clearly communicated. My choice. Probably not a hard one to make, though perhaps one that is harder to live, but again, an underscoring of the theme of choice that is making itself clear.
The following are some of the subject lines that popped up in my email over the weekend and the last day or two:
Tough Seasons Grow Us Up
A Wild Wilderness Ride
Have I found a way to take my struggles and pain to God?
Where do I abide?
You will be SAFE in the Eye of the Storm.
Then there were a few blog posts today that hit hard.
This quote from Walter Bruggemann at Marko's blog. "Mature personhood does not come by pilgrimages of continuity, but by abrasion, disruption, and discontinuity which shatter our grasp of things and make us, at key points, not the initiators but the recipients of gifts and surprises that we often do not want to receive."
These thoughts on insecurity at Grit and Glory.
And there was the fortune cookie. Keep in mind that I opened this fortune cookie, leftover from Chinese takeout the night before, after spending a good solid hour sobbing, talking with someone about some rampant insecurities, and self image/self confidence issues that are resurfacing in my life right now.
The fortune read: "Your qualities overshadow your weaknesses."
What made the fortune cookie even more hilarious is the fact that, as I paused to open it, I remembered several significant moments in the past where the fortune in a cookie like that has been a clear confirmation of direction. I can't decide if I was hoping for encouragement this time, or just a dud. Because I was definitely not really wanting to hear from God. I was (maybe am still, depending on the moment) pretty mad at him, at his timing, at how my life is looking in the present moment. And then my fortune confirmed what the person I'd been talking with had spent a good chunk of time trying to hear me. And confirmed it in that, "this is not a coincidence" way, simply because I'd been reminded as I cracked open the cookie of just how often Jesus has decided to entertain himself by padding my fortune cookies with his messages to me.
So, I guess that leaves me in a place of either trusting all these not-so-subtle messages, or of trying to ignore a point that is being clearly communicated. My choice. Probably not a hard one to make, though perhaps one that is harder to live, but again, an underscoring of the theme of choice that is making itself clear.
The Art of Choosing
I watched this video from TED yesterday and found it absolutely fascinating, and had to share.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Daily 5 - Day 346
Today's Daily 5:
- Thankful that after waking from a bad nightmare at 4am, I managed to get a bit more sleep, without descending again into the nightmare.
- Managed to get an exam that was supposed to be tomorrow rescheduled. Necessary due to some complications, but I'm simply relieved that I was able to reschedule it for the date I was hoping for.
- Several encouraging emails from friends, assuring me that I am not alone, that I am loved and being prayed for, and that there is an "other side" to the current battles my journey is caught in.
- finished an assignment that I'd been sort of stuck on.
- a day that felt a little less mired in crap, and a bit more hopeful
Wilderness or Battle: Tired of the Long Way
The weekend was brutal. Really, the last two or three weeks have been brutal, but I haven't known how to describe them.
I still don't have words, really.
I'm sick today. Most likely from stress, and a hangover of the many tears shed the last few days.
I had a brutal nightmare this morning at 4 am.
A vivid combination of processing some of the many hard emotions of the weekend, and the blatantly demonic.
At least I was able to fall back asleep for a while after this one.
I'm dealing with a particular icky manifestation of some of what had gone on in the past.
A manifestation that I thought gone, rather permanently.
And life is broken.
Because the weekend was rough, there aren't posts scheduled for this week. Maybe I'll get to that, but I might not. It might just have to be a sporadic blogging sort of week.
My heart aches.
I found myself thinking this morning about a post I wrote quite a while back, now.
I talked about the Dixie Chicks song, "The Long Way Around".
I'm tired of taking the long way, today. I'm tired of the journey of healing not being instantaneous. My head reminds me that it usually isn't, that this is not unusual, and that I will walk through this, one step after another, if I can only just manage to keep walking.
It's been two long years now
Since the top of the world came crashing down
And I'm getting' it back on the road now
But I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
The long
The long way around
Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself
I opened my mouth and I heard myself
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself
Guess I could have made it easier on myself
But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow
Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me I can still be found
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around
It's actually been close to three years now, since the events that started some of the crashing in of my world.
And in my more generous moments, I can choose to see all the beauty that has also occurred in those three years.
Or to see the beginning of that crashing in as beginning the journey of healing.
In my more generous and faith and hope-filled moments.
The rest of the time (and even in some of those generous moments)? I'm tired of taking the long way.
I read these rather telling verses in Exodus the other day, "When Pharaoh finally let the people go, God did not lead them along the main road that runs through Philistine territory, even though that was the shortest route to the Promised Land. God said, 'If the people are faced with a battle, they might change their mind and return to Egypt. So God let them in a roundabout way through the wilderness toward the Red Sea." (Exodus 13:17-18)
"If they're faced with a battle they might change their mind." He gave them a wilderness instead of a battle. It doesn't seem like a better option, really. And granted, the children of Israel aren't exactly known for their happy and compliant spirits.
I'm tired of the long way. But I'm not sure that I prefer the battle that seems to be the other option. And so I find myself, standing, feeling somewhat paralyzed, as I wait to figure what step comes next.
I still don't have words, really.
I'm sick today. Most likely from stress, and a hangover of the many tears shed the last few days.
I had a brutal nightmare this morning at 4 am.
A vivid combination of processing some of the many hard emotions of the weekend, and the blatantly demonic.
At least I was able to fall back asleep for a while after this one.
I'm dealing with a particular icky manifestation of some of what had gone on in the past.
A manifestation that I thought gone, rather permanently.
And life is broken.
Because the weekend was rough, there aren't posts scheduled for this week. Maybe I'll get to that, but I might not. It might just have to be a sporadic blogging sort of week.
My heart aches.
I found myself thinking this morning about a post I wrote quite a while back, now.
I talked about the Dixie Chicks song, "The Long Way Around".
I'm tired of taking the long way, today. I'm tired of the journey of healing not being instantaneous. My head reminds me that it usually isn't, that this is not unusual, and that I will walk through this, one step after another, if I can only just manage to keep walking.
It's been two long years now
Since the top of the world came crashing down
And I'm getting' it back on the road now
But I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
The long
The long way around
Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself
I opened my mouth and I heard myself
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself
Guess I could have made it easier on myself
But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow
Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me I can still be found
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around
It's actually been close to three years now, since the events that started some of the crashing in of my world.
And in my more generous moments, I can choose to see all the beauty that has also occurred in those three years.
Or to see the beginning of that crashing in as beginning the journey of healing.
In my more generous and faith and hope-filled moments.
The rest of the time (and even in some of those generous moments)? I'm tired of taking the long way.
I read these rather telling verses in Exodus the other day, "When Pharaoh finally let the people go, God did not lead them along the main road that runs through Philistine territory, even though that was the shortest route to the Promised Land. God said, 'If the people are faced with a battle, they might change their mind and return to Egypt. So God let them in a roundabout way through the wilderness toward the Red Sea." (Exodus 13:17-18)
"If they're faced with a battle they might change their mind." He gave them a wilderness instead of a battle. It doesn't seem like a better option, really. And granted, the children of Israel aren't exactly known for their happy and compliant spirits.
I'm tired of the long way. But I'm not sure that I prefer the battle that seems to be the other option. And so I find myself, standing, feeling somewhat paralyzed, as I wait to figure what step comes next.
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