Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Blanketed
I'm exhausted this morning. I slept very little last night, waking often.
I'm holding onto the truths I've so successfully rested in for the last couple of weeks by the very tips of my fingers, and even that feels like it's slipping.
I feel like a bit of black cloud has dropped over me in the last couple of days - blanketing me in darkness, freezing me in place, adding fear and sleeplessness.
I'm needing a hug, and to chat with a couple people on the phone.
I know myself well enough to know that this happens once a month or so, and that this too, will pass, but it still stinks in the midst of it.
It's hard to fight, hard to find motivation, hard to just keep pushing forward when it requires such effort.
I'm going to a concert tonight with Megs and my brothers. Keith Urban, with The Wreckers opening. Yes, I just publicly admitted to enjoying country music. Always have, probably always will. I'm looking forward to the time with my bros, and with Megs, and even to the music. I know I'll have a great time once I get there, but, to be honest, from the vantage point of the morning, sitting at my desk, sipping passion tea from Starbucks, it seems like far too great an effort to get there and be around people.
I've hit that space in the month where I just want to hole up and be alone for hours on end. My roommate, J. was watching Grey's Anatomy on dvd last night. I love Grey's. I watched for an hour or so before she got home, but not too long after she got home, I headed for the shower and then holed up in my bedroom to read and pray. There are very few people I want to be around when I feel like this, and right now, almost none of those people live in the same city as me. So, for the rest of the evenings this week? Time alone - reading, surfing the net, maybe watching a movie, praying.
I'm holding onto the truths I've so successfully rested in for the last couple of weeks by the very tips of my fingers, and even that feels like it's slipping.
I feel like a bit of black cloud has dropped over me in the last couple of days - blanketing me in darkness, freezing me in place, adding fear and sleeplessness.
I'm needing a hug, and to chat with a couple people on the phone.
I know myself well enough to know that this happens once a month or so, and that this too, will pass, but it still stinks in the midst of it.
It's hard to fight, hard to find motivation, hard to just keep pushing forward when it requires such effort.
I'm going to a concert tonight with Megs and my brothers. Keith Urban, with The Wreckers opening. Yes, I just publicly admitted to enjoying country music. Always have, probably always will. I'm looking forward to the time with my bros, and with Megs, and even to the music. I know I'll have a great time once I get there, but, to be honest, from the vantage point of the morning, sitting at my desk, sipping passion tea from Starbucks, it seems like far too great an effort to get there and be around people.
I've hit that space in the month where I just want to hole up and be alone for hours on end. My roommate, J. was watching Grey's Anatomy on dvd last night. I love Grey's. I watched for an hour or so before she got home, but not too long after she got home, I headed for the shower and then holed up in my bedroom to read and pray. There are very few people I want to be around when I feel like this, and right now, almost none of those people live in the same city as me. So, for the rest of the evenings this week? Time alone - reading, surfing the net, maybe watching a movie, praying.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Thy Kingdom Come
I'm curled up in my pajamas, in the chair in the corner of my bedroom. It's the chair I toss clothes on when I'm too lazy to hang them up, or my bag when when I get in from work. The all-purpose, catch all chair.
But lately, I've felt compelled to keep it clean. I've hung my clothes, and propped my bag elsewhere. The chair has been sitting there in the corner, empty and inviting me to come. To sit, to breathe, to slow down.
(Other than my laptop screen) the only light in my bedroom is from candles. My favorite incense is burning and filling the air with a spicy, smoky, beautiful scent. In the corner where I'm sitting are all of my visual reminders. A stone with the quote that inspired this blog. A railway spike. A crucifix from Mexico. Artwork that reminds me of specific words from Scripture, and encouragements to truly live. A tiny clay oil lamp that a friend brought from Nazareth. Next to the stone and the spike a candle burns - one I don't often burn - a gift from a dear friend the day I was baptized - given with a half-serious admonishment to burn it and remember that day.
And, across the room is a painting that a dear friend did as a gift to me. Square, maybe two feet by two feet. Mostly black, though rich with texture she added, and then, light, and beauty, coming out of nothingness. She titled it, "Thy Kingdom Come." I love this painting, and I deliberately hung it where I could see it when I settle into this chair, this corner of my bedroom to pray.
I didn't know where to even start today - the only words I could think of were, "Jesus, I'm tired, and it's heavy." It's been a Monday in the truest Garfield sense of the word. Cold, rainy weather, late trains this morning, cranky, tired people at the office. A friend in distress. A much needed word of truth spoken, but stinging.
I'm tired, and it's heavy.
So I'm sitting here in the candlelight, breathing incense, and staring at my barely lit painting.
Thy Kingdom Come.
Maybe that's all I really need to ask for tonight.
Thy Kingdom Come in my terrible Monday sort of day.
Thy Kingdom Come in the moments at night when I lay awake unable to sleep, knowing I'm going to pay for it in the morning.
Thy Kingdom Come in the lives of hurting friends.
Thy Kingdom Come in truth spoken gently and firmly.
Thy Kingdom Come in the Bible study I'm working to give leadership to.
Thy Kingdom Come in the life of the one for whom I had keys cut today.
Thy Kingdom Come in lunch with a friend tomorrow, and a concert tomorrow night.
Thy Kingdom Come in tiny moments of light, in tea, in hot showers, in incense, in stretching, in reading, in remembering to breathe and working to trust.
Abba, Thy Kingdom Come.
But lately, I've felt compelled to keep it clean. I've hung my clothes, and propped my bag elsewhere. The chair has been sitting there in the corner, empty and inviting me to come. To sit, to breathe, to slow down.
(Other than my laptop screen) the only light in my bedroom is from candles. My favorite incense is burning and filling the air with a spicy, smoky, beautiful scent. In the corner where I'm sitting are all of my visual reminders. A stone with the quote that inspired this blog. A railway spike. A crucifix from Mexico. Artwork that reminds me of specific words from Scripture, and encouragements to truly live. A tiny clay oil lamp that a friend brought from Nazareth. Next to the stone and the spike a candle burns - one I don't often burn - a gift from a dear friend the day I was baptized - given with a half-serious admonishment to burn it and remember that day.
And, across the room is a painting that a dear friend did as a gift to me. Square, maybe two feet by two feet. Mostly black, though rich with texture she added, and then, light, and beauty, coming out of nothingness. She titled it, "Thy Kingdom Come." I love this painting, and I deliberately hung it where I could see it when I settle into this chair, this corner of my bedroom to pray.
I didn't know where to even start today - the only words I could think of were, "Jesus, I'm tired, and it's heavy." It's been a Monday in the truest Garfield sense of the word. Cold, rainy weather, late trains this morning, cranky, tired people at the office. A friend in distress. A much needed word of truth spoken, but stinging.
I'm tired, and it's heavy.
So I'm sitting here in the candlelight, breathing incense, and staring at my barely lit painting.
Thy Kingdom Come.
Maybe that's all I really need to ask for tonight.
Thy Kingdom Come in my terrible Monday sort of day.
Thy Kingdom Come in the moments at night when I lay awake unable to sleep, knowing I'm going to pay for it in the morning.
Thy Kingdom Come in the lives of hurting friends.
Thy Kingdom Come in truth spoken gently and firmly.
Thy Kingdom Come in the Bible study I'm working to give leadership to.
Thy Kingdom Come in the life of the one for whom I had keys cut today.
Thy Kingdom Come in lunch with a friend tomorrow, and a concert tomorrow night.
Thy Kingdom Come in tiny moments of light, in tea, in hot showers, in incense, in stretching, in reading, in remembering to breathe and working to trust.
Abba, Thy Kingdom Come.
I needed this stuff from Henri Nouwen today
I really needed to hear these this week - in light of some stuff that's been going on in my life over the last month or so.
Keeping It Together
How can we not lose our souls when everything and everybody pulls us in the most different directions? How can we "keep it together" when we are constantly torn apart
Jesus says: "Not a hair of your head will be lost. Your perseverance will win you your lives" (Luke 21:18-19). We can only survive our world when we trust that God knows us more intimately than we know ourselves. We can only keep it together when we believe that God holds us together. We can only win our lives when we remain faithful to the truth that every little part of us, yes, every hair, is completely safe in the divine embrace of our Lord. To say it differently: When we keep living a spiritual life, we have nothing to be afraid of.
The Coming of the Son of Man
The spiritual knowledge that we belong to God and are safe with God even as we live in a very destructive world allows us to see in the midst of all the turmoil, fear, and agony of history "the Son of man coming in a cloud with power and great glory" (Luke 21:27). Even though Jesus speaks about this as about a final event, it is not just one more thing that is going to happen after all the terrible things are over. Just as the end-time is already here, so too is the coming of the Son of Man. It is an event in the realm of the Spirit and thus not subject to the boundaries of time.
Those who live in communion with Jesus have the eyes to see and the ears to hear the second coming of Jesus among them in the here and now. Jesus says: "Before this generation has passed away all will have taken place" (Luke 21:32). And this is true for each faithful generation.
Standing Erect
About the end-time Jesus says: "There will be signs in the sun and moon and stars; on earth nations in agony, bewildered by the turmoil of the ocean and its waves; men fainting away with terror and fear at what menaces the world, for the power of heaven will be shaken. And then they will see the Son of Man coming in a cloud with power and great glory" (Luke 21:25-28) All of this is already taking place. For anyone who has listened deeply to the heart of God, the despair of the world and the coming of the great liberation are both visible every day.
What then should we do? Jesus says it clearly: "Stand erect, hold your heads high, because your liberation is near at hand" (Luke 21:28). There is so much hope here. We do not have to faint but can stand straight, welcoming our Lord with outstretched arms.
Keeping It Together
How can we not lose our souls when everything and everybody pulls us in the most different directions? How can we "keep it together" when we are constantly torn apart
Jesus says: "Not a hair of your head will be lost. Your perseverance will win you your lives" (Luke 21:18-19). We can only survive our world when we trust that God knows us more intimately than we know ourselves. We can only keep it together when we believe that God holds us together. We can only win our lives when we remain faithful to the truth that every little part of us, yes, every hair, is completely safe in the divine embrace of our Lord. To say it differently: When we keep living a spiritual life, we have nothing to be afraid of.
The Coming of the Son of Man
The spiritual knowledge that we belong to God and are safe with God even as we live in a very destructive world allows us to see in the midst of all the turmoil, fear, and agony of history "the Son of man coming in a cloud with power and great glory" (Luke 21:27). Even though Jesus speaks about this as about a final event, it is not just one more thing that is going to happen after all the terrible things are over. Just as the end-time is already here, so too is the coming of the Son of Man. It is an event in the realm of the Spirit and thus not subject to the boundaries of time.
Those who live in communion with Jesus have the eyes to see and the ears to hear the second coming of Jesus among them in the here and now. Jesus says: "Before this generation has passed away all will have taken place" (Luke 21:32). And this is true for each faithful generation.
Standing Erect
About the end-time Jesus says: "There will be signs in the sun and moon and stars; on earth nations in agony, bewildered by the turmoil of the ocean and its waves; men fainting away with terror and fear at what menaces the world, for the power of heaven will be shaken. And then they will see the Son of Man coming in a cloud with power and great glory" (Luke 21:25-28) All of this is already taking place. For anyone who has listened deeply to the heart of God, the despair of the world and the coming of the great liberation are both visible every day.
What then should we do? Jesus says it clearly: "Stand erect, hold your heads high, because your liberation is near at hand" (Luke 21:28). There is so much hope here. We do not have to faint but can stand straight, welcoming our Lord with outstretched arms.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
For a friend
Got a long message from a friend today, that made me want to cry, and made me wish we lived in the same province so I could give her a physical hug, not just a phone call or email.
Then read this little cartoon at this blog "A Beautiful Revolution" - it says some of the things I wanted to say. So I'm sticking it here, and tomorrow I'll call and read it to her, or I'll email it to her.
permalink for the cartoon here.
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