Listening to God is...

"Listening to God is one of the most underwhelming, difficult, unfulfilling, confusing, and altogether frustrating experiences of my life."

A friend of mine wrote this sentence on his journal at our church website today. And it grabbed me when I sat down to read the entry tonight.

Because this is how I have felt lately. This is how I felt today.

This afternoon was one of the most stunning crisis moments yet. Everytime I think that things with this friend cannot possibly get worse, they seem to get astronomically worse. And I am left wondering if God maybe said the wrong name when He called me to serve her. If possibly God got confused and meant to appoint someone with age, wisdom and experience.

And so I sit there, and listen to her, and wonder what could possibly be the reason that I am being asked to do this. And God is stunningly silent. I listen to her, and I pray silently, begging him to take control of my lips as I begin to respond to the crisis. I don't know if He does - sometimes it feels like it. Sometimes there are insights that become suddenly clear, and I know that I need to share them. And sometimes, I just talk - practical common sense kind of things, and hope that those are God too.

And if positive steps are made while we talk, then the credit certainly belongs to God. Because who am I anyway? I'm twenty-two. I spent the last several years battling depression, nightmares, and emotional and spiritual issues. I have a degree in European history that hardly qualifies me to give sound insight on matters of physical, mental, emotional or spiritual health. On November 1, 2005, I met God in a more powerful and personal way than anything I've ever experienced, and my life has been a gong show ever since. He called me once again to serve, and it's been nuts. I've put out one fire after another. He's ripped open wounds in my life that I have no idea what to do with. I find myself on the brink of tears on a nearly daily basis as I think about these wounds - this from the girl who hasn't been able to cry in well over a year. I'm having weird dreams every night again - dreams that seem somehow significant, but for reasons I can't quite peg. I don't usually remember them, I just wake feeling restless and unsettled - a feeling that takes a couple hours to fight into submission. And yet, in the pit of my gut, I know I can't leave - ever. Because He's there, and He's doing crazy things, and I'm astonished every day that He's there. Wow!

But the fact remains that listening to Him is, well, all the things my friend named. And another friend swears to me that it will get better, get easier, and I hope he's right, because this is just crazy hard at the moment, and I could really use the "direct voice of God" in some of the wounds of my life, and in these crisis moments that I'm dealing with on such a regular basis.

Muddled, but gearing up

I've had three days off work this week. This is day three. The goal for the days was to rest and recuperate. I may have accomplished this.

At the present moment I'm gearing up. Today this means I am mentally preparing myself for some challenges, while eating multi-grain toast slathered with butter and strawberry jam. (Just as an aside - I don't quite understand multi-grain bread. To me, the concept of bread is something soft and delicious - multi-grain bread with bird-seed like stuff in it is just not quite there. But it's edible. It just won't ever measure up to a crispy warm loaf of white french bread. Plus, strawberry jam is definitely a second rate option next to raspberry, which we seem to be out of again.)

In a couple of hours, my friend who's mother is dying will come over. I'm a little scared for that conversation. I think things are going pretty badly for her. A couple days ago she started refusing to tell me what was going on over the phone - saying she'd tell me when she saw me. That always scares me with this particular friend. When I'm done posting, I'm going to crawl into my bed, turn on some David Crowder Band, do a little reading and a lot of praying to prepare myself for whatever comes next in this one.

After I meet with that friend, I'm spending the evening at a movie with another friend. I've known this one since I was six, but she's one of those friends who you have to "do" something with. You can't just sit down and have a conversation. It always makes me a little sad to spend time with her, because I see hurt in her life, but don't know how to touch it, have never been able to draw honesty or feeling from her. And as our relationship changed in university, I stopped sharing too. Oh, we'll cover the basics - what our families are up to, is there a guy in either of our lives, plans for the next while, but I'll come home, and it will still feel empty, and sad - the promise for so much more is there, but we can't seem to find it.

I go back to working full time tomorrow. I'm hoping for the best. I don't particularly love my job, but at the moment I don't hate it either. This next month will be filled with consultations - every bride getting married in the spring and summer wedding rush will be needing to set up gift registries, and my job is to ensure that the registry they create suits their needs and their guests budgets.

I'm still muddled. Still praying single word sentences. Someone suggested I might pray the word Grace - it's a good word. I've been praying a prayer Brennan Manning suggested in a sermon I listened to recently - "Abba, I am Yours." I'm trying to rest in that statement. To live there as I deal with some incredibly painful things that God has brought to light in my life. I feel like I'm thrashing, working hard to grab solid ground that isn't quite in reach. But I'm going to keep going. Because nothing in the previous years hurt this much - not the depression, not the numbing overwhelming struggle, but nothing felt like that moment of clarity when God reveals something, when He promises to begin a new work in your life, when He opens a wound but promises to heal it properly if I will only wait and allow Him to work. So, I'm clinging for dear life, treading water, whatever metaphor you want to use, but I'm never going back!

Reading List 2006

I spent a portion of this morning preparing a list of books that I want to read in the coming year. Because I am a compulsive book-buyer, I already own a great number of those on the list, and my list, which is quite long, is divided into two sections - those books I already own, and those that I will locate from the library or purchase later in the year. I have not listed any novels - mostly because I never have difficulty finding a novel to read, maybe because I am resolved to read less brain candy type novels, and more challenging works.

Because I am not very good at reading non-fiction, I have read portions of a great number of the books on the list. My goal is to finish reading these books. I am determined to teach myself to read more broadly, and to retain information that I read in a more useful manner.

I have also determined to keep track of what I read this year. The title, author, and whether or not the book is fiction or non-fiction will be recorded. I used to track my reading all the time, but have fallen out of the habit in the last several years. Because I have resolved to read more challenging books, and to read broadly over the next year, I am once again going to attempt to track my reading.

So, without further ado, I present the list I prepared this morning - a list which is already missing certain titles (The Alchemist - thanks for the reccomendation Sheri!) - a list that will be updated throughout the year, but is a good beginning. If anyone has suggestions for additions, leave me a comment and let me know!

Reading List 2006

Books I Already Own
The Vision and the Vow (Pete Greig)
Waking the Dead (John Eldredge)
Captivating (John and Stasi Eldredge)
The Quest for the Radical Middle (Bill Jackson)
Surprised by the Voice of God (Jack Deere)
Making Real What I Already Believe (John Fischer)
Soul Survivor (Mike Pilavachi)
A Generous Orthodoxy (Brian McLaren)
A New Kind of Christian (Brian McLaren)
Fearless Faith (John Fischer)
The Father Heart of God (Floyd McClung, Jr.)
Rumors of Another World (Philip Yancey)
Great Souls: Six Who Changed the Century (David Aikman)
A Delicate Fade (Ben Devries)
Praise Habit: Finding God in Sunsets and Sushi (David Crowder)
Velvet Elvis (Rob Bell)
The Unquenchable Worshipper (Matt Redman)
The Great Evangelical Disaster (Francis A. Schaeffer)
The Screwtape Letters (C.S. Lewis)
Letters to Marc About Jesus (Henri Nouwen)
Good Ideas from Questionable Christians and Outright Pagans: An Introduction to Key Thinkers and Philosophies (Steve Wilkens)
Inside of Me (Shellie R. Warren)
Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity (Lauren F. Winner)
Following Jesus Without Embarrassing God (Tony Campolo)
The Beginner’s Guide to Spiritual Gifts (Sam Storms)
The Confessions (Augustine)
Messy Spirituality (Mike Yaconelli)

Books to Buy/Get from the Library
Breakthrough: Discovering the Kingdom (Derek Morphew)
Following Jesus (Dave Roberts)
Wrestling with God (Rick Diamond)
Dangerous Wonder (Mike Yaconelli)
Speaking My Mind (Tony Campolo)
Adventures in Missing the Point (Tony Campolo/Brian McLaren)
The Story We Find Ourselves In (Brian McLaren)
The Last Word and the Word After That (Brian McLaren)
Provocative Faith (Matthew Paul Turner)
The Coffeehouse Gospel (Matthew Paul Turner)
Prophetic Untimeliness: A Challenge to the Idol of Relevance (Os Guiness)
The Soul Tells a Story: Engaging Creativity with Spirituality in the Writing Life (Vinita Hampton Wright)
Aimee Semple McPherson: Everbody’s Sister (Edith L. Blumhofer)
Through the Narrow Gate (Karen Armstrong)
All of the Women of the Bible (Edith Deen)
The Seven Storey Mountain (Thomas Merton)
Apostle Paul and Women in the Church (Don Williams)
Daughters of the Church (Ruth A. Tucker/ Walter Liefeld)
Women in Ministry: Four Views (Bonnidell and Robert Clouse)
Daughter of Destiny (Kathryn Kuhlman)

The Problem...

So, I took a quiz here called "What type of Christian are you?" These were the results:
Jerry Falwell Christian(a.k.a. "Historicist" or "Literalist")
You view the Bible as historically accurate and divinely inspired. You go to church every Sunday, with the Good Book in a Bible cover, and Wednesday night for Bible study. You've read at least one of the books in the apocalyptic "Left Behind" series, prefer your iced tea very sweet, and suspect Bill Clinton has murdered somebody somewhere in Arkansas. You're furious that people actually believe "The Da Vinci Code" and have bought a book debunking the novel. You wept uncontrollably all three times you went to see "The Passion of the Christ" and have ordered the DVD in bulk to give copies to friends. You may watch Eternal Word Television Network, and you adore Dr. Laura, Chuck Colson, James Dobson, and Rush Limbaugh. You enjoy some episodes of "Joan of Arcadia" but think it's not reverent enough--"Touched by an Angel" was better. If you're Catholic, you go to Latin Mass and weekly confession, though you don't have much to confess. You think homosexuals are sinful but try periodically to love them. You think the surrounding culture is so polluted that you shop at Christian bookstores, listen only to Christian radio and send your kids to Christian or parochial schools--or homeschool them. You give generously to your church and Christian charities. The Bible provides you not only a direct connection to God but a roadmap for how to lead your life.

Apparantly, believing that much of the Bible is literal automatically associates me with a number of stereotypes that make me either angry, or simply make me want to cry. This is the challenge my generation faces, and I think it is the reason we are so concerned with being "relevant." Honestly, I just get angry when I read something like this, especially on a website like "BeliefNet" that is supposed to be positively promoting a variety of religions. Anyway, I'd like to respond to this one!

Just for clarification - I do go to church every (well almost) Sunday, and Bible study on Tuesdays. I don't however carry my bible in a cover specifically designed for that purpose. My Bible is held together with duct tape, because, while I have a nice new one, I like the old one with all my notes and underlining in it. I have never read any book in the "Left Behind" series - I don't really devote much time to considering how the world will end. I'm more interested in living right now than I am in speculating and worrying about the future. I have nothing particularly against Bill Clinton, although I am rather tired of the type of political scandal he seems to symbolize. I could care less what people think about the Da Vinci code (which I also haven't read) except that it annoys me slightly that people in our "enlightened, intelligent culture" don't seem to know the definition of "fiction". I did see the Passion of the Christ, and it did impact me, and I did cry. However, I saw it only once, I didn't weep uncontrollably, I have not purchased it for anyone, and I will probably never watch it again. Dr. Laura is amusing in very small doses, Charles Colson writes some intelligent and insightful commentary on the Christian worldview (although slightly too conservative for me), James Dobson mostly annoys me (a friend saw a bumper sticker in Colorado Springs that said "Focus on Your Own D**N Family! - I just about died laughing when he told me), and I'm not even sure who Rush Limbaugh is. I loved almost every episode of Joan of Arcadia (I mean, who wouldn't be fascinated by a God that appears in physical form - and He said some pretty important stuff to Joan), and while I occasionally watched Touched by an Angel, it was generally too sappy and full of happy endings for my tastes. I try to love homosexuals more than periodically - in fact, I wonder why their sexual orientation has anything to do with me loving them or not. Aren't we commanded to love everyone? Hello, literal Bible reading people! I think the surrounding culture has an awful lot of positive things to offer, as well as some very negative things, and while I do shop at Christian bookstores, my book and music and clothing and entertainment spending is by no means limited to "Christian" products. I'm really bad at remembering to tithe - although I'm trying to work on that. The Bible is the Word of God, but He speaks to me directly too. And yes, I was homeschooled for about seven years, and would possibly homeschool my own children someday, but it has a whole lot more to do with freedom of decision, and my gratefulness for the time my mom invested in us, than in a need to "protect" my kids from the "evil" culture!

Joy and Sorrow

I got another great bit from Henri Nouwen in my email again today... so, here it is!

Our Spiritual Parents
Joy and sorrow are never separated. When our hearts rejoice at a spectacular view, we may miss our friends who cannot see it, and when we are overwhelmed with grief, we may discover what true friendship is all about. Joy is hidden in sorrow and sorrow in joy. If we try to avoid sorrow at all costs, we may never taste joy, and if we are suspicious of ecstasy, agony can never reach us either. Joy and sorrow are the parents of our spiritual growth.