Thursday, May 07, 2009

Unstable Ground

It's been a quiet evening.


I've needed one all week.

I've been exhausted and I was starting to see the strain show up physically again.

So I declared tonight to be a night about resting. And restoration.

I took a bath, and watched a dvd in the tub. I pampered myself with a blue corn face mask, and coconut body scrub (both from The Body Shop).

I putzed around on the computer for awhile, playing a game, doing the facebook thing, avoiding what I really needed to do.

What I really needed to do was spend some time with my journal. It's been a full week, and there's lots to process, but there was one specific thing on my mind that I needed to write out.

I finally quit avoiding and wrote it out, and as usual, when I've been avoiding something, the direction it ended up taking me was surprising.

I ended up back at unstable ground.

It's kind of been a theme for the last year and a bit.

It stems from a deeply personal moment in a field on another continent. A story that doesn't fit here just yet. A share over tea or in an email or phone call with a friend kind of story. A dreams coming alive sort of moment.

And it's repeated ever since, in the oddest of moments.

There is something about standing on unstable ground.

Literally and figuratively.

And learning to trust amidst the instability.

Being able to open my hands, or willing to kneel - to let myself fall to my knees.

To say, "even this on which I depend, I offer back to You and choose to trust You with."

I'm not very good at it. But I'm learning. Through repetition. And lots of falling and failing.

But maybe, sometimes, that's the best way to learn. And falling seems to come with the territory when you're dealing with unstable ground.

And so, even in this, I choose to trust.