Introspection...

I am feeling deeply introspective this morning.

Thinking about things from my growing up years, and feeling the tug of conflicting emotions that go with them.

Someone I know had a comment on facebook this morning about not sleeping, and wondering how long a human being can go with those sorts of overactive brain, seriously interrupted nights of sleep. I thought about commenting but didn't. I have had two or three or more of those a week since I was at least 12. Which is about 14 years now. Maybe more.

I am thinking about fears. About how they can be communicated. And how to be free of them. About the contradiction in knowing that some have been inherited, but that the person from whom I inherited them is these days largely free from them.

I am thinking about food. And hunger. And life. And how, because of some changes I've been making in my life, and some of the things I've been reading that have ironically enough coincided with those changes, I'm more aware than ever about the connections between food and hunger and life. And more aware than ever of the many, many food related metaphors and descriptions from scripture.

And I'm thinking about those I've known with eating disorders, and about my own concerns about the way my body has handled food this last year.

I'm thinking about loneliness. And how it's a fairly common state for me these days. How I miss being physically close to the people I share hearts with. How I'm wondering when and and if God will provide a church family and relationships (the sorts of people I can call for hugs and prayers) nearby. Or if maybe I need to look at relocating?

I'm thinking about the conversations I'm having with myself these days. The ones where I tell myself that even though I don't care about that thing, or I don't want to do something else, I need to, because they are decisions that should ultimately be life-giving.

I'm thinking about motivation. And how lacking that is in some essential areas of my life. And how ridiculous some of the little tricks and bribes I've been using to create motivation feel. And how I'm praying that even though they seem ridiculous, they'll work.

I'm thinking about how everything is connected. Everything is spiritual. And about a friend's comments about time not being nearly as linear as we tend to treat it. How eating toast with honey for breakfast conjures memories, just because of the honey. How I'm still enjoying the salami I purchased on the weekend, but how, every time I eat a slice of it, I'm switching locations, and sitting again in St. Peter's square, leaning against a friend, feeling the spray of a fountain, and knowing the unsettledness of those moments.

So, I'm introspective this morning, and my mind is wandering.

And I'm praying:

• for the brother of a dear friend who is having surgery today
• for my own brother and his girlfriend, currently touring with their choir
• for friends to come alongside, at just the right moments
• for a community to be planted in for a time
• for several marriages that have begun in the last year, and several that will begin in the year to come
• for the upcoming travels of dear friends and family - to Czech, and to Africa, and points in between
• for connections
• for those who are grieving, and a friend who is grieving, as well as being involved in loving on those who are grieving
• for life
• and breath
• and food (physical and spiritual)
• for love
• and joy
• and hope restored and renewed