thinking churchy thoughts

Well, I find myself in the middle of somewhat of a conundrum regarding church. You see, my church, the one that I've called home for the last three and a half years, has just announced that they are entering a period of discerning whether or not they've fulfilled their mandate, and are considering shutting down.

I'm hurting, for a number of reasons in response to this. First, because I really believe that this church is something unique, something needed by many, and that it has the possibilities for many greater things. Second, the situation has not been handled particularly delicately, and the way it was handled has left me reeling a bit, and hurt and angry. There is much I could say to round out this paragraph, but to be honest, I don't see the point.

I came home Sunday night, after the announcement was made, after we all went out for dinner and pretended that the announcement hadn't just been made. (Well, maybe I was the only one pretending, because everyone else who came out for dinner knew in advance.) I came home and had a long conversation with my dad about church. I cried myself through the conversation and into a migraine headache and went to bed.

Now, if you know me, you know that that was a bit of a loaded conversation. Because I left the church I grew up in, the church my dad pastors, to attend the church that may now be closing its doors. I left with my father's blessing, but also with the knowledge through these years that it has not always been a decision that made him particularly happy.

We had another long conversation at dinner tonight. He poses some very good questions, things I can't quite answer. He makes strong points - ones that I wish I could raise with leadership at my church, but ones that I dont' know how to raise without sounding selfish. Things like, why haven't you help me discover my areas of giftedness? Why haven't you allowed for me to grow and mature in opportunities to minister? But I don't want it to be so much about me.

And then, he asked me to carefully consider what I'm looking for in a church body, reminding me that my needs now are quite different than they were three and a half years ago. He said "three years ago you were something of an oozing sore in a lot of areas of your life, you aren't that person anymore, and I suspect that if you were to consider carefully, you'd realize that your needs in a church community have changed as well." I think he might be right.

I still believe that my church community could meet those needs, but some things would need to change. We would need to quit pretending to be community and start actually being it. We would need to take the time to acknowledge that quite a few core members of our church body are struggling, burnt-out, or in very difficult times in our lives. It seems we've been playing at community - claiming it as our own as long as times are good, and are beginning to run from it now when times are somewhat more difficult.

Maybe it's time for a transition. I hate the thought of looking for a new church again - I feel like it took me three years to settle into this community. To be honest, I'm probably not going to be in Calgary that much longer either. The big opportunity that I've mentioned here several times is a relocation to the Los Angeles area. We're moving ahead with plans to relocate sometime between March and May of next year.

My dad suggested that if I decided to leave my church, given the fact that I may not be in Calgary all that much longer, I may want to consider attending his church again. And, to be honest, he raised some good points. They have a new staff member coming on board. It would no longer be only my dad as my pastor. The new guy is someone I've known for quite a while, and have a great deal of respect for. My dad also pointed out that his church excels at developing leaders and giftings. He told me that I have leadership gifts that I'm allowing to lay dormant for reasons he didn't know. He's right.

There are cons - his church is decidely more conservative when it comes to the Holy Spirit and Kingdom Theology - things I've learnt a great deal about in the last three years. His church is also the one I left because I desperately needed to escape the pressures of being the pastor's daughter, and living in the shadow of my family.

I don't know... I guess I just needed to write some of this out on paper. The next while will be about praying for God's guidance in this area of my life, and consulting the wise advisors that He has placed around me.

Jesus Camp

I came across this trailer for an upcoming documentary. It both scared and saddened me. Mostly it saddened me. Do we really live in a world where our response to Islamic extremists using their madras's - their religious schools to indoctrinate future terrorists is to put our "christian" children into camps that do essentially the same kind of thing in an anti-terrorist, Christian extremist kind of way? And is that really any better? Maybe we could just agree that when it comes to religious beliefs, extremism seems to be dangerous in a bad way - not the world changing way that christians are looking for. Maybe we could try being extreme by feeding hungry people, actually stopping to listen to what others are saying, caring for the broken, intervening to stop abuse, caring for prisoners, healing the sick. Maybe it's like John Fischer said in a article I read a couple of months ago - we need to stop being "christian" counsellors, and nurses and doctors and executives, and just be really good at being counsellors and nurses and doctors and executives. We could be really loyal and honest, and genuinely interested in people's lives, and in peace, and maybe we'd make a difference.

I can't figure out how to embed the trailer for the film here, but go to this site, and watch it in the video section, in fact, watch all three clips that they have available. I originally just watched the trailer, but after watching the others I'm almost overcome with anger and sadness. Pay particular attention to how old it tells you the little girl who loves to dance is - what ten or eleven year old do you know that talks like that? When did children become pawns in a ridiculous non-war of the religions? Once you've watched them come back here and leave me a comment letting me know what you're thinking. I'm wondering if I'm the only one that this triggers an intense response for...

Updating

Well, I don't have a whole lot to say. I've been doing a lot of thinking again, but nothing that I can share yet. If you want something worth reading, read Kirk's latest post, or anything Renee has written on her blog in the last month or so.

As for me, the ipod is working, and I'm loving the fact that I can now take all the music I own anywhere I want to go, plus, I can listen to sermons (which I did anyway) from Mars Hill in Grand Rapids, Mosaic in Los Angeles, and Imago Dei (my favorite of the bunch) on the train or bus. Which is great, because it's just in time for me to be commuting about 45 minutes each way by train or bus to my new job. And can I just say that while my church may not be the most stellar in the "teaching" department, any sermon Rick Mckinley at Imago Dei gives is generally worth the listen - challenging and helpful for growth. Or Rob Bell at Mars Hill - always a new perspective, particularly if you're interested in Old Testament. They've done a whole series over the course of the summer with a wide variety of speakers on Isaiah 61.

I went shopping this morning with Megs and bought some new clothes for work. Seems my business wardrobe was pretty limited after a year and a bit at the Bay which has a "white on top, black on the bottom, black shoes" dress code.

And I'm nearing the end of Season 4 of the West Wing and getting ready to start season 5. I'm still in love with the idealism. Anything idealistic really. Just wishing still for a way to translate ideals to reality. Asking for the Kingdom to come, on earth as it is in heaven, or, as Peterson translates it, "As above, so below."

Crazy Day

Yesterday was a crazy day. In a good kind of way.

I got to work a bit early, and was greeted with the news that I would be working by myself for the first four hours, and that my coworker would then be by herself for the last six hours. Someone out sick. Which is fine, except that we're crazy busy, and so we're further behind instead of being caught up.

I got a phone call yesterday morning. I've been offered, and have accepted a new job. I'll be working for a smallish property insurance company as a receptionist/secretary. A friend of mine is leaving the job in order to have a more flexible work schedule for a transistional time in her life, and she offered to reccomend me for her position. It worked, and I'm incredibly grateful. I start there full-time on September 12th. I'll work a half day and a full day there next week, inbetween my shifts at the Bay to begin learning the position.

I'm very excited about this. It's the kind of hours I've been looking for in a job for months now. 8:30-4:30, Monday to Friday. Evenings and weekends off. And better pay, and benefits.

We had my family birthday party on Monday night too. So, yesterday I took the birthday money I was given, in combination with some money I had saved for this purpose, and bought and ipod. We're having a slight technical difficulty involving our wireless internet connection on the basement computer, but as soon as that resolves, I'm good to go to put my music on there. Which is great, because in two weeks I'm going to be commuting about 45 minutes each way by public transportation to my new job.

So that was my day. I'm relieved that the job search is finally behind me. I'm grateful for the friend who gave me such a glowing reccomendation for her position. And I'm grateful to God for the provision of greater stability in my work situation.

And with that, I'm off to get ready for work at The Bay. Only two weeks left, and they're going to be BUSY! But that's okay, because it's only two more weeks! (Although I have agreed to work one weekend a month for them to help out. Plus, it lets me keep my discount!)

Slow typing

This is going to be short for two reasons. The first is that I'm going to spend some time reading, curled up with a new history of Christianity that I bought at a used bookstore the other day (a steal for only $22, and a huge volume written by a preminent Catholic theologian and historian) and a novel. The second is exactly what the title of this post says. I'm typing a little slow at the moment as I somehow have managed to sprain my right index finger, and it's in a splint that impedes my typing abilities.

I made a major decision regarding my church future this week, and sent an email notifying the appropriate person of the decision. I did it in the heat of a moment filled with frustration, and hurt, but it was a long time coming, and, to be honest, I'm just relieved that it's over. We'll have to wait and see how things play out the next while. It was necessary.

I think I'm coming into myself a little bit more all the time. At least I hope so. I feel a renewed sense of boldness. A confidence in the things I believe God has been speaking to me, and a willingness to more clearly and broadly express my concerns. I will probably never be the one speaking controversy in the midst of a crowd - it's more my style to address issues in small groups or one on one. But I feel emboldened to fight the silence I have lived under for much of these last months. I was reminded, as I wrote the email this week of something a friend wrote in an email to encourage me months ago as I was first beginning to express some concerns and to share the things I felt God showing me. He wrote that I had come out from under the blanket of heaviness, and I wouldn't allow anyone to put me back under it. That I had emerged, broken through, and now it was time to live that way. I hope that I'm living that now. I'm excited and scared for what's ahead, but I feel God's presence.

And so, my finger is aching, and I'm looking forward to reading, so I'm off. See you all soon!