Up and Down

Funny how moods change, and how difficult it remains, after all these years, to cling to reality in the midst of that.

Yesterday my mood could only be described as buoyant.

Today, not so much.

Up and down.

And working to figure it all out in the midst of those ups and downs.

Things I've done today, in the midst of sorting out my mood:

• Talked for the first time since August with my best friend. We used Skype and talked for nearly an hour. It was great to see and hear her. (And that, at least, was good for my mood.)
• Changed the sheets on my bed to flannel ones. I'm tired of cold nights, and I've been resisting the coming of winter by trying not to acknowledge it, but it's not working anymore.
• Finished reading a novel. Probably the last one - of that genre at least - for quite a while.
• Eaten Mexican food leftovers from last night.
• Told myself that I would not self-medicate the low mood with chocolate.
• Self-medicated (just a little) with chocolate.
• Had an argument with God. Out loud. While driving. I'm sure I must have looked insane if anyone saw me.
• Wondered about escapism and if it can ever be a good thing.
  
• Stashed a bottle of alcohol in my sock drawer.
• Bought a bottle of Bailey's for a birthday gift for my roommate. (Oh, maybe this point should have come before the one about stashing alcohol in my sock drawer??)
• Gone shopping.
• Realized that shopping for pretty things for yourself actually requires you to be in the mood to recognize something, anything, as pretty.
• Played the "if it's there, then I'll buy it" game with God over a book purchase that I really didn't want to make.
• Bought a book that of course was there.
• Gone to the dollar store to buy a new lighter to feed my ongoing obsession with candles in my bedroom.
• Started assembling a list of all the non-fiction books I own that have only been partially read, or not at all read. I'm at 67 with at least a few shelves of books left to check over. That's a lot of books. Maybe not reading novels of a certain genre for a while won't be so bad?

Okay... I think that's it. Those are the big things I've done today. I'll do laundry in a while. And probably go with my roommates to a craft store to look at ideas for wedding invitations. Somewhere in there I'll cook dinner. I'll make a grocery list. I'll finish the "argument" with God. (He, by the way is an annoying argument partner, who just keeps repeating the same point, quietly and calmly. It's very deflating.) I'll make time to read one of the books on my list. And time to read scripture. And likely time to journal. And shower. And, let's be honest - whether or not it's still self-medicating a bad mood by the time I get to it, I will be eating a slice of the chocolate mousse anniversary cake that I bought myself yesterday.