He Repeats it back to me

On my way to work this morning, (at a stoplight), I jotted three reminders on the back of a handy envelope. Things I wanted to blog about here today or in the upcoming days. Thoughts I'm toying with and thought I might share. What I'm actually sitting here to write isn't any of those three.

I arrived at work this morning and found an email waiting for me that contained some disappointing news. Not entirely unexpected, but still deeply disappointing. The news that something I'd longed for, something that had finally seemed to be within reach, would not come through.

I could blame the outcome on a number of different things.

On a decision to take what I still believe was a step of obedience to the Lord just over a year ago, and the huge ongoing cost that that has had.

On my own inability to control some difficult emotional things this past year, and the way they've shown through in all areas of my life.

On the raging menopausal moods of someone who had a direct impact on the outcome.

On someone else who has very much been a catalyst for many of the difficult things that have affected this outcome.

On ongoing spiritual attack that has seemed to "steal" so many things I desired and thought God had for me over the course of the last year.

But I don't think I'm interested in playing the blame game. I'm not interested in harboring further hurt and bitterness. I'm not interested in exploring how this year long mess is still having negative impact. I'm not all that interested in continuing to be angry and miserable. (And those of you who know the finer details of this year will know what an impact it is for me to say that.)

As I said, the news wasn't entirely unexpected. All week as I wondered which way the outcome would be, I rather militantly told God (and myself), "I'll be okay if it's not the outcome I want." Sometimes I even believed it.

This morning, when it was confirmed that it was not the outcome I wanted, just for a moment or two I felt a bit stunned. Someone who had an impact on the outcome asked me if I'd received word, and I told them bluntly that I had, and that it was likely their input that had cost me what I'd longed for. I was a bit angry, and frustrated.

And then, I paused, and waited just for a moment in silence, sitting at my desk.

And in that silence I began to hear two things.

First, a lyric to a song by David Ruis (which is a whole other story, how I came to be listening to David Ruis this morning) began playing through my head:

For I know that you are faithful
As we walk these fields of white
To the weary and the hurting
Your Kingdom Comes

I needed to be reminded that he was faithful, and that His kingdom often comes when I am most weary and hurting (and that it rarely looks how I expect either).

Second, I began to hear a quiet litany, the sound I've come to associate with the voice of Jesus whispering over me. "You're going to be okay. Even though it's not the outcome you wanted."

And that was enough. Those words whispered over me brought peace and restored joy.

A coworker (who knows the whole scenario) agreed with me when I commented, "I'm in a way better mood than I should be given the news I received."

I made some decisions on how to handle this latest news. I made some decisions on how I will move forward.

I'm going to be okay. I've reminded myself (and told Jesus) of that all week, and, in the moment that I couldn't quite cling to it this morning, when I most needed to be able to believe it, He repeated it back to me in a whisper, reminding me of oil poured out the other day, the day where this scenario took a decided turn to the negative outcome. He reminded me that blessing was spoken, and that I really would be okay, even in this latest mess.

I'm going to be okay, and that phrase is filled with a peace that has no rational basis right now. He repeated it back to me.