22

So, I'm older than when I last posted. I celebrated my 22nd birthday on Sunday. I don't know how much this really matters to me. Time has had a way of blurring due to the realities of my life in the last year.

I thoroughly enjoyed having five days in a row off. I should do that more often! I rented a car and drove through the mountains all day on Saturday. It was beautiful. Just me, my younger brother, some great tunes, good conversation, and beautiful scenery. I should do that more often too.

Saturday night I drove myself to a parking lot that has become a favorite place of mine. I sat in the dark, looking over the city lights, watching planes land, listening to music, thinking and journalling. It was a special time. Just me, and my journal, and God. I didn't have much to say to Him, I said it quickly, and then just sat, finally quiet with Him. It wasn't anything that was stunningly profound, just time away, time to regroup, to focus some thoughts.

I have more questions than answers. I wonder if I'll always be that way. I have more wounds than cures. I hope I won't always be that way.

I had a conversation with a good friend last night, sharing honestly with him the depth of pain and desperation in which I have found myself this last month. He said something that made me pause. He said that maybe this is a good thing, because now, I desperately need the salvation of God - that I am learning the meaning of daily salvation. He might be right.

of all the liars...

A few months ago when I started this blog, it was simply a way for me to chronicle my journey of life. I wasn't finding the time or motivation to write essays and share them with others as had been my previous practice, so I succumbed to the world of blogging, and decided to share my thoughts in their shorter, less polished forms.

At that time, I titled the blog "Of All the Liars in the World" from an anonymous quote that sits on my desk that reads, "of all the liars in the world sometimes the worst are your own fears." It was a thought that is profound to someone who battles overwhelming fears on a daily basis. It was intended to be a reminder for me not to trust the things that my fears were speaking to me.

In the last week as I have had my faith challenged by some dear friends, and as I have personally wrestled and struggled with what the next steps in my life are, my fears have been speaking loudly. They have greatly intensified, and with them my depression has also grown.

The truth is that God told me many months ago what my next step should be, and I have chosen over and over to ignore him. This thing he asks of me is terrifying, it is something which I must enter alone, and it is something that is more scary than any other thing in my life. How can he be calling me to something which will leave my wounds open and exposed? How can he be asking me to allow my pain to surface? No one, not even God could possibly love me if the depths of my fears, my depression, my lack of trust in God and others was ever revealed.

On the other hand, it's not all that easy to love me now. I am a hard person to be around, and I often find it hard to be around people. I spend much of my time alone, because it feels safer, it is easier than pretending that life is rosy. I have been irritable lately - snapping wrongly at people who don't deserve it. I recognized on Tuesday night that this is a symptom of the pain and the deeper issues I am still hoping to avoid dealing with. I want healing desperately, but am not sure I want it at the expense of my dignity, of my sense of security, of my tenuous emotional stability.

I know so much of this struggle is a living and breathing spiritual thing. And yet, I wonder still how much of the range of emotions, the battle with depression is genetic? Several members of my extended family have suffered from or continue to suffer from depression. My uncle is bipolar. And yet, I have to acknowledge the circumstances of pain that have caused the depression in my family members, and the healing of that depression that has occurred as their wounds were healed.

I am stuck with this conclusion. I am no longer able to battle the fears in my life alone, and yet I find it an equally terrifying proposition to confide these fears to another person or persons and ask them to pray. I know my fears are liars, but I find myself caught this week in the stranglehold of their lies. I think I'll use my time off this weekend to gather my courage and begin to take steps. I'm going to the mountains again - with my brother this time, to share life, to quiet my fears, to gain courage to share these fears and ask for prayer.

I am caught again by the words of the father of the demon possessed boy to Jesus. They have shown up again and again this week - in church, at house church, and in books that I've been reading. "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief." God, help me.

Waiting and Thinking

Someone asked me what's been going on since my last post. Well, here it is in point form!

• I greatly enjoyed having two days in a row off. I made it up to the mountains on the Saturday. I went on a day hike to a lake with a group of people I wouldn't necessarily have chosen (if I'd had my own way!) to spend the day with, but with whom I had a very good time. There's something incredibly refreshing about time spent in creation, away from the cares that way so heavily on my heart the rest of the time. Time spent enjoying God's artwork in nature seems to always be worthwhile.
• I connected with several friends, and have continued that process into this week. I love being part of a community that really enjoys spending time together. I love the random places that you can connect with people for an awesome conversation. I had a fantastic conversation about what it is like to live with fear and depression with two friends on Sunday night after church, sitting in a pub and enjoying good food and good company.
• I continue to struggle deeply with my own fears and depression. However, another conversation on Tuesday night has left me with much to process and respond to. I am grateful for the people in my life who offer challenges and gentle rebukes, rather than simply offering platitudes. Conversations with these people are rarely easy to walk away from, but are almost always worth the turmoil they tend to generate.
• I am working for something like the next eight straight days, followed by a five day mini-vacation during which I may or may not leave town. In between working, I have filled my free evenings and mornings with people rather than a blog! I have been reminded again recently that it is important for me to not allow writing to become my only forum of connection with others, so I am trying to connect with a number of friends this week. All this to say that blogging will likely be a bit scarce again for the next couple of weeks!

"Blah Days"

I must admit that I stole the title from a friend. Her recent journal entry inspired my to write on a day when I feel that I have nothing to really say. (Thanks, Corey!)

I'm tired, on my way to bed. I've been busy this week with work, and trying to plan some fun outings for the first weekend (yes, that's two FULL days) off that I've had in a couple months. I haven't had much luck and that annoys me. Why is everyone always busy when I finally manage to have the same days off that the rest of the normal, non-retail world routinely has off?

I was reflecting the other day on how nice it would be to meet a Christian at work. But, you don't seem to meet very many in the retail world - I think it has something to do with having to work evenings and weekends - when does one find time to meet with fellow believers and build community. My job somewhat grudgingly allows me to be off on Sundays and Tuesdays in time for converge and home church, and in that, I am lucky.

Now that I write that, about wanting to meet a fellow believer, I wonder why it matters to me. It's not like my life has been any sort of stellar example of Christ lately. I make it out of bed, most days I manage to watch my language. Some days I manage not to gripe incessantly (at least out loud!). People know that I go to church, some know that dad's a pastor, but I generally avoid any sort of conversation at work about personal matters. It's another example of not trusting. I've lost a few jobs in the last year for various reasons, and I don't want to become attached to this job in case something happens again. I don't want to build relationships that will make it painful if something happened.

This is turning into far too deep a set of thoughts for tonight. Perhaps I'll explore them another day, perhaps I'll simply mull them over, jot them in the privacy of my paper journal, and leave them for a while.

I'm hoping to find a way to head for the mountains for at least a day on the weekend. I feel desperately in need of the recharging qualities of time away from the city spent in easy conversation with friends and family. I'm hoping to connect with some friends I've been wanting to find the time to sit down and share life for a couple of hours. I'm looking forward to two days with no work. Two days away from the store and demanding customers and grumpy coworkers. A day off is always to be enjoyed, but there's something special about having more than one in a row off. You get more fully recharged, more ready to face the challenges of several more shifts in the strange world that makes up "retail services."

Quoting Clive Staples

I am reading a series of novels that are stunning in their simply told tales of small town life. But, that's not what this post is about. That piece of information was simply to set up the fact that in one of the novels, I recently came across a quote from C.S. Lewis that aptly describes the way that I have been experiencing life and God lately. So, without further ado, Lewis once wrote:

We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.

This has been a difficult couple of weeks. My depression has taken a downturn, has affected my eating and sleeping habits, and my general ability to cope with daily life. I continue to believe in God's sovereignty in my life, though I find myself growing ever more distant from that place of close personal relationship with Him. I find myself wondering with Lewis just how painful God's will in my life is going to be.