Thursday, June 25, 2009


My thoughts are all over the place still.

Fairly late last night I realized that I wasn't having any success slowing my racing mind and spirit, calming them, in the hope that I could sleep. I phoned my mom, and broke down again. I phoned her and asked her to pray for me. I needed to hear someone's voice, talking to Jesus on my behalf. Mom wouldn't always be my first choice for that, but the pickings around me are slim these days, and she is reliable in her willingness to care for me in that way.

It helped a little. For the first four or five hours of the night I mostly slept. The time after that was a bit more challenging. I spent a lot of time tossing and turning, quoting scripture or old hymns as the panic, fear and voices encroached.

The last time I woke, I was choking and dry heaving. Some combination of the encroachment of the fear and the fact that I'm still struggling with this cold and my throat had completely dried out overnight, plus my sinuses had begun to drain. I stumbled to the bathroom and sat leaning against the bathtub, waiting to be able to breathe again, for the moment to pass, before returning to bed to await the beginning of the day.

I suspect that I was thrashing in my sleep again, too. Upon waking I discovered a deep purple bruise, about the size of a nickel, on my left knee. It wasn't there when I went to bed last night. I often wake with bruises that can't be explained, particularly along the left side of my body, but they're usually the shallow, yellowy-green sort that fade after a few days. This new one is quite and purplely-blue, and seems to still be coming to it's full color.

I'm listening to a recording of a long list of classic hymns. I was raised on these, and my affinity for the deep beauty of their lyrics and melodies has never faded. I'm particularly enjoying this particular recording by Jon Buller and friends.

I also watched this again this morning. A dear friend sent it to me the other night, chuckling at the timing given the rather challenging conversation we were having that day. I needed to hear it again this morning, and suspect I'll play it once or twice more before the day is out.

The fluctuations of my body temperature tell me that I'm likely still running a fever. I'm watching my newest piercing closely, as it's showing signs of trying to develop an infection in the midst of this week where my immune system seems to be refusing to function.

And with that, I must re-direct my attention to other matters! Until later...


shallowfrozenwater said...

Hi Lisa,
you don't know me but there were some common interests that i read is some of your posts and in your profile. i have struggled with what i'm calling some anxiety issues at the moment and i've been finding that music is a powerfil influence on me. i like Jon Buller and i know Steve Bell personally but most recently i've been listening to a lot of Mark Heard. anyway, there are some posts on my blog that may interest you a little, or maybe not. just thought i'd mention it and try to throw a prayer of blessing your way too if that were ok to do.
i enjoyed what i saw of your blog and i'll try to come back too.

Lisa said...

Hi Ian...

thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment. a prayer of blessing is always welcome, and I'll definitely check out your blog when I get a few minutes!