You Give and Take Away

I cried during worship at my dad's church this morning.  I don't think that has ever happened before.  I'm not actually sure I've ever cried during a worship service.  You have to understand that tears don't flow easily for me, even now, all these years removed from depression.

But this morning I cried.

This processing the loss of my job is a weird thing.

Yes, I see it as a blessing.  Yes, it also sucks.

But this morning, I cried.

The line that got me was one from a Matt Redman song that has long been one of my favorites.  It's a song I fell in love with during depression.  A song that somehow echoed the cry of my heart in those times.  The cry that said, "even in these really dark spaces you, Jesus, are still worthy to be praised."  It's a cry that is resonating deeply right now.

But the lyric that drew tears this morning was this:

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

Because when I started this job, it was very much a gift from God.  And somehow, the ending of it is also very much in the timing of God.  And that is not always easy to reconcile.

And so I stood this morning as my brother led worship, and tried to sing, and settled for simply raising my hands and closing my eyes as tears came.

(Ironicly, if this had been a charismatic church that repeats a song a number of times as God moves through it, I'd have been in big trouble.  I'm fairly certain I would have moved from quiet tears, subtly swiped away as the song ended, to full out sobs, less easy to keep out of the line of view of those around me.)

You give and take away, and still, your name is blessed.