What if I said it out loud?

What if I said it out loud? That's the question that's been echoing in my head for the last few days.

What if I said out loud that I am absolutely, madly in love with this God who will not let me go, and that, despite that, I am also terribly, burningly angry with that same God?

What if I admitted that I just don't know how to reconcile this lover who has so doggedly pursued me in the last two years with the God who has stood by while my life has fallen into chaos and despair?

What if I said that I understand the hope and desperation that Job was feeling when he cried out, "I know my redeemer lives and in the end he will stand upon the earth, and though my flesh be destroyed, I will see him with my own eyes. I myself, and not another." And then what if I said that I find myself saying "the hope of those moments is not enough when there is a Jesus who spoke of life abundant on earth."

What if I said that I am nearly equally convinced and unconvinced that there will be an end to all of this, that I will pull through this space that has been so tormented, and that I will find hope and joy and a beautiful, full, rich life?

What if I said that as much as it makes me cringe, and feels like a regimented legalism, I think I'm being asked to simply check some things off a list every day? To re-establish some habits that have died in the midst of this space.

What if I said that I don't understand how Jesus can promise a life abundant, and then stand by while the enemy torments those who have offered their lives to Jesus?

What would happen if I said all those things out loud, say in a public spot, like, oh, a blog?

Would the world cave in or come suddenly to a halt?

Would I be shamed for being less than whole?

What happens if I say it out loud?