Bittersweet

If my thoughts are as random as the items on my desk right now, it's no wonder that I'm feeling a little bit scattered this morning.  My desk has items ranging from cookbooks, a model of a human skull painted in bright colors, a birthday party invitation, and all the various ephemera that accompanies my current lifestyle as a full time student.

Come to think of it, my thoughts might be less random than that.  They're fairly specific, actually.

I'm thinking about some people I met a few years back, in the midst of what would become the beginning of the most challenging and painful and questioning portion of my life.  I'm thinking about how I've found facebook to be a fabulous way to connect and stay connected with the lives of friends, but how it can also be bittersweet.  I looked at some photos this morning and my heart hurt a little as I thought of what was, and what I wished could have been.  It's funny how those little twinges come at moments, even over two years later, how the heart hurts, even after things have moved on, and life has moved on.

As far as broken relationships go, I wonder sometimes if there isn't always going to be that thought of "maybe if I just reach out that one more time", even when there is the deep knowledge within me that what was will likely never be again.

I spent the weekend at my parent's house.  And by that I mean that I slept here, too.  I haven't been at Grandma's since Friday morning.  It was a nice break.  Not one that I'm likely to repeat really regularly, but a nice break.  A needed one.  And it let me do things like staying up late last night to watch a movie with mom and dad - to laugh, and then still have a place to sleep.

I went to dad's church yesterday morning and chatted with a variety of people.  People who are always well-meaning and want to know what's going on with my life.  Some who I was happy to share with, and some whom it would have been rude to rebuff.  I haven't yet gotten used to answering the "are you still working at...?" question yet.  And the myriad of questions that come with it when I respond with "no."  It's weirder still to explain that right now I'm spending my days buried in textbooks, working towards admission to a nursing program.  Because there are definitely questions that come with that as well.  (It's also the reason there is a brightly painted model of a skull sitting on my desk today!)

I guess I'm feeling bittersweet today.  Peaceful and bittersweet.  Missing in some ways, the things that used to be, and looking forward to the things that are coming, and waiting, living in the present, and feeling what comes with each day - the joy and sorrows equally.