What I've Been Up To

I noticed today as I was scanning some of the previous posts on my blog that I've been somewhat cryptic and circumspect over the last while.

A lot of that has had to do with the situations I've been dealing with. In order to protect the privacy of my friend, I've been unable to discuss the difficult things we've faced.

I also already mentioned that the situations in my friend's life, and the situations in my own life have driven me into an introspective, meditative, musing, muddled sort of state over the course of the month, that has not facilitated clear un-muddled writing.

With that said, here, in all its bullet-point glory is some of what I've been up to:

• I've done a LOT of reading. Nine or so books in fact. Not counting the two or three I'm currently reading. From the list, which is laying beside my computer on my desk, I recommend: Through the Narrow Gate by Karen Armstrong - a spiritual memoir about a woman who joins a catholic order, and eventually leaves, several years later. Messy Spirituality by Mike Yaconelli - I can't say enough good things about a book with the subtitle "God's Annoying Love for Imperfect People". Velma Still Cooks in Leeway by Vinita Hampton Wright - a beautiful, artistic, and deeply spiritual novel, without being trite or sappy.
• I've handled a lot of crises. Enough said.
• I've wrestled with family issues. Things with my parents. Areas of deep woundedness related to my family and upbringing.
• I've done a lot of desperate praying. I'm getting really good at the "help" type of prayers - for my own life and for others too.
• I'm learning to pray other things too. The single words like "hallelujah" and "immanuel" that I've mentioned here before. Brennan Manning's prayer, "Abba, I am Yours."
• I'm learning to listen a little more patiently for God. I'm still not hearing much, but I'm learning to pause and actually listen, not just fill every silence with words.
• I'm discovering a need to share my story. I have been blessed in the last few weeks a number of times by people who drew parts of the story of these crazy last months from me.

I think that's all I have to say for now. This is not everything. In fact, it's not even a snapshot in some ways. But I'm still feeling pretty introspective, I'm in the middle of a tense spot in a fairly enjoyable novel, I'm very tired, and I think I may heat up my "magic bag" and crawl into my cozy nook of a bed, and read, or journal, or possibly just sleep!

Cryptic Relief

I got some fantastic news in a two minute phone call tonight. An impending disaster, consequences of a crisis, has been averted, and I'm relieved.

I have spent much of this past week mentally preparing myself to face the expected circumstances, and I am so relieved that I will not have to do so. That it will not be required of the person in crisis to face this too.

Praise God for the little (or very big depending on your perspective) favors!

Introspection

In the last several weeks, I have become increasingly introspective. I have spent hours and hours alone - reading, writing, sitting at my computer, listening to books on CD, watching movies. And it's mostly been a good thing.

I have been lost in the challenges I am currently facing. Treading water and trying to stay afloat in the midst of things that threaten to overwhelm me most days. Sitting silently, mostly unwilling to share my own struggles. Needing time to come to grips with these things before I share them with others and ask for their support as I walk.

My friends have been busy, and the ones that tend to be our social conveners have been out of town since the end of December, so it has been easy to semi-isolate myself in this time.

I didn't realize how isolated I had become, until Sunday night. I already mentioned in my previous post that I had two fantastic and encouraging conversations. What didn't hit me until this morning was that the reason they were so encouraging was that my soul had been longing for the connection. That it is time to begin emerging from this self-created isolation.

This is not going to be easy. I still feel lost in my own thoughts. I don't want to be a grasping and needy person like some I know - the kind of person with whom you dread having a conversation because you feel their tentacles of need reaching out whenever you're in proximity, and then I cringe, because I know that I have nothing more of myself to pour out. I don't want people to feel like that with me.

I have learned this month to talk with Jesus even more regularly. I still don't hear Him all that well, but I am learning to rest in Him, I think. To hand Him those moments of crisis in my friend's life, to hand Him the pain in my own life.

But now, I am ready once again to be with friends. To have a social life. To participate in fun activities that won't require my every thought to be focused on the things that I am facing.

I am caught by the words from David Crowder Band that I quoted in a post a few months ago:

Come awake, from sleep arise
You were dead, become alive
Wake up, wake up, open your eyes
Climb from your grave into the light.
Bring us back to life.

Heart Connect

I was caught by this post that Kirk made. I've never met Kirk, although we are part of the same church community, but I've been greatly challenged and encouraged by him and his blog this last while. This post, particularly caught me when I read it this afternoon, and again as I reread it tonight.

My heart has been taking blind leaps the last while, and sometimes it takes quite a while for the rest of my to catch up. It was my heart (and God's voice in it) that led me to this place of caring for a friend in crisis. It is my heart that is being affected by the wounds in my life, and the healing that God is bringing slowly.

And my tendency has always been to use my mind. But it hasn't been much use the last while, other than in the practical details of situations. It's left me extremely off balance - but in a good way I think.

And it is in the heart that connection with God and others occurs.

I have to laugh. I've been struggling with my church lately. That's nothing new - I wrote about it the other day. So I went tonight, not expecting much, and God blessed me exceedingly. I had two different truly fantastic conversations, where I was able to share a number of the things that God has done in the past months, the challenges of the moment in both my life and my friends' lives, and I was encouraged by both of these women. I don't know if either of them read this blog, but Deb - thanks for giving me the outlet to share my journey, and thanks for praying with me. And Kari, thanks for listening - for encouraging me to keep walking. This feels like such a weird journey right now, and I've felt very alone in the last couple weeks - very unsupported and uncertain, but these two women managed to draw my story out in such a way that I not only shared it with them, but was reminded myself of God's presence in all of this.

Heart connect is a beautiful thing, and I'm bubbling over with excitement and joy because it happened twice in one night, on a night when I was expecting nothing!

I needed to hear this...

From Unceasing Thinking to Unceasing Prayer
Our minds are always active. We analyze, reflect, daydream, or dream. There is not a moment during the day or night when we are not thinking. You might say our thinking is "unceasing." Sometimes we wish that we could stop thinking for a while; that would save us from many worries, guilt feelings, and fears. Our ability to think is our greatest gift, but it is also the source of our greatest pain. Do we have to become victims of our unceasing thoughts? No, we can convert our unceasing thinking into unceasing prayer by making our inner monologue into a continuing dialogue with our God, who is the source of all love.

Let's break out of our isolation and realize that Someone who dwells in the center of our beings wants to listen with love to all that occupies and preoccupies our minds. (Henri Nouwen)

I lay in bed last night, feeling very much the victim of my unceasing thoughts. A friend and the challenges she is facing were heavy on my mind. And so I lay there, long after I should have been asleep, and thought, and prayed. Mostly, though, I wondered how to pray. I begged God to hear the cry of my heart and understand, because my mind and lips weren't doing justice to the pain and confusion I was experiencing. And, like any good control freak, I took the opportunity to begin to obsessively sort through the options - trying to solve an unsolvable situation. And I woke up this morning, and started again - sorting through the issues trying to find workable solutions, and wondering how to pray, and if God was even hearing. So, I needed to hear these reminders from Henri Nouwen today. To be reminded to solve less and turn it over to God more. Seems simple, but very necessary tonight.